Friday, January 25, 2013


Hey y'all, if you dougs haven't had the time to watch the Manti Te'o interview with Katie Couric because you're busy or maybe because you just don't give a fuck about the whens and whys but, like myself, were just entertained by the sheer wtf-ness of the whole ordeal, then you are in luck. In fact, the only reason I watched was because I felt a sense of duty and obligation to you all as a founding father of this blog, which you guys have kept going through your faithful following and generous donations and for which Heat and I both thank you from the bases of our girthy cocks.

So let's get on to the meat (hahaahahahaahahaha no pun intended) of this interview:

 Manti - let me touch on one theory that has been out there making the rounds in the blogosphere and I'll give you a chance to address it. There's been a lot of chatter that you were behind this...

Ain't that some shit.

...that you were using this as a cover up, you know, to hide your sexuality. So let me just ask you something. Manti, are you gay? way. Far from it. Very far from it.

*laughs* Ok, so definitely not gay.

Katie, I would fuck you so deep right now that you would cry. I would drill that hot MILF-puss like fuckin' ANWaR. Dear Lord would I tear up that vag.

Well I'd better keep these legs crossed!

*nervous laughter*

See how you had to change your clothes, Katie? Because of how wet I made you? Katie, in Hawaii we know rain. We know moisture. It rains more in Hawaii than any other state. But that doesn't count that hot clit of yours - weather services don't recognize that shit. Why don't we get a rain gauge? I'll show you how not gay I am.

Ok, this is getting carried away. Look, I changed back. That was the only picture that they could find of me. We understand that you aren't gay...

Do you? Do you recognize how not gay I am? How much I live and die for the vagine? I would bleed for the vagina. I wouldn't bleed for the dick. I fucking hate the dick, Katie. I hate it. I hate how veiny it is and how it shoots hot white cum at you when you play with it. I hate that shit. Hate the clean up. But the vagina is majestic and I'm in fucking love with it.

Well, that actually sounds like a pretty gay explanation.

*pulls out cock*

You want me to prove it to you? You want this runner-up dick?

You need to put that away now.

Why don't you put it away for me?

Manti, I'm not going to touch your dick on National television...

Why? Afraid you might like this straight dick? Afraid you can't handle a not-gay cock? Maybe that's why Lennay faked her death. She knew I'd have her walking like FDR if we had ever met up.

No no no...Manti...she's not real! Lennay never existed!

No that's what you think! You can't prove that she didn't. You can't prove that she wasn't afraid of the pounding I was about to put on her. I was going to loosen her up with this Hawaiian boa. I was going to RUIN that girl. That's how not gay I am. Lenny...I mean Lennay....was going to ride this dick straight into the fuckin' HOSPITAL. Maybe she didn't have health insurance. Or maybe it doesn't cover "injuries resulting from Manti Te'o's huge Samoan mancock". Does your insurance cover that? You probably have good insurance. If you are so not lesbian, why don't you hop on?

Ok moving along here...

I'm not gay.

Yes, I know, I know.


Oh Dear God...


...ok we better cut to commercial.

Take your old cell phones...and in seconds, ATTACH THEM TO YOUR FACE!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Post-Conference Championship Recap

So, it's Harbaugh v. Harbaugh in the first Kotex Bowl. Wonderful.

49ers-Falcons spread was 4, so that game pushed. Howevs, as Heat said last week, prophetically:

Atlanta's luck will run out in the second half again. 

Pretty much. You could have made a killing betting on Atlanta in the first quarter this season and then against them the rest of the way. Not much to say on this one as it was basically the same as every game the Falcons have played this year - they get up big and then they barely survive the opponent's comeback. This time, however, they didn't survive it. Super Bowl line should be interesting.

As for the NE-Baltimore game, I thought NE would win, but I didn't think they'd win by much. Instead, they got hammered. That was an easy win for me, as I had Baltimore +9. Heat found out what happened when you go against Meat - you just don't get that protein that you need. He loses 25 fake dollars and shows once again that he cannot be trusted with your fake money.

