Week 16 Saucy Picks

Well, after last week's guaranteed to fail picks succeeded, it's time to get all saucy in week 16. Yep. We're covering this bitch in sauce.

You know the drill. Lines from topbet.eu unless otherwise stated. Eventually I'm going to get blocked from this site but whatevs.

I'm 24-33 to this point but only down $25.

I'm not sure what I'm at, but I'll do the math sometime this week. I know I did a bit better than Meat did last week. We watched the early games at Sidelines, who are looking for 2 new bartenders if anyone is interested. It's a great atmosphere and every game is on. Free nuts and popcorn too.

ATLANTA @ DETROIT +4

So Atlanta has been killing me when I pick against them. Detroit kills me when I pick them. In a vacuum, this is a very easy pick.

Combined with the fact that Atlanta just beat the fuck out of NYG and Detroit embarrassed themselves to the freaking Cardinals, it's even easier.

And then with Detroit being invited cordially to go fuck itself with the remaining pieces of Jeff Alm's bitten-off dick?

Easy pick.

FUCK Detroit. I'm like 9/11, and can't forget. I hate Stafford and everyone else besides Megatron. I hope the city falls into a sink hole. Their people suck as much as their sports teams. 

MEAT'S PICK: Atlanta -4, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Atlanta -4 $25

TENNESSEE +13 @ GREEN BAY

I'm just not going to touch this spread. It's too high. Weird stuff has happened in Green Bay and they can coast to a 10-point win or just play poorly yet entirely outclass Tennessee to one of those "close" 14 point wins you see when a good team plays someone like the Dolphins and.....I'm just gonna save my money.

Tennessee has shown stretches of tiny amounts of competence sooooo I'll give them the meaningless nod.

I agree with Meat in this one. GB has been very shaky and completely unpredictable. With a spread over 10 points I'd take my chances with Tenn, but wouldn't put money on this one.

MEAT'S PICK: Tennessee +13, $0

HEAT'S PICK: Tenn +13, $0

OAKLAND +8.5 @ CAROLINA

Another spread that's just weird and I hate it. Carolina blew out San Diego and just beat Atlanta at home but they've also lost to Kansas City and they'd have to win this one by fucking nine so that could be a tall order but Oakland is pretty bad so maybe they will but I'm not risking any fake money on it 'cause there are much better bets out there and isn't the Cam-cam commercial stupid don't you agree? *exhales*

This one sucks but I'm going with my heart on this bet and I don't want to have too many picks that match ol Meat. This is a game the Raiders should win, but the lack of run defense scares me, especially against Cam. He might actually run for more yards than he passes for in this match up.

MEAT'S PICK: Carolina -8.5, $0

HEAT'S PICK: Oakland +8.5, $0

BUFFALO +4.5 @ MIAMI

God, does this week suck. Last week was clear as day and then this week is foggier than the charred remains of Andre Rison's house. I punted on the last two so I guess I have to pick something here. Miami has been silently playing well, and Buffalo has been sucking out loud...and it's in Miami...so let's ride that sonar train, shall we?

Living in South Florida, we are stuck watching these two powerhouse teams battle and can't watch any other game without the package. I don't want to see one snap of this travesty. Who cares?

MEAT'S PICK: Miami -4.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Miami -4.5, $0

CINCINNATI +4 @ PITTSBURGH

I think Pittsburgh will win but, then again, I always think they are going to win. If you are buying the hype on this, may be worth getting the time-and-a-half from the moneyline.

Me, I'm not touching it. Too vested of an interest and honestly, I don't fuckin' know what's gonna happen with this team.

I am still not buying Cincinnati, though. PROVE IT BENGALS

I'm surprised Meat didn't have more to say about this one. Meat is probably one of the most educated football and especially Steelers fans out there.  This game is big for both teams, and I still have no interest in watching it. The Steelers are just boring to watch. I guess I don't appreciate the low scoring games and slow drives. I'd personally would like to see Cincy win, even though 80% of the people I associate with are Steelers fans. Feel my Raiders pan.

