Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Heat and Meat MOCK NFL DRAFT UP IN THIS PIECE

Heat would lick this guy's balls

Mock draft time! You know this shit is gonna happen, GUARANTEED. You don't even have to watch the draft.


1. TRADE!

MIAMI DOLPHINS TRADE UP TO #1 - GIVING KC THEIR FIRST ROUNDER THIS YEAR, HANDJOBS FOR THE COACHING STAFF, AND LET'S SAY TWO 2NDS

MIAMI SELECTS LUKE JOECKEL, OT, TEXAS A&M

Ok. This shit makes sense. The top of this draft SUCKS. It sucks cock. There are three positions available - Tackle (Joeckel and Fisher), rush LB (Jordan/Ansah/Jones/etc), and DT (Floyd/Lotuleiti (sp?)).

The Chiefs have rush OLBs, kinda have a tackle, and lead the world in picking bust DLs early (haaaa Dontari Poe). Every mock drafter is giving them Joeckel, but why? Joeckel reminds me of Jake Long - going #1 because of the weak class. This is no Orlando Pace. Watch tape of Orlando Pace at OSU - he absolutely MAULED people. It was like he was Casey Anthony and the defensive linemen were his unwanted children. He was like the Waterboy out there. Neither Jake Long nor Joeckel were quite at that level. Ideally, the Chiefs would take a QB here but...they have the grand fortune of getting the top draft pick in the worst draft for QBs since Jim Druckenmiller went in the first round. So...

TRADE IT TO THE DOLPHINS!

Rumor says the Dolphins are interested in Joeckel and Eric Fisher. Neither will last until pick 12. It's a weak first round, so it would take too much to move all the way up. And the Dolphins would certainly do this. The Dolphins are comically bland, and they'd like to get even blander. So let's watch this paint dry, Miami. Fins up!



2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT DION JORDAN, OLB, OREGON

I'm not completely sold on Jordan, but he has the physical characteristics of beastliness and, let's face it, Jacksonville can take anybody at any position and upgrade. They are the only team more boring than Miami. They suck. Florida's teams are as exciting as its terrain. Watching a Jags/Jets game is like watching the live birth of trees. So they can do whatever they want here.

After picking Blaine Gabbert early two years ago, they would have presumably learned their lesson not to make the same mistake here. Take a guy like Jordan who many compare to Von Miller, suck ass again with Gabbert, and then take either Manziel or Teddy Bridgewater next year. Or hell, Jadaveon Clowney. Just don't blow it again on a QB. Knowing this team, they'll probably take Geno Smith. I think their recent lack of success picking high DL will cause them to shift away from Floyd and Lutoleitejhte. Let's just call him Star. That's a lot easier.


3. OAKLAND RAIDERS SELECT STAR LOTULELEI, DT, UTAH

Finally looked up this dude's name.

Ok, the Commitment to Excellence ended years ago, and was buried when the Raiders gave up two firsts and a second for the remains of Carson Palmer. But supposedly Reg McKenzie is bringing some sense to the team, and so I'm going to make a pick that I feel is sensible.

After finally releasing Tommie Kelly and his Al Davisian salary, the Raiders have a huge black hole at DT. And most mocks have them taking Sharrif Floyd. But...assuming it's not a 4-3 v. 3-4 thing...I like Lotulelei a lot more. I can't watch much on these dudes because I can't Youtube all day, but Lotulelei looks a lot more forceful and effective. I know he wasn't playing in the SE-fucking-C, where superstars everywhere else become mere backups, but he was throwing people around on the reg. Yeah they were highlight tapes but whatever. There's no 4.2 receiver here for the Raiders to cum all over (well...there is Tavon Austin...Al Davis probably would have picked him, fa rill)....so I think they'll replace Kelly with the beast NT.



4. EAGLES TRADE TO SOMEBODY

There's nothing here that makes sense for the Eagles, in my mind. At least not at 4. If the Chiefs use their first pick on Joeckel I could see the Fins trading up to this spot to take Eric Fisher. Anybody want Eric Fisher? Hmm.

EAGLES TRADE PICK TO ARIZONA FOR THEIR FIRST THIS YEAR, A ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO BRAZZERS.COM AND A 2ND AND 3RD

CARDINALS SELECT ERIC FISHER, OT, CENTRAL MICHIGAN

This actually, I think, makes a dickton of sense. Lane Johnson is this year's Riley Reiff. He'll fall, so I don't think AZ would take him 7th. They are also considering a trade for Brandon Albert of the Chiefs, which shows how desperate they are for an OT. This also allows me to keep Milliner at Detroit's spot.