Oh, and hockey's back! So let's start betting on that shit.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Why I Don't Care That Lance Armstrong Cheated at Bikes

Hmmmm I feel like riding bikes but my ball hurts and I'm wearing a suit

Lance Armstrong has just been confirmed as possibly the world's largest, skeleton-y Sheryl Crow-banging bag of douche. Big fuckin' whoop. And he cheated at riding bikes. The horror! We've been led astray by a cheating fraud! Oh no! Wait...Meat...why don't you care? Why don't you care that Ol' Single Ballt Scotch up there cheated his way to the pinnacle of riding bikes? That he took all kinds of illegal horse steroids that allowed him to ride bikes better than anyone in the history of Ray Lewis's green Earth? Don't you have any moral character? Don't you have any sense of decency?

I don't know. I think I do. Do you want to know why I really, truly don't give the slightest ass?


I don't. Riding bikes is fuckin' retarded. Ohhhh you're the fastest on a bike! Great, I type a lot of words per minute. Why don't you dicks wear bracelets to fight lupus on the strength of my typing? It's not that much less stupid than riding bikes. First off, if I type things, people with eyes can read them, no many how many balls they do or do not possess. Secondly, if I type something that needed to be typed then no one else has to do it and they can spend their time doing something else productive like curing lupus themselves or maybe like, doing business and making business stuff happen. NOBODY ENJOYED THOSE BENEFITS BECAUSE LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS GOOD AT RIDING BIKES. Nobody. Wooo, you rode a bike through the French Alps faster than some other sinewy French cocksucker could. You pedaled bikes really fast up hills. Unless I had a kid that lived on top of that Alp that you were delivering a bike to so that my made-up kid could enjoy riding bikes for a few months, THEN I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE DROP OF LEADER-Y CUM DRIPPING FROM MANTI T'EO'S HAND AFTER HE BEATS IT TO SOME FAKE GIRL ON SKYPE. I don't give a fucking milliliter of that cum.

Lance Armstrong cheated at bikes. But worse, he's a dickhead, too! Whatevs. We've known that for years. Michael Jordan was a dickhead. "But Meat, isn't throwing balls through circles just as stupid when you get down to it as riding bikes through France?".No. I don't know why but it isn't. Here's how much of a shit I am incapable of giving about riding bikes:

I write a blog about placing fake bets on football games and occasional $5 bets on first quarter NBA unders with my pal Heat. Our real names aren't Heat and Meat. We are probably going to bet on WNBA games and have a mock WNBA draft. Heat wanted to know the odds for our young kickball teammate to have a fucking heart attack at the age of 30 before a girl also on our team completes a degree in something that could help save you from heart attacks or something. He wrote a blog post about it. He wrote about a Peen State coach (misspelling intentional) who raped kids in showers and wanted to know my opinion on a subsequent kid rapey lawsuit. I gave my detailed opinion that I formulated methodically over the course of months. I PUT ACTUAL EFFORT INTO ALL OF THIS STUPID SHIT INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A MILLIFUCK ABOUT RIDING BIKES. That's where riding bikes is on my spectrum and why I don't care about Lance at all.

So good for him for leading a strong, single-balled crusade against balls cancer and bad for him for being a calculating, narcissistic, 78-pound douchebag with great steroidy endurance at riding bikes. I don't care. If his cheaty charity ends up saving me from the balls cancer that I'll probably develop at some point, great for him. I won't care if he truly cared about fighting cancer and wanted to save lives and balls. I won't care if he only did it because he's so narcissistic and wanted everybody with balls cancer to know that they owe their entire existence to Lance Armstrong riding bikes. I won't care if no one ever rides bikes as good as Lance Armstrong did. I don't feel more patriotic because Lance Armstrong rode the shit out of some bikes. I won't be all like "hey French queers, you guys suck and America is awesome because Lance Armstrong rode bikes all over your stupid asses". I won't care if French queers are like "ahhhh Meat, you know Lance Armstrong was on ze steroids when he rode ze bikes ahhhhh Viva France! Je suis the best at bikes!". I don't care. I don't care that you were all on steroids. I don't care that Lance Armstrong was the best. I don't care that he fucked over everyone associated with him. I just don't care about Lance Armstrong at all, because I don't care about riding bikes.