MEAT'S PICK: Pitt -4, $0

HEAT'S PICK: Cincy +4 $25

NEW ENGLAND @ JACKSONVILLE +14.5

I hate huge lines and I don't want anything to do with this one. Does New England probably win easily? Yeah. Would I put my hard earned cash on them doing so in Jacksonville, needing to win by at least 15? No. Double-digit home dogs are something like 60-35 over the last 10 years or something like that. And you figure, New England has to actually care enough about this game to beat Jacksonville that badly.

They still probs will, though.

New England looks good, but doubt that they give two shits about this game. With the large spread, I'll take Henne and the Jags but no money .

MEAT'S PICK: NE -14.5, $0

HEAT'S PICK: Jax +14.5, $0

INDIANAPOLIS @ KANSAS CITY +6.5

Indianapolis needs this win to guarantee playoffs. There's still a chance they can lose out and lose a three-way tie for the last two spots.

Kansas City, on the other hand, is back to the complete suck they are used to. Brady Quinn is Brady Quinn again. There's a chance that Ricky fucking Stanzi gets a look at some point. That competent stretch was a mirage, and it is far, far back in the rear-view.

Indianapolis should roll.

I'm all aboard that Luck train. Pulling into KC calling out Romeo and the GM to the endzone and firing strikes into receivers chests. 

MEAT'S PICK: Indianapolis -6.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Indy -6.5, $25

NEW ORLEANS +3 @ DALLAS

Another hard one. I noted last week that New Orleans may not be back and that, instead, Tampa Bay was in the middle of their patented December swoon that I thought would have been eliminated with the removal of Raheem Morris. Apparently not.

Dallas has been on the receiving end of some breaks recently, so I'll bet on that ending. I hate to put trust in New Orleans again but this is a tough game to predict. Hell, this is a tough team to bet on. I'd hate to be a gambling Saints fan.

Always take into account that Dallas basically has zero home advantage and with that assumption, 3 free points looks pretty enticing here. +

Taking the points. Dallas never wins on purpose under Garret and Romo. 

MEAT'S PICK: New Orleans +3, $25

HEAT'S PICK: NO +3, $25

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA +5.5

Philadelphia looked ok for a quarter or so last week, but that could have also been due to the general malaise of the Cincinnati Bengals. Then they turned it over 4 times in 5 plays. Nick Foles is still playing QB and with that in mind, points will be tough for the Eagles to come by. The defense has been better as of late but Washington knows how to score points and they should be able to score enough here.

I've really bought into the Washington hype. It's hard not to like RG3 and Cousins. The Eagles remind me of a local kickball team MMS. They have all the right parts but no idea where to place them, or how to get the most out of their talents. They implode. Yes, injury is an issue, but that can't be the main excuse.

MEAT'S PICK: Washington -5.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Wash -5.5, $25

ST. LOUIS +3 @ TAMPA BAY

I try to stick to my guns, but the problem is I have so many guns that sometimes they are pointing at each other. Like Russian Roulette or something. What I mean is, I think St. Louis sucks and has lucked into a decent record. So I like to bet against them, like last week, when I cleaned up backing Minnesota. However, at the same time, I really want to bet against Tampa Bay.

So it comes down to which gun is stronger. And last year, no gun was remotely as strong as the Tampa Bay down-the-stretch nosedive. It was fucking automatic. So while St. Louis sucking may be like a nice AR-15 or so, the Tampa Bay swoon, if they are indeed on it again, is a motherfucking Hydrogen bomb. I'll stick to my bombs.

I really have no opinion either way on this one. Meat has great points about StL. But I think that Tampa can rise from the ashes and get their shit together at home. Let's go Bucs.

MEAT'S PICK: St. Louis +3, $25

HEAT'S PICK: TB -3, $0

NYG @ BALTIMORE +2.5

Baltimore has been exposed. NYG has been exposed. Another example of the guns facing each other. Or maybe in this case they are both facing out. I don't know.