Eric Fisher is a small-school guy, which people have theorized will keep him from going no. 1 overall. But here, I think he's fine. Fuck, this just makes too much sense. I'll bet everyone a 'scrip to Brazzers that it does. Jk. I'm a blacksonblondes guy, myself.


5. DETROIT LIONS SELECT DEE MILLINER, CB, ALABAMA

Ok, recent "rumors" are that Milliner's stock is falling and Detroit will go OT (if available) or Ansah instead. But, I said months ago that they go CB, so I'll stick with it. Milliner didn't look amazing when Tyler Eifert was catching go-routes on his face in the NCAA championship game, but Eifert's fuckin' good so I'm going to keep Milliner as the first CB off the board. The Lions need secondary help like Shawn Kemp needs a vasectomy, so I'm not going to panic and give them an LB or OT. They drafted Riley Reiff last year in the first...move him to LT, find a fill-in RT and thank the heavens that someone actually took Gosder Cherilus off of your hands.





6. CLEVELAND BROWNS SELECT TAVON AUSTIN, WR, WVU

My first real surprise pick. But it makes perfect sense.

The Browns are godawff on offense. There is no explosion. No splash plays. They barely displace any liquid at all, even after drafting Greased Pig Richardson 4th overall last year. So do they take a CB like Milliner if he falls? I don't think so. Do they take a QB? Not here. Do they take Ansah or a project like Mingo? I think that their defense, while not exciting, is much less of a concern than their offense. They basically just signed all of last year's Ravens. So let's look at that offense.

They have Greg Little and Josh Gordon on the outsides, and those dudes are ok, but...Austin is motherfucking electric. If he isn't a bust, he will charge the shit out of this offense. Their offense is like stagnant bathtub water, and he's like a plugged-in toaster. He should open everything up. He'll be catching balls 5 yards off the line, so even Brandon Weeden can hit him. I know he's little, but so are Welker and Amendola (ok...bad example), and neither of them are dead yet. A little WR, if used properly, can open everything up. I've seriously just convinced myself that this happens.



7. EAGLES (FROM ARIZONA) SELECT GENO SMITH, QB WVU

This was tough. I don't think the Eagles will select Smith at 4. But at 7? With some extra picks? I mean...maybe they will. You figure you have one more year out of Vick, and he may not even make it through that year. Or he may suck. Dennis Dixon is a backup. Smith is perfect for this offense. And he's CHEAP. Look at SF and Seattle...that's how you do it right now. When you don't have to pay big money to your QB, you can spend it elsewhere and bring in Anquan Boldin and Percy Harvin.

I read that the Eagle interest in Smith is real, but I don't buy it at 4. I can buy it a little bit more at 7. The Eagles may decide they want a QB who hasn't murdered entire piles of dogs, and Smith should at the least give them that.





8. BUFFALO BILLS SELECT CHANCE WARMACK, G, ALABAMA

I don't think they take a QB here, despite their repeated bluster to do so. If they do, I'd go Barkley, who locks down on receivers to the point that they develop Stockholm Syndrome. I can't see Nassib. Or Glennon. But I can see one of those two (or three) in the second round. Or Tyler Bray (haahaaaa, go ahead Buffalo, please draft him) in the third. But not first. Barkley or other position.

And I'll go other position. They are currently pencilling in a guy named David Snow to start at left guard. He was an undrafted FA who got waived and signed a lot. Chance Warmack is supposed to be an unstoppable force of beast. I was thinking Ansah here but...they signed Manny Lawson and have Nigel Bradham who I imagine they'd like to give a shot to and they still smell that Aaron Maybin stank sooooo I'm gonna go with the guard. This team pays both Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller to carry the load and it seems to make sense to put Warmack in front of them. I wouldn't be surprised with a big WR to pair across with Stevie Johnson, but that can probably wait until round 2 in this draft.




9. NY JETS SELECT EDDIE LACY, RB, ALABAMA

I'm mainly doing this because it's so Jets. The Jets would absolutely take a running back in the top 10, and they would think that it will relieve pressure on Sanchize, and they clearly remember employing Shonn Greene as their lead back.

Sanchize will still suck, and this almost certainly won't happen, but I'm going to mock it anyway because it's my world and yinz are just living in it.




10. TENNESSEE TITANS SELECT SHARIFF FLOYD, DT, FLORIDA

Who is Jurrell Casey? No idea. But I know who Shariff Floyd is, and I think he makes a lot of sense here. This team kinda sucks but is mediocre enough at every position that I can't find one that screams out "upgrade me!". Well...maybe DT and OLB. At least I recognize one of the OLB's names, so I'll slot Floyd in here. And he will lead the way to 8-8 City.




11. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS SELECT LANE JOHNSON, OT, OKLAHOMA

I thought Johnson would fall until I saw San Diego's depth chart. I was considering mocking Justin Hunter here, as they could use some firepower, but...holy fuck is their O-Line putrid. It's a joke. They should take OL in their first three picks. AJ Smith was the worst GM in history the way he let this team atrophy....they were good not that long ago. Bad FA signings and awful drafting have done them in. Now they might beat Vanderbilt in college overtime.



12. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS SELECT SHELDON RICHARDSON, DE/DT, MISSOURI

I'm not really sure where to go here. The Chiefs have good book-end OLBs and really need a 3-4 DE (maybe they might stay at the top and select Floyd or Lotulelei, like for reals), but what 3-4 DE is available?

(looks up 3-4 DEs available)

Sheldon Richardson! Sure, another early DE going to the Chiefs. Man they suck.



13. NY JETS SELECT JUSTIN HUNTER, WR, TENNESSEE

Gotta be consistent. If the Jets really try to fix the Sanchize problem by throwing weapons at it, and I believe they will, this makes a lot of sense. When Santonio Holmes went down last year, the receiver corps was completely barren. Stephen Hill isn't quite ready for prime time. Adding a guy like Hunter, who was considered a top-5 talent before a knee injury in 2011, with give Sanchez some more opportunities to badly miss open receivers. Then they'll cut Holmes and Sanchez next offseason and start completely from step one, with no rhyme or reason. GO JETS!



14. CAROLINA PANTHERS SELECT XAVIER RHODES, CB, FLORIDA STATE

Carolina's secondary is awful. I recognize two names, and they are Captain Munnerlyn and Ha-something Nakamuri. That's bad. Real bad.

Rhodes' stock is rising, and I think that the Panthers will go corner before they go safety. Just a hunch. That and I'm not high on Vaccaro.




15. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS SELECT JARVIS JONES, OLB, GEORGIA

Jones was at one point a consensus top-3 player. After a bad combine and everybody remembering that his spine may be irrevocably fucked up, he's dropped like a rock. But, he still lead the NCAA in sacks last year, and he still has better tape than Ansah and Mingo, and it's pretty clear that New Orleans needs a pass-rushing OLB, so I'll slot him here.




16. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT DEANDRE HOPKINS, WR, CLEMSON

I'm surprised Hopkins isn't talked about with the top WRs in this class, while Keenan Allen is. I think Keenan Allen is Koren Robinson's west-coast reincarnate. This pick, for me, comes down to Hopkins v. Patterson. Patterson may have a bit more flash, but I think St. L would go with Hopkins here. They need WRs, they haven't really had one for years AND they just let Amendola walk. The defense is sufficient enough that they can address OLB and safety later...I just don't see them passing on giving Bradford just one weapon to work with here to add Vaccaro.



17. PITTSBURGH STEELERS SELECT CORDARRELLE PATTERSON, WR, TENNESSEE

Well....this one was tough. If Hunter were still available I'd have him here (in the real draft, I'm going to be completely wrong, and he'll probably still actually be available). It's a toss-up for me between Eifert and Cordarrelle Patterson, and I think the Steelers will go with the receiver. Why? Because while Eifert is able to line up and play some WR, as he showed in the NCAA championship catching balls over Dee Milliner's head...I just can't see overreacting to Heath Miller's injury with a guy who may force his way into Heath Miller's job. I'd rather go with the WR here. That doesn't mean I don't think Eifert is a really, really good prospect. He's like Jeff Samardjiza on steroids. 'Cause they're both white dudes.

With Jason Worilds around, I don't see the Steelers going OLB here, no matter what all of the rumors say. Manny Sanders is probably gone, and if Antonio Brown doesn't take the next step, it's going to be hard to justify paying him almost $10 mil per year going forward. I think sticking somebody like Patterson onto the field will make it that much easier for Brown to elevate his game.




18. DALLAS COWBOYS SELECT DJ FLUKER, OT, ALABAMA


Fluker is a motherfucking mountain of a man who mauls the shit out of people. The Cowboys start Doug Free at tackle. Next question.



19. NY GIANTS

Hmm. They really need line help but Fluker and Warmack are gone. I don't think they reach for anyone else.

Their OLBs are awful, but all of the dudes left are 3-4 OLB/DE hybrids. I can't see Ansah here. Or Mingo.

Walterfootball has Bjoern Werner, who I don't really like, but I guess he makes some sense. Hold on a sec.

NY GIANTS SELECT BJOERN WERNER, DE/OLB, FLORIDA STATE

Bjoern Werner was highly rated at the start of the offseason - like top 5 highly rated. I didn't get it. He had double-digit sacks, but 6 or 7 of them came in the first two games against joke teams. I think he had less than 5 the rest of the way.

