WEEK 15 GUARANTEED TO FUCKING FAIL PICKS

I'm not going to try to sugarcoat it, I've just been fucking terrible at picking NFL football games. Thankfully, this isn't a blog primarily based on our attempts to pick NFL football games.

Wait, what?

Fuck.

YTD: 14-27, -$225

As always, lines are from topbet.eu and are available for betting.

Heat's comments and picks are in red. I will add more later, but for now I'll add my picks. I don't know my overall record as of now, but I will look it up.

CINCINNATI @ PHILADELPHIA +4.5

Ok, so Philly finally sacked up and won a game last week. They did this possibly because Bryce Brown didn't lose two fumbles this week! Of course, he only gained 6 yards as opposed to his usual 150 and 2 TDs. Tampa does have the NFL's number 1 ranked rush D but still, doug. That's fuckin' awful.

So I don't know what to think. I do think Philly goes back to their losing ways. But I still have no real faith in Cincinnati.

I desperately would like Cincy to lose this game, so I'm leaning toward Philly based on pure emotion here. I really don't know which to pick so I'll save my money. Heat doesn't give the slightest fuck about either team so just read his prediction for this one.

MEAT'S PICK: Philly +4.5, $0
HEAT'S PICK: Cincy -4.5


GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO +3

This one might sizzle. I have no faith in Chicago to not get waxed in this one. That's what they do. Green Bay usually dispatches with them pretty easily.

If you've been reading, you'll know that Chicago has been toying with me the past month or so, making this an almost sure chance to make money by doing the opposite of what I suggest. But I've got Green Bay winning this one easily, on the road and all. Chicago has basically 3 offensive players. They will probably make Green Bay's defense look as good as their own. And Big Play Jay will mix in a pick six.

MEAT'S PICK: Green Bay -3, $50
HEAT'S PICK: Chicago +3

****SIZZLING PICK    NYG +1 @ ATLANTA   SHIT IS ON FIRE****

Orrrrrrr maybe this will sizzle. Atlanta sucks as much ass as an 11-2 team can suck, and while you can argue that this spread is an overreaction to their loss last week, I'll tell you that they've sucked that ass all year. In fact, their lucky record is the only reason they are even favored here.

New York isn't exactly the juggernaut people think they are but I think they win this one pretty easily.

MEAT'S PICK: NYG +1, $50
HEAT'S PICK: NYG +1


TAMPA BAY +3.5 @ NEW ORLEANS

New Orleans has sucked for weeks now. Tampa sucked last week and kinda sucked the week before but had played ok before that. I have no idea which way to go here.

I'd say that I need to stop treating New Orleans like they are good New Orleans just because they are New Orleans, but...it's in the Cajun Hellhole and Tampa is an enigma itself. So I don't know.

Damn it. Save your money.

MEAT'S PICK: Tampa Bay +3.5, $0
HEAT'S PICK: NO -3.5

MINNESOTA +2.5 @ ST. LOUIS

I do not think that the Georgia Frontierre Dome is a big advantage, so this line intrigues me. I know St. Louis has also been playing well, but would you take them over Minnesota? I don't think I would, and that combined with Adrian Peterson apparently on a mission to rush for 300 yards in a game is more than enough for me.

MEAT'S PICK: Minnesota +2.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Minn +2.5


WASHINGTON @ CLEVELAND - OFF

Still waiting on RGIII's status. Revisit the point from last week's Arizona Cardinal breakdown - if your quarterback is worth his fucking weight in pubes, the oddsmakers will hold off on the spread until more information is made public. If your QB's status is up in the air and they come out with a line right away on Wednesday, then I guess we learned last week that you should bet heavily against that team.

MEAT'S PICK: TBA
HEAT'S PICK: Washington



JACKSONVILLE +7 @ MIAMI

Battle of Florida! Two exciting-ass teams with sizzling superstars like Reginald Bush, Cecil Shorts the who-gives-a-fuckth and Chad Tannehill!

Dolphins have quietly been boringly playing blandly well recently although it continues to lead to big wins by the opponents, who have actual NFL players. Jacksonville has cooled off dramatically and managed to give up 17 to Sanchez and the Jets. So the trend is going Miami's way.

Howeva, I'm not sure if there's enough star power to score 7 here, let alone win by it. So I'm going to take Jax and the points. It's a long drive down I-95 but I'm sure they'll be alright. I was tempted to take the under but Vegas has it at 37.0 and that's tough to take. If it were in the 40s I'd be all over it.

MEAT'S PICK: Jax +7, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Jax +7




DENVER @ BALTIMORE +3

Another playoff-bound home favorite. And this team is even more suspect than Chicago. I wasn't buying into Denver as an elite team early but they've certainly earned that with their play down the stretch. And you know what I think of those frauds down in Baltimore.

Denver to roll.