I want Baltimore to lose so that they have something to play for next week against the Bengals if the Steelers win this week. But I think they clinch the AFC North here before they risk finding a way to lose it in week 17. Who knows what happens if Flacco doesn't throw that pick 6 in the endzone last week. Just don't do it again, Joe.

New York won't be embarrassed two weeks in a row. I expect them to play a more convincing game in this must win week.

MEAT'S PICK: Baltimore +2.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: NYG -2.5, $25

MINNESOTA +7.5 @ HOUSTON

Indianapolis and Houston played their standard boring matchup last week, and Indy almost found a way to hit a backdoor cover on that TD+ spread. I think Minnesota, outside of the QB position, is way better than Indianapolis. Plus AP is running wild.

Andrew Luck should go and play for Minnesota.

Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to this game. I would like to see the RB match up. AP and Foster are both playing at high levels. Luck in Minn would be pretty sweet. He should have pulled a Bo Jackson and refused to play for Indy. I'm going against the Meat in this one, with Houston covering.

MEAT'S PICK: Minnesota +7.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Houston -7.5, $0

CLEVELAND +12.5 @ DENVER

Another one? What awful NFL action. This is not dead sexy. This is NOT dripping wet. This is drier than Ellen DeGeneres's stone cold vag. They should kick these two teams out and hold the Sudanese Desert Camelfucking Championships in the stadium. Just poetic...Love the visual. I would pay to see that event...in Denver...in the winter.

Washington just scored all over Cleveland, but gave up enough points that it was somewhat kinda close. Denver won't give up those points. Hate taking another giant spread here but I've punted too many thus far.

Peyton just uses Tebow's weapons better.

MEAT'S PICK: Denver -12.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Denver -12.5 $25

CHICAGO @ ARIZONA +5.5

Don't let Detroit's abortion-ey play fool you, Arizona still sucks. Their only benefit here is the fact that they force mad turnovers and Chicago gives them up. BUT, Chicago forces them, too. Detroit does not. And Arizona loves to give that ball away.

They'll give it away here. Give it away give it away nowwwww

Cutler's diabetic blood will be nice and warm inside this week. If he can find anyone else to pass to beside Marshall, they should pull out a win. Arizona should get Tebow or Matt Flynn.

MEAT'S PICK: Chicago -5.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: Chicago -5.5 $25

*****SAN FRANCISCO +0 @ SEATTLE*****

Oh snap, a true pick 'em!

I love these. I know Seattle has been killing it and drilling it recently, but they've played against the dregs of the Earth. San Francisco, I'd think would be a slight favorite here but for their almost-collapse in New England. Don't forget the fact that they could only collapse because they were bashing NE's fucking taints in, in Foxboro.

I think SF wins and I'm probably going to put a real bet down on it.

Seattle is obviously for real but I just think SF is completely stacked everywhere. By process of elimination, this is my sizzler.

I'll jump on board with this being the sizzler. I thought the sizzler was the pick of the week that was a sure win for our bets. But it looks like it's turned into the best game of the week. Nonetheless this is a game to watch. It's difficult not to like SF, even as a Raiders fan. The Smith's are unreal on defense and Kaep is making Randy Moss relevant again. Too bad for Vernon, who hasn't done much since the Oreo took over.

MEAT'S PICK: San Francisco +0, $50

HEAT'S PICK: SF +0, $25

SAN DIEGO +1.5 @ NYJ

San Diego is not a home favorite over a bad team and therefore can win this game. New York is fucking New York and has no business being favored over anything, ever. EVER.

Roll Tide...But this isn't Bama.

 

Prom king. Sanchize

MEAT'S PICK: San Diego +1.5, $25

HEAT'S PICK: SD +1.5, $25

Hoping for the same luck I had last week.

See you fags at Sidelines. Happy Holidays, whores.