Now let's look at the Minnesota Lynx's 2013 schedule.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Conference Championship Picks

Colin Kaepernick has the instruction manual to a Samsung flatscreen tattooed on his arm.

Alright, only two more weeks of NFL action left before we have to bet on hockey, basketball and WNBA games. So let's get right to it.

Don't forget those piping hot Ultra Kickball predictions. Yeah Sedlak, we're taking over this year. Your little casino can suck it.


Yinz know I'm gonna ride that SF pain train into Atlanta. Atlanta sucks in the postseason. In the regular season. And last week, they put together a solid first half before almost Atlanta-ing the game away in historic fashion. I'm supposed to back that over the Kaepernick Express? Giving only 4? I had thought that this game would be close to a double-digit spread and as such, I'm all over SF here. Kaep may not run for 183 again, but he won't need to with Matt Ryan and the Strugglecity Falcons trying to score points on Patrick Willis and co.

That red marker hanging from Harbaugh's neck must be the pen used to sign the contract with the Devil. I punched my ticket on the SF train a while ago. It makes being a Raiders fan even more difficult seeing the crimson and gold queers of the North Bay dominate.  Atlanta's luck will run out in the second half again. 

Meat's Pick: SF -4, $25
Heat's Pick: SF -4, $25


Kind of the opposite of the above. I don't expect Baltimore to put it together again and get a Manning out of Brady. But I do expect them to lose by less than 9. Could I see Baltimore actually winning? Well, they beat New England earlier in this year, they played them tough last year in the AFCCG and came a Lee Evans drop from the Super Bowl, so...yeah. I can see them beating a Patriots team that really is only still good because Tom Brady is still alive. So I'll ride with Baltimore. COME ON RAVENS, LOSE BY 6!!!

I'm gonna have to go against Meat, which is not something anyone likes to do. While watching the game last week I remember asking, "Is NE really that good?". Unfortunately, they are. I hate betting against a spread, but I think NE can cover even without Gronk.  

Meat's Pick: Baltimore +9, $25
Heat's Pick: NE -9, $25

So there you have it. Get out that fake money and place your fake bets. Tonight or tomorrow night, Meat and I will play with these teams on Madden 2013 (which sucks without a fantasy draft). Depending on who wins in that simulation, might change my picks.

Cardiovascular Roulette

Normally we only post about team sports and athletic related issues, but while trading emails with a fellow gentleman, an interesting topic arose.

While discussing signing up for a local kickball team, it was brought to my attention that my friend would not be able to play this season due to night classes he will be taking in the hopes to begin teaching for some extra "walking around" money.  Being the captain that I am, I criticized his priorities along with his live in girlfriend and their small mutt. He in turned informed me that his girl, let's call her Nikki Pye, would soon be a nurse and finished with her schooling. She would accomplish this just in time to save a fellow acquaintance  let's call him Matt Bergantzel, from a foreseeable heart attack bound to happen within the next 1.5 years.

This lead me to think what the odds might be of this happening.

Matt Bergantzel background: Oregon born and raised. Moved to FL to play soccer for Nova. Tore his knee but met a great group of party people. Is banned for life from an Iowa casino for stealing a Boyz to Men poster. Has done many other unprintable acts. But most importantly, treats his body like a Checkers waste site. Wine and pizza are daily staples in his diet. 

So, what are the chances of a heart attack striking within the next 1.5 years. I am terrible at predicting odds, as can be seen in early football posts. But whatever the numbers, I want the under. 

Meat? Anonymous viewers? Feel free to chime in.