But, I read that he's smart and instinctive, and that he is German so he has a way to go as far as understanding the game, so he has some potential. I just don't like it. But I like it better than reaching for an OL prospect.




20. CHICAGO BEARS SELECT TYLER EIFERT, TE, NOTRE DAME

I just mentioned that I think Eifert is an excellent prospect, and the Bears need a tight end bad enough that they signed Matt Spaeth to a big free agent deal a few years ago. Big by Spaeth standards, at least. Sooooo that's pretty much the thought process on this one.




21. CINCINNATI BENGALS SELECT GIOVANNI BERNARD, RB, UNC

The Bengals could presumably go just about anywhere - I don't think they are that great, but they don't really have any holes in their roster. However, running back is probably one of the weaker spots. And they are in the AFC North, where yeah smashmouth, real men, running the ball, ahhhhhh and shit. So I hope they reach like Dhalsim for Giovanni Bernard, who is the top RB on a lot of boards, apparently.




22. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT EZEKIAL ANSAH, DE/OLB, BYU

Well, they still need an OLB. I didn't know they had another pick. Ansah is a 3-4 type OLB, but I need to get him off of my board and so fuck it, he can go to St. Louis and cum all over the arch for all I care.

I see Alec Ogletree consistently mocked to teams in this range as an ILB, St. Louis included. I don't see it. Watch his tape. He's completely lost on a football field - you may as well call him Kevin McAllister. I'd take Minter from LSU and probably even Te'o before I took a chance on Ogletree.



23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS SELECT KAWANN SHORT, DT, PURDUE

They need a DT. Kawann Short is a highly ranked DT. This is the point where I stop caring.




24. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT QB MATT BARKLEY

jk

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT DESMOND TRUFANT, CB, WASHINGTON

The Colts need defenders badly. Somehow they did ok on defense last season, but it ain't gonna last with this roster. This Trufant guy is rated highly, and Trufants out of Washington have done well in recent NFL history.



25. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - KEVIN MINTER, ILB, LSU

Forgot that Minnesota has the Harvin pick. I'd consider a WR here but you can get them later. They need to keep building the middle of that defense back-up, just like the old Vikings teams from 2009 and 2010 that were actually like, good. Minter is a beastly enough to go 1.26.




26. GREEN BAY PACKERS SELECT KENNY VACCARO, S, TEXAS

Green Bay had an awesome secondary a few years ago. That was a few years ago. Injuries and AIDS epidemics have hurt, so I imagine with the pickings available at this point, they'd inject some youth and supposed skill into it.




27. HOUSTON TEXANS SELECT ANY WIDE RECEIVER

They really need somebody across from Andre Johnson, who is no spring chicken himself.

HOW ABOUT KEENAN ALLEN, WR, CALIFORNIA

Fine. I hope they pick him, because I don't think he'll be that good.





28. DENVER BRONCOS SELECT BARKEVIOUS MINGO, DE/OLB

Why not? They just lost Dumervil, Mingo seems kind of like Dumervil, so you do the math.





29. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT JOHNATHAN COOPER, G, UNC

I read about this guy and people seem to think he's awesome. I doubt New England needs a guard, but why not go BPA? They really need a WR but I cannot see them reaching here for Robert Woods or whoever else may be available.




30. ATLANTA FALCONS  SELECT DJ HAYDEN, CB, HOUSTON

Have you read this dude's story? He almost died when a freak hit in practice caused his motherfucking aorta to rupture. Before that, he was considered as possibly the best CB in this draft. This is tremendous value for a team that needs a corner, assuming that Hayden's heart is all back together now.



31. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS SELECT MARGUS HUNT, DE, SMU

Supposedly they like this dude, and Justin Smith is pushing 50, and they have like no real needs, so it makes sense.                                   



32. BALTIMORE RAVENS SELECT DA'RICK ROGERS, WR, TENNESSEE TECH

Fucking finally.

Baltimore just let Boldin go, and I don't understand why. I think he made that offense go. Da'rick Rogers was at Tennessee before using weed or something and getting kicked off of their team. He's a very Boldin-type of receiver, so I think that if he doesn't use weed anymore he'll provide good value at the end of the first.

Ok bye

Friday, April 19, 2013

WHAT THE F YO

If I did that parlay yesterday, but accidentally picked the opposite on each one, I'd have won. Wow. What a day.

Thanks for Yovani Gallardo, now every pitcher in MLB will be getting DUIs. WHAT A PRECEDENT TO SET GALLARDO.

Taking some time off from betting, as I'm 15-10 now and inching ever closer back to .500. Can't have that shiz yo.