MEAT'S PICK: Denver -3, $50
HEAT'S PICK: Denver -3



INDIANAPOLIS +8 @ HOUSTON

Damnnnn son. This is a tough game all around, and that spread is making it even tougher.

I'm not buying the hype on Luck...another so-so game last week looks awesome because they are 9-4 now. But they beat the Titans at home. Any team with playoff aspirations should beat the Titans at home, and they should make it look easier than the Colts did.

Luck is basically rookie Peyton Manning. Tons of yards and throwing TDs but some poor throws that you can't make in the NFL and a boatload of picks to go with it. We saw what happened to Peyton Manning from his second year forward: he absolutely dominated some ass. I expect Luck to dominate ass throughout his career...but not until next season. He'll probably end up better than Bob Griffin the Third in the long run. But this year I don't trust him to win a game like this.

But....can he stay within 8? That's the question here. Sure Houston has lost big to teams like New England and Green Bay. Don't put Luck and Indianapolis in the class of those offenses yet. A better question is can he match what Jacksonville and Detroit did. I think Jacksonville was an anomaly and I think Detroit has more talent on offense, even if it's being run by that volume throwing frat-boy clown Matt Stafford. So I don't know.

For me, I guess it comes down to the opinion that Indianapolis has not a fuckin' prayer of stopping the Houston offense. I think Luck's going to need to put up a shit-ton of points to keep up, and I think he'll slip up and turn the ball over a few times in trying.

For those of you who think Indy wins this game straight up, and there is plenty of that sentiment out there, you can jump on that moneyline at +315 right now. But me, I'm sticking with the Texans to cover. I think the spread gets bet down as the week goes on, so I'm going to check back on it on Saturday.

MEAT'S PICK: Houston -8, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Indy +8



CAROLINA +3 @ SAN DIEGO

San Diego finds a way to lose this game. They just do. That's what the fuck they do in games like this and I'll bet on it happening from now on until it doesn't.

This isn't road favorite, Norv's about to lose his job San Diego like we saw last week. This is home favorite, Philip Rivers-elite San Diego. They find a way to fuck themselves, generally.

MEAT'S PICK: Carolina +3, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Carolina +3


SEATTLE @ BUFFALO +5.5

Ok, first off this game is in Toronto. It's in the dome. So forget about weather doing crazy things.

Second off, Seattle is a turnover forcing machine. We saw that last week. And while Browner is out, Richard Sherman is still appealing his adderall suspension and he'll be playing. I hope he did well on the test he was studying for.

As for Buffalo, they are an enigma like some of the other teams, but I've seen more bad Buffalo than good recently and I'll bet on that. Fitzpatrick can supply the fuel to even the shoddiest of turnover machines. He's like Ultra 93 Premium Unleaded for Seattle. I think they win easily.

MEAT'S PICK: Seattle -5.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Seattle -5.5


DETROIT -6.5 @ ARIZONA

Ok, ok. I know all about Detroit. But I'm betting against the Lindley/Skelton train until it runs me over.

Don't go crazy on this one because Detroit always has the potential to go full-Lion on you and AZ's defense can make Stafford pay for his apparent blind throws in the dark, but...Arizona is just blowing goat dick right now. Ride it. Ride that goat dick.

MEAT'S PICK: Detroit -6.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Arizona +6.5



PITTSBURGH @ DALLAS +1.5 

I'm surprised to see Dallas as the underdog here. If you want to bet Steelers on this one, I'd wait until the weekend as it's almost sure to swing their way. If you want Dallas, hurry the fuck up and jump on this one.

Me, I take Steelers here for $0, please. I'm not touching this one with actual cash.

MEAT'S PICK: Pittsburgh -1.5, $0
HEAT'S PICK: Dallas +1.5



KANSAS CITY +3 @ OAKLAND

I have no fucking clue. Give me the home team.

KC started last week off with an 80-yard TD run by Jamaal Charles. Then they were KC again. At least Oakland showed a semblance of NFL teaminess last week, although it's hard to put too much weight on it because it was a Thursday game and weird shit happens in Thursday games.

MEAT'S PICK: Oakland -3, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Oakland -3


SAN FRANCISCO +6 @ NEW ENGLAND

Holy shizz. Last week was relatively easy money taking New England, but this seems like an overreaction to that. I think SF is like a better Houston.

I think they can keep this one within 6, but I'm not confident enough to put any....ahhhh fuck it it's a fake money blog, I'll throw down on this one.

MEAT'S PICK: SF +6, $25
HEAT'S PICK: NE -6



NYJ +1 @ TENNESSEE

I trust Tennessee a lot more than Jacksonville. I don't know why, as Jacksonville beat Tennessee. But I do. So sue me.

Fuck Sanchez.

MEAT'S PICK: Tennessee -1, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Tenn -1



I've gone back and picked NYG +1 over Atlanta as my sizzler. I'm going to jump on that and put real money on it before they become the favorite.


Good luck!