A heart attack for a 30 year old Chernobyl of a human? In the next 1.5 years? Somewhat athletic? Like occasionally plays kickball games? Loves Boyz II Men?

Well, this is a tough one. Obviously, he fits the mold physically. But...heart attacks rarely happen to people this young except in extreme cases. Like, 700 lb Heart Attack Grill spokesman cases.

So, I'd say odds are probably multiple thousands to one. Like 10,000:1. If even. But...sportsbooks don't give you odds like that. For example, you can get the Astros to win the World Series at 200:1. The odds are probably closer to 2,000,000:1. I think you could simulate the 2013 MLB season 2 million times and never get an Astros victory. So, for the sake of this drill, I'd imagine you couldn't get odds better than 500:1. So, my odds to you, Heat, are +50,000. Take it or leave it!

Divisional Round recap

Above is Ray Lewis giving his no weapon formed against me shall prosper speech, which we learned 10 or so years ago is absolutely correct. So, basically, Ray-Ray thinks that God hates Denver and purposely moved that safety out of position.

And God/Ray-Ray also spited Heat and I last week, spoiling our one mutual pick. I thought Denver would roll Baltimore, and that Peyton's chokiness would not come into play. Lo and behold, after halftime, the Peyster was missing open dudes left and right. He was spraying wildly like Peyton North.

Outside of that, I hit Seattle and New England while Heat got SF. So I'm even and Heat loses 50 fake dollars. Take that, Heat! Why does betting suck? Because I was clearly wrong about Atlanta. And Heat was clearly right about that game. And, thanks to a late collapse, I got it right. Even though I got it wrong. It's all about them fake Grants, dog.

Alright, onto the Conference Championship games, where I will make you RICH AS FUCK, SON!

Thursday, January 10, 2013


I clearly stole that image from somewhere ( Suck me if you actually care.

I will do my best to write more, but I don't think I'll have the time and I'm technically not allowed to use internet at work.

On to the lines, from


Man. More of this giant lines. Ok...just looking at this, I like Denver. I hate Baltimore this year and last week didn't really do much to sway me otherwise. Denver, on the other hand, has been mowing people down throughout the second half of the season. There is one thing, and ONLY one thing, that gives me pause, and that's the potential presence of BAD PLAYOFF PEYTON MANNING (ghost noises and echos and stuff).

But....I'm not expecting him this game. Maybe not this year. Old Peyton didn't have a team as good all-around as Denver is since...well, maybe ever. Plus, these early round games against a team that is severely over-matched are where we get those patented Playoff Manning blowouts before a collapse the following week against the Patriots (he also did it against the Ravens in their Super Bowl year, but the Colts managed to hang on and win thanks to some penalties and the Ravens going full-Raven). So...maybe next week.

But not this one. Denver rolls.

And the Denver rollsssss....the lightning strikes. Ravens loseee by thirtyyyyyy

Meat's Pick: Denver -10, $25 ($25 on every bet this week for Meat)
Heat's Pick: Denver -10, $25


As easy as the previous game was to rationalize in my head, this one is as difficult. I don't know who to go with here.

If I don't know, do I go with the team getting three? Does it matter that San Francisco has been kind of spotty lately? Orrrrr that they are at home and relatively easily beat Green Bay in Wisconsin earlier in the year? Or does their young QB hit a bit of a wall, like he may have been showing in past weeks?

I have no idea. What I do know is that, in pick 'ems, I've been picking Green Bay to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl this year against Denver. So, if I think that, why wouldn't I take them when they are actually getting points? Answer: there's no reason for me not to take them. Green Bay it is. I'll take the relative consistency they've shown outside of that beatdown in New Jersey against whatever the fuck we may end up getting from San Francisco. And, I know it's in the Bay Area, but Green Bay's players hate playing in the cold as much as everyone else. They are probably happy to go out to San Francisco.

Meat's Pick: Green Bay +3, $25
Meat's Pick: SF -3, $25


Well, Seattle started slowly last week, but I hate Atlanta. I'm surprised that Seattle is actually getting 2.5 here. I thought everybody hated Atlanta.