Should have an NFL mock up soon that is perfect and guaranteed to happen exactly as depicted. Stay safe, humans.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Stupid Cavs

The Cavs came out last night with all the energy of an Alabama Gay Pride festival, finding themselves down by 18 after the first quarter in Charlotte. They fought their way back in, but...just not enough. You don't want to get down 18 after one, it's one of Nancy Liebermann's "Golden Rules of Women's Basketball", and it applies to the men's game as well. Liebs was a visionary. Don't challenge her theories...you'll lose.

So, anyway, I'll get on that diamond tonight.


BET 1: GIANTS (M. Cain) @ BREWERS (Y. Gallardo), GIANTS -125

Bet $125 to win $100....sounds like some damn good odds when you've got Matt Cain on the hill against drunk Yovani Gallardo. Gallardo had sucked before his DUI, and hopefully, for karma and society's sake, he doesn't right the ship here. Seriously, pitchers are a very quirky, superstitious bunch...if Gallardo hurls a gem, and they start thinking that DUIs will fix whatever ails them on the mound, these weird motherfuckers will do it. Can't wait to see James McDonald pounding Bud Ices before tearing through the South Side, Alameda Ta'Amu style.


BET 2: PARLAY! (It's been awhile)

A: GIANTS -125, as above

B. TIGERS (Verlander) -170 over MARINERS (Asian Dude), and

C. WHITE SOX @ BLUE JAYS, OVER 7.5

Ok. A. I've explained. B. is Verlander and while a quick check shows Asian Guy has pitched well, I'll take my chances with the tower of power JV on the hill. And C. is a matchup of 2012 aces who have struggled in a hitters park and I think they'll get the 8 runs. This one pays out at +424. I'm thinking that three-way baseball parlays may be the way to go...parlays don't really give you much of a multiplier until you bring that third team in. We shalt see!

Alright, I'm 15-8. I need some wins tonight. Let's get it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Saved by the Rains

Well, I lost my bet on the Giants as the Zito bandwagon had a Zapruder event as soon as I got on it. And my Cards over Pirates bet was looking bad too, as the Bucs got out to an early 4-2 lead, only to have the game postponed due to rain. So it's like it never happened. Unfortch, I'd rather lose the bet and have the Buccos win. No more betting against them from Meat, I'll let Heat do that if anybody ever sees him.

So that drops me to 15-7. Still HALL OF FAME TERRIFIC AS SHIT, players. Let's get back to Meat's ol' winning ways.



BET 1: CLEVELAND CAVS @ CHARLOTTE - CLEVELAND +2.5

This is the only type of NBA game I'll bet on at this point - two teams who both are out of the playoffs and have nothing to lose.

Now, while both these teams suck, I think Cleveland sucks a whole lot less AND they have a motivated Kyrie Irving, who was just knocked in the media for playing with a "fuck it"-itiveness at the end of the Heat game and then leaving the court before fan appreciation time. He realized his mistake, manned up, and I think he'll be all in for this one. As he's the only thing approaching an NBA player that will be out on this court, that's enough for me. He should be ok beating Bismack Boyombo or whatever his name is, and his team is getting 2.5 points to work with here.




....andddd I don't see any MLB games that I want to bet on. There are a few I want to take (Oakland over Houston for one), but baseball is far too random for me to take -180 or -210 action on a single game.

So let's just ride them Cavs.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

In Which Kevin Correia Becomes an ACE

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever

Kevin Correia is awful at baseball. He's not good. He gives up a ton of hard contact. He was facing the Angels. I know they have sucked, but COME ON. Correia gave up like 2 runs in a lot of innings. The Twins put up about 8 runs. That's insane, yo. I'll have to keep betting on MLB games because, I guess, MLB is more about volume and sample size than any other sport.

Thought about taking the A's to rock Erik Bedard, but I remembered Bedard weaving some occasional early-season gems last year. He gave up 7 in the first inning. Oh well.

Anyway, my other two bets hit, so I went 2-1 (well, more like 1.5-1 but whatevs) to bring me to 15-6. Still going to be hard to beat that - you can make a living reading this site!

Let's see if I like anything tonight.


BET 1: CARDINALS (J. Westbrook) @ PIRATES (J. Sanchez), CARDS -1.5 @ +105

I'm not going to put any of my actual money on this because I don't want to bet against the Bucs, but...you should with yours. Jake Westbrook and the Cardinals are facing Jonathan Sanchez, a guy who is probably going to get sent to the minors. A guy who any of you Giants fans would probably be shocked to hear is still in the major leagues. That guy. He's taking on the Cards tonight. Good luck.



BET 2: GIANTS (B. Zito) @ BREWERS (W. Peralta), GIANTS @ -108

I'm just riding the Zito train, basically. I may be late but I'll take my chances. Get off the tracks!