Seattle has, for the most part, been wrecking teams. Atlanta has been scraping by all year against the worst schedule in the league, on the strength of their turnover machine of a defense. The star-studded Atlanta offense has faltered for much of the year. Now throw in ol' playoff Matty Ryan? This could be a blowout.

I don't care if Seattle is "bad on the road". They lost those games early in the year. And, Atlanta has no home field advantage. Look at their home games. Oakland almost beat them there. Arizona jumped on them there and only lost because Dora the Explorer is their QB. Drew Brees threw 5 picks and was in the game until the end. Tampa Bay just wrecked them in their own home. There is no dome-field advantage in Atlanta. None. And there never has been. Give me the better team AND the points. Just as in the above scenario, I picked Seattle to win this game straight-up when the playoffs started. Why change now?

 Meat's Pick: Seattle +2.5, $25
Heat's Pick: Atlanta -2.5, $25


Same as the first game, although not as pronounced. I don't like Houston anymore. They started out on fire but then Cushing went down in that blowout loss to Green Bay and the bottom fell out of that defense. Combine that with an offense that has shit out of it's dick for much of the season and Matt Schaub having taken a step or two back, and I can't see them winning a playoff game in New England. They have a nice O-Line but that don't mean ish if Schaub is throwing 4 yard curls on 3rd and 12.

Houston had a chance to win me back last week, and then they went and did that. The defense looked nice but....every defense has looked nice against Cincinnati recently. The offense looked terrible, though. They kept the Bengals in that game. I know the Bengals have a stout defense, wasn't all them. Schaubbers was throwing some bad passes at some bad reads and settling for bad field goals and generally continuing to be bad. You think that's going to get it done against a Patriots team that has a healthy Gronk back and generally puts 30+ on everyone? My fake money says no.

Meat's Pick: New England -9.5, $25
Heat's Pick: Houston +9.5, $25

Wild Card Round RECAP

Long story short, Heat and I each went 2-2. We both hit on Houston and both lost on Indy. He took Green Bay and I took Seattle in the others.

I didn't know until Saturday afternoon that I was betting on JOE MOTHERFUCKING WEBB to lead my team to victory a loss of 7 points or less, and I don't think Wrench realized that the 'Skins would jump all over Seattle 14-0, only to leave a hobbling Bob Griffin Trips in to lose the lead and then eventually lose the majority of his functional right knee cartilage. Mike Shanahan has kind of sucked since '99 but he always got a free pass. Now after leaving the franchise in to get torn like a ballerina's hymen, we'll see what happens.

Anyway, we each lost 50 fake dollars on Indianapolis and only bet 25 fake dollars on the others, leaving us both down 25 fake dollars. Looks like I'm not going to be able to buy any fake things this week. Maybe a fake hooker to fake an orgasm.

Meat: 2-2, -$25
Heat: 2-2, -$25

Luck didn't play well, but he picked it up at the end and they looked like they would cover until Donnie Avery decided that he was having NONE OF IT. Dick.

Alright, time to cum all over next week's lines.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

ROLL TIDE. Title #15 and Counting

Although I'm born and raised in the "Yay Area" of California, and cheer for UNC and Stanford, I have become a Tide fan within the past 8 years. I had the opportunity to visit Tuscaloosa for a home game against Tennessee the year that Bama won their 13th title. Coming from a small D-3 school, the college game day experience instantly made my dick hard. I loved the pageantry, the sorority girls, and the tailgating in the days before and following the game.

Since then, I've followed Alabama football more so than any other college team. It seems to be my luck that they have been dominate since that year, sending teams to championships and countless number of players to the NFL. When it was announced that the Tide would be playing Notre Dame in the BCS National Championship Game, I laughed. I don't have a vast knowledge of football in general, but from what I saw this season I knew that ND was overrated and downright outmatched in this game. Manti Te'o may have won every possible award this season, but hurt more than his team in the final game. His draft stock has to plummet after he failed to even make a tackle in the first half. His performance was comedic, as he floundered around the field chasing Lacy and Yeldon.