I'm waffling on the A's-Astros OVER 7.5, but I'm gonna avoid it because I can't count on the Astros to score even a single run. Those two above will do for tonight.

Bet strong. Bet with Meat.


Monday, April 15, 2013

April 15th Picks

TAX-DAY SPECIALS AT HEAT AND MEAT!

Looks like nobody gives a fuck about the WNBA draft. Fuckers. Let's get back to what we do best...bettin' on NBA games.



BET 1: MIAMI HEAT @ CLEVELAND, MIAMI +1

What? Is there something I'm missing? Why are the Cavs favored over the Heat? Did LeBron die?

I think the Heat would win this game even in spite of his death, so I'll take the point. I have to be missing something here.



BET 2: CHICAGO BULLS @ ORLANDO, BULLS -165

Obviously like the Bulls to win, but don't want to chance them doing so by 4 or more points. I think this moneyline is decent so I'll take them to win straight up.



BET 3: LA ANGELS (J. Blanton) @ MINNESOTA (K. Correia), LAA -1.5 @ +130

Switching gears and going baseball here, I'll take the Angels to pound Kevin Correia. I know the Angels have kind of sucked, but...it's Kevin Correia. He's usually awful. He gives up a lot of hits and runs and homeruns and stuff. It's going to be cold, and it's going to snow, but...Correia will find a way.


Running total: 13-5

Friday, April 12, 2013

WNBA 2013 MOCK DRAFT!!!!






It's that time of year, kids! Nothing gets the atmosphere at Heat and Meat buzzing quite like the WNBA draft, where we transition almost immediately from the excitement of the NCAA Women's Final Four right into the draft, where the WNBA welcomes some young blood (hahahahahahaaha) into America's League.

This year, the number one pick is a soft, one-handed slam dunk pick, and everybody knows it. GRINE-TIME. Not only do the people of Phoenix get to watch the gritty on-basemanship of Martin Prado and the glove of Didi Gregorious this summer, they also get to witness the most dominating female force since Marge Thatcher on a near-nightly basis. Things can not be hotter in Phoenix this summer.

 Let's get to it, with Meat's 2013 round 1 mock draft.


1. PHOENIX MERCURY - Brittney Griner, Beast, Baylor

Our generation not only has the iPad and Bud Light Limes, we've also been lucky enough to witness Grines dominate the NCAA like no women had done before. Mark Cuban has been making waves about drafting her for the Mavs. Jim Irsay wants her as a wide receiver. But Phoenix Mercury fans, I imagine, are going to be the lucky ones who get to witness her go Ostertag all over the rest of the league. BG is big, fast (-ish, I think, maybe), and strong (I don't know). She's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball right now. She can kind of dunk, and as a matter of fact, I've read that of the 33 rim-rattling dunks in NCAA women's history, Grines is responsible for 18 of them. That's insane! That would be like saying of all the inches of dick in the world, I account for 60% of it. I WOULD KILL ENTIRE TOWNS WITH THAT MEGA-DICK! That's the kind of cock Griner will be bringing to the frontcourt of the Mercury. Oh, and she's fundamentally sound.


2. CHICAGO SKY - Skylar Diggins, Guard, Notre Dame

And the Chicago Sky are left with the unenvious position of drafting after Griner is gone. Is this the Ducks drafting Bobby Ryan after the Pens took Sid Crosby? The Mariners getting Dustin Ackley after the Nats took Strasburg? I don't think so. I think this is the Pens taking Malkin after the Caps got Ovechkin. Because Skylar Diggins can straight BALL, and she can do it fundamentally soundly, I'd imagine. She'll become a Margaret Thatcher-type leading Chicago's backcourt.

HOLD THE F ON.

Since I have basically no idea who the hell Skylar Diggins is, I had to look her up on the internet, and of course, she has naked pictures everywhere. That's unique. Solid second overall pick here for the Sky...local college player, more likely to have fucked T'eo than his actual girlfriend, naked on the internet. And apparently Lil' Wayne is trying desperately to hit that. We live in a strange, strange age.

Yourrrrrrr 2013 Chicago Sky!!!!



3. TULSA SHOCK - TRADE ALERT!

NEW YORK LIBERTY TRADE A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S PICKS AND THEIR 5th OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK TO TULSA FOR THEIR 3rd OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK

NEW YORK LIBERTY - Elena Delle-Donne, Forward, Delaware

OUR FIRST DRAFT SHOCK(ER)! Tulsa can't turn down this bounty of women's picks, not with so many holes to fix. New York, on the other hand, is desperately looking to find the next Becs Lobo and Delle-Donne is also a tall, white girl. I actually think Delle-Donne can ball out pretty hard, if I'm not mistaken, and if Chicago weren't hell bent on acquiring a local naked chick, she'd be a clear-cut second pick.