Te'o ended with 10 tackles, 3 of them solo efforts, but missed more key take downs in crucial situations. The ND defense couldn't keep up with Alabama as they ran right at Te'o and had their way with the defensive line. This win solidified Saban's legacy as one of the greatest college coaches ever. He is now 4-0 in National Championship games, and based on their returning players and projected recruiting class.

Even though, McCarron wasn't the star of the game, it looks like his girlfriend Katherine Webb was sending him a message of what she'd do after they won the game.

Friday, January 4, 2013


Uh oh sons, it's playoff time!

If you were faithfully following either Heat or Meat this regular season, you made money. So why not get on these hot, spicy playoff picks? Guaranteed to make you pre-cum. So be careful at work.

Lines come from as ushe.


Guh. This is a tough one. May actually be the toughest call of the week for me. Cincinnati is still Cincinnati, but the past few weeks can't be ignored. Houston, on the other hand, has sucked whale cock for the past couple of weeks with a bye week on the line. So which Houston team are we going to get?

If it's the early Houston team, they wreck Cincinnati. For all of their awesomeness in the win against Pittsburgh, they basically scored 3 offensive points against a team that had been struggling mightily. Houston, when they aren't sucking on said delicious whale cock, has a great defense. Well...had a great defense. I guess that's the problem. Will these Lone Star retards show up or are they going to end the season with a Vick's dog-ish whimper?

Gun to my head I have to bet against playoff Bengals.

This game will come down to the running attack. Both teams have similar pass offenses and pass defenses. It will be interesting to see if the Texans continue to nosedive their way through the playoffs. Their play has been abysmal lately.  The Tiger's running game lacks the excitement and reliability that the Texans have with the best NFL commercial actor this season in Arian Foster. JJ Watt and the front D line of the Texans will be too much for the slangin ginger.

MEAT'S PICK: Houston -4.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Houston -4.5, $25 Prediction: Houston 27-17


Minnesota is better than people think, and Green Bay is not as good as people think. A touchdown and a half point is just too much here in my opinion.

It's probably going to be about 4 degrees, snowy and windy enough to make Rodgers look like Ponder and Ponder look like Stephen Hawking. So it could be hard enough to manage 7.5 total points.

After week 2 Meat was telling me how Clay Matthews always goes ape shit and sacks everything in sight during the first couple of games of the season but then fades. Once again, the beefy one was right. I predict that AP will run for 300 yards and Ponder will be shaking so much that his passes will be worse than usual.

On the other side, Minnesota should drop 10 guys into coverage and force Rodgers to hand the ball off. This season he's looked more like Farve, forcing balls into tighter spaces than a Sandusky slumber party.  It is a large spread, but I'm gonna go with the home field advantage. GO PACK GO.

MEAT'S PICK: Minnesota +7.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: GB -7.5, $25   Prediction: GB 35-27


There really aren't that many elite teams this year. I would probably take Minnesota over either of these teams. People think that Indianapolis is killing it because Luck has singlehandedly lead them to an 11-5 record by scoring 20 points every week while also playing great special teams and defense, while people also think that Baltimore is awesome because they are Baltimore and Ray Lewis dances around and Flacco says he's elite and Torrie Smith caught three TDs in a half once.

Well...Luck may be looked at way too fondly for what he's done but he's still capable of throwing some elite passes when he needs to, which you just cannot say of Joe Flacco. Flaccs is just mediocre these days. It's like he's stuck in a Sanchez. He's not mired as deeply in a Sanchez as Mark Sanchez is, but he's in a Sanchez nonetheless. On top of that, Baltimore's defense just ain't that great anymore. I think Indianapolis may be about a coin-flip to win this game provided Ray Rice doesn't run for 500 yards. So seven points? Wayyyyyy too much. I'll probably put real money on this one.