What a historic women's draft. Delle-Donne, in most years, is an easy number 1 pick. She's probably fundamentally sound. She's 6'5", and size rules in the women's game, where everybody is like, 5'7". And, she can woman-dunk. Nothing brings down an WNBA house like a thunderous womandunk. New York sees an opening and gives Tulsa whatever it wants. They need the next Lobo, and now's the time to act.



4. WASHINGTON MYSTICS - Kelsey Bone, Center, Texas A&M

Size matters in the WNBA, and the Mystics hurry to the podium to draft a bad bitch in Kelsey Bone, the 6'4" center from Texas A&M. Bone is kinda raw but, if she can put it all together and she puts in the time and sweat to improve, she has the potential to become very fundamentally sound. It's tough to pass on a Tayler Hill at this point, but Washington needs to get some size in the paint if they want to compete with the other women's teams this season.





5. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Tayler Hill, Guard, Ohio State

Tulsa passes on Delle-Donne for the RG-III-esque bounty of, let's say two future first round women's picks and a second rounder this year, and they go with the big guard out of Ohio State. At 5'10", Hill is going to be quite a mismatch for smaller women's basketball players, and women's basketball is a game of mismatches. Miss-matches, I call them, before shooting myself in the face out of embarrassment. Tulsa probably needs help in their women's backcourt, and Tayler "Miss Match" Hill is just the gal to provide it. And, if I might add, in a fundamentally sound manner.





6. SEATTLE STORM - Kayla Alexander, Center, Syracuse

Another 6'4" center going in the first round, this one to Seattle. Kayla Alexander will give Seattle that big shot-blocker in the paint who can grab boards and then pass them to Sue Bird. "All-Day" Kay is, I'm sure, very fundamentally sound and we all know the "Liebermann Equation"...size + fundamentals = championships. It's basically the e=mc2 of the WNBA. Kayla Anderson is about to become the Storm's Einstein. I haven't seen a bitch this bad since Margaret Thatcher.





7. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Toni Young, Forward, Oklahoma State

Oh snap! Turns out the Liberty had another first rounder this year that they had received from the Atlanta women's basketball team. Let's assume that this pick goes to Tulsa in the Delle-Donne deal. Tulsa will then turn around and take who I've read is the best natural athlete in this draft, 6'1" forward Toni Young out of Oklahoma State. Athleticism is nice and Toni will likely put out her own personal highlight reel of super-athletic lay-ups, but, if it's going to work out in the end, she needs to become fundamentally sound. She's going to have to work hard at the next level if she's to reach her full potential. She's going to have to learn how the pros play and really work on her all-around game. She basically needs to find her inner Margaret Thatcher.





8. SAN ANTONIO SILVER STARS - Tianna Hawkins, Forward, Maryland

Due to a rash of injuries and tragic pregnancies to their big girls, San Antonio is going to be desperate to add some size down low in this draft. Luckily for them, this epically strong draft is going to allow a fundamentally sound, Margaret Thatcher-type leader like Tianna Hawkins to fall to them in the 8th spot. Hawkins rebounds in her sleep, and rebounding is a key part of fundamentals, which are half of the Liebermann Equation. The Silver Stars hope that adding a solid fundamental force like Hawkins will allow them to continue to compete for the championship, year after year.





9. INDIANA FEVER - Kelly Faris, Guard, UCONN

Adding a woman's player from UCONN is the equivalent of adding a football player from Alabama or a bowler from Maryland-Eastern Shore. You know what you're getting from these excellent programs, and it can't hurt to add players who were brought up in an atmosphere that demands consistent success. Faris is no different. A tenacious, gritty defender, she's also fundamentally sound offensively and she can shoot that little ball they use quite well. It would behoove any team to add a player like this, and with no clear-cut choice here with Hawkins off the board, the Fever decide to do just that. Players like this are the types that really help a perennial contender like the Fever stay on top, as Nancy Liebermann probably likes to say.




10. LOS ANGELES SPARKS - Sugar Rodgers, Guard, Georgetown

A surprise pick here, as the Sparks select the lady Iverson, Sugar Rodgers. Sugar is just a natural scorer in the Iverson/Eddie House type of mold, and the Sparks here choose to go with flash. Sugs is a bit of a gunner, and she's going to have to become more fundamentally sound at the highest level of women's basketball, but her determination to get the ball in the hoop is quite impressive. It's very Margaret Thatcher of her.




11. CONNECTICUT SUN - Lindsey Moore, Guard, Nebraska

What? The team in Connecticut is called the "Sun"? Are they in a division with the Detroit Well-To-Dos and the Mississippi Tolerance? Well, regardless of their moniker, they are missing their top two guards this year due to season-ending injuries. They need somebody to step in right away, and at this point, the most likely to do that is Lindsey Moore from Nebraska. She's not the quickest or fastest or anything, but she's very fundamentally sound, she can lead the offense, and she can shoot a bit, too. Like Nancy Liebermann probably said at some point, "when in doubt, go for the fundamentals. Fundamentals are to the women's game what hepatitis is to the Hispanic population". Nancy Liebermann is kinda racist. But she's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball, and when she speaks, you listen.






12. MINNESOTA LYNX - Markel Walker, Forward, UCLA

The reigning WNBA champion Minnseota Lynx don't need much, so in this instance I think they are going to add a hybrid guard/forward in Markel Walker. Walker is a straight-up fundamental BEAST down low. A real Karl Malone type, and that's quite apt because the postal service hires a shit-ton of women these days. And Walker can really carry the letters, rain, sleet or perfect indoor women's basketball weather.

Walker is going to bang some bodies down in the paint and if these other girls don't like it, they can go play tennis. She's also quite capable of handling the little rock and running the offense from the wing. The kind of cog that can really help a championship team like Minnesota. Walker is going to make Minnesotans forget about whoever their last women's star was real quick.





Well, that's it, since there are only 12 teams in women's basketball. The Atlanta Dream don't have a first rounder, so fuck them. They can pick up some fresh young ladies in rounds 2 and 3. As always, please stay tuned to your source for hot WNBA action, Heat and Meat's Dripping Wet Sports Picks.



A's win 8-1

Not exactly how I expected the two teams to combine for 9, but, with the A's hammering the Angels 8-1, they did. And that's all that matters. That moves me to 13-5.

WNBA mock draft is coming up shortly.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

OVER






Easy over in the NCAA championship game, moving Meat to 12-5 A.F. (after football). Looked kinda dicey late in the first half, but then the runs started and that's all I needed.

Now, let's bet on baseball.

...looking....

...ok, found one I kind of like.

BET: OAKLAND A'S (AJ Griffin) @ LAA ANGLES (J. Vargas), OVER 8.0

The A's have been on fire, scoring runs in droves this season. The Angels haven't been, but they are certainly capable of it. Griffin is a highly regarded rookie/2nd year guy for Oakland, but he's just that...a young guy with an incomplete track record. Vargas is some dude I've never heard of. Think they can combine for 9 runs? I do.


Monday, April 8, 2013

YUUUUUU! And NCAA Basketball, Of Course

Me strike you out long time!

Damn sons, I expected Yu Darvish to mow down the Astros last week and break me out of my slump, but I didn't expect him to come within an out of perfect-gaming those sad sacks. Yu was cruising, but a high pitch count (he was clearly tired) forced him to go after hitters at the end. One of them, Marwin McWhothefuck, got enough to send one back up the middle and that was all she wrote. Wonder if you can bet on perfect games? Jk, you still would have lost.

So alright, I'm 11-5 now, I think. Maybe 11-6. Either way, slump is busted. 

Which means I'm always going to be right again, and with that in mind, let's get on that NCAA basketball championship game tonight!



Line on the game is Louisville -3.5. I don't know what I like there. I think Michigan wins, but I'm not the biggest college basketball person so I'm not sure enough to bet. If I had to, I'm taking Michigan plus the points. Moneyline is UM +155, which I think is another pretty good value bet if you think the Wolverines are taking this game.

So, instead of betting the line, I'm going to do what I typically do for the Penguins here and just take the over. These teams for the most part have scored 80-ish points a game. I look at this like I look at the UM-Kansas game, which turned into a shootout in the end. If any team gets up at all early, I think this game will go the same way. Louisville got behind against Wichita St on Saturday and just turned it on late. Trey Burke and Michigan are the same way. So an O/U of 138.0? A 69-69 game? I think we'll have that tonight.

MEAT'S PICK: OVER 138.0

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Slump Continues

AINT THAT SOME POOP

Alls I remember is Memphis leading by 5 early, and then completely sucking goat-taint the rest of the way. They lost by almost 20. F THEM.

New slumpbuster: whatever Heat says. Jk lololol Heat never posts anything.

Maybe I'll solicit Daddy Long Penis for his best bet. Nah, let's just cherry pick an NBA game.

...checking...

DAMN IT. NBA bets suck tonight. I'm not going to let Washington beat me again.

Ok, I got it.



SLUMPBUSTER BET: Texas Rangers and Yu Darvish -1.5 to beat Lucas Harrell and the Astros

The Rangers, behind Darvish (who's awesome), should put it on the damn Astros, who suck. LET'S BREAK THIS SLUMP.




Record: 10-5. Guh.