Meat still isn't impressed or convinced by Luck's performance this season. I on the other hand have been on this Luck train since Stanford. The two times I've bet against him, he's punished me with his sweet late game heroics. I learned my lesson. Just like I learned not to bet on Detroit. Indy does have a young team, and a creepy owner (see photo below), but I am bought into what they're doing.

I agree with Meat's assessment of the Ravens team as a whole. Flacco is no where near elite, the defense is just plain old, and they don't feed Ray Rice enough. The only thing I look forward to from the Ravens is seeing Ray Lewis do an extended dance one last time before the game and hopefully tearing his peck whilst bogeying.

MEAT'S PICK: Indianapolis, + 7 $50
HEAT'S PICK: Indy, +7 $50    Prediction: Indy 24-13

Might as well make this one SSSSSIZZZZZZZZZLLLLLEEEE


I am not getting burned again by Seattle. They are just killing it right now and I think they will be too much for Bob Griffin and the Redskins.

Plus, Brandon Browner comes back to an already sizzling defense. They are going to sizzle RGIII's pubes right off. They'll call him SingeBob after this game. It's going to smell like charred pubes throughout the Raljon area.

Big Bert has completely won my heart and kept me in my fantasy league this year. He's the real deal and I pray he never gets hurt. The skins look good with their rookies that ESPN won't shut up about. Yes, we all know Morris went to FAU (Find Another University), it's awesome that he's done so well. Get over it.

Seahawks have been steamrolling good teams, and have had scoring orgasms to end the season. Without the 12th man to help the sexiest uniforms in the league, I don't think their scoring ways will continue in the post season. It will be interesting to watch.

MEAT'S PICK: Seattle -3, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Washington +3, $25    Prediction: 42-35

Look for Russell Wilson to join Rex Ryan on the beach after this game. Maybe they'll get matching Sanchez tattoos!!

So yeah, I'm betting on a lot of road teams never know in the playoffs. Mad crazy ish happens in January, yo. And I love betting against big spreads in playoff games.

So let's go, my picks!
Fuck that! Let's go, Heat's picks!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Week 16 recap

Once again my sizzler fizzled, but I think the rest is looking good. Let's recap.

By the way, I'm 24-33 at -$25 YTD and Meat is 11-5.


Meat's Pick: San Francisco, $50 sizzler
Heat's Pick: SF, $25

What really happened: The opposite of what I thought would happen...Seattle continued to roll over teams and just stormfucked the shit out of San Francisco. Going to be interesting this week as they are road favorites over Washington.

Meat Week-to-Date: 0-1, -$50
Heat WTD: 0-1, -$25


Meat's Pick: Atlanta, $25
Heat's Pick: Atlanta, $25

What really happened: Just what everyone expected to happen - the Lions came out and mistaked and turnovered their way to a loss. The way I described this in my write-up, I'm surprised I didn't make it sizzle. Detroit is the worst.

Meat WTD:1-1, -$25
Heat WTD: 1-1, $0


Meat's Pick: Tenn, $0
Heat's Pick: Tenn, $0

What really happened: Green Bay covered. And then some. I don't like to put money on games like this because at some point it becomes less of a "hey what team is better than what team" and more of a "will the obviously superior team care enough to win by 2 TDs?".

Meat WTD: 1-2, -$25
Heat WTD: 1-2, $0


Meat's Pick: Carolina, $0
Heat's Pick: Oakland, $0

What really happened: Finally, a difference in picks! Heat went with his heart and took his team. I took Carolina because they should stomp Oakland every time, but I didn't bet anything because I knew that Carolina rarely does what it should do. This time they did, beating Oakland by 11.

Meat WTD: 2-2, -$25
Heat WTD: 1-3, $0


Meat's Pick: Miami, $25
Heat's Pick: Miami, $0

What really happened: A bad team beat another bad team by 14 at home. Fin. (that's "feen", like as in finished in Spanish, not "fin", as in what Miami fans actually use in cheers about their sea-queer team).

Meat WTD: 3-2, $0
Heat WTD: 2-3, $0


Meat's Pick: Pitt, $0
Heat's Pick: Cincy, $25

What really happened: In the battle of awful, awful coaching, Cincinnati made enough plays to pull out a boring win. The points where just gravy.

Meat WTD: 3-3, $0

Heat WTD: 3-3, $0
EDIT: I gave Heat a $0 for this when he should have had $25. So I'm going to add $25 to his final score.


Meat's Pick: NE, $0
Heat's Pick: Jax, $0

What really happened: New England appeared to not give the slightest fuck, because Jax is that bad. And Jax almost won the damn game. I hate big spreads, hate hate hate.

Meat WTD: 3-4, $0
Heat WTD: 4-3, $0


Meat's Pick: Indy, $25
Heat's Pick: Indy, $25

What really happened: The Colts continued to be one of the most underwhelming good teams with the most underwhelming awesomest QB ever, but it was enough to cover by a half point over a KC team that was sleepwalking through the rest of the year. If no one on the Chiefs kills themselves the day before the game, you can bet they'll come out looking uninspired.

The Colts will probably even win in Baltimore this week, setting up one of the easiest bets ever in the week to follow when Peyton unveils his usual playoff magi....oh. Fuck.

Meat WTD:4-4, $25
Heat WTD: 5-3, $25


Meat's Pick: NO, $25
Heat's Pick: NO, $25

What really happened: Well, I thought this one was easy money, and it looked like it for awhile, but Dallas came back at the end to force overtime. However, NO cruised down the field like a young George Michael and kicked the game winner in OT.

Meat WTD: 5-4, $50
Heat WTD: 6-3, $50


Meat's Pick: Wash, $25
Heat's Pick: Wash, $25

What really happened: Washington won a boring game by 7. I expected more from them, but my wallet doesn't really care how much a team covers by in the end.

Meat WTD: 6-4, $75
Heat WTD: 7-3, $75


Meat's Pick: St. L, $25
Heat's Pick: TB, $0

What really happened: The Tampa Bay annual late-season nosedive proved that it lives again! However, the next week they actually got it together and won a meaningless game that cost me about $155 in a Pick Seven poll. So f them. 

Meat WTD: 7-4, $100
Heat WTD: 7-4, $75


Meat's Pick: Baltimore, $25
Heat's Pick: NYG, $25

What really happened: NYG continued to suck, and Baltimore got that one win in their final four that they were so desperately searching for. This decrepit team actually won the AFC North and will probably lose to Luck and the shoddy Colts next week. Even with Ray-Ray!!!!

Meat WTD: 8-4, $125
Heat WTD: 7-5, $50


Meat's Pick: Minn, $25
Heat's Pick: Hou, $0

What really happened: Minnesota easily won a big game for Houston, in Houston. Houston is nosediving into the playoffs. But they get the Bengals. Man. I'll have to think about that one pretty hard whenever I do my playoff bets.

Meat WTD: 9-4, $150
Heat WTD: 7-6, $50


Meat's Pick: Den, $25
Heat's Pick: Den, $25

What really happened: I hate the giant spreads and only took this for fake money because it was the last one on the list and I was tired of punting. And, lo and behold, Denver came out and worked the Browns like they should. 

Meat WTD: 10-4, $175
Heat WTD: 8-6, $75


Meat's Pick: Chi, $25
Heat's Pick: Chi, $25

What really happened: Bears came out and took advantage of a Cardinals team that just cannot find a way to score. Mainly because Ted DiBiase is probably starting at QB for them by now.

Meat WTD: 11-4, $200
Heat WTD: 9-6, $100


Meat's Pick: SD, $25
Heat's Pick: SD, $25

What really happened: NYJ actually played ok for a bit but, somewhere in the second half they became the Jets again, and Phil Rivers somehow managed to lead his team to victory.

Meat WTD: 12-4, $225
Heat WTD: 10-6, $125

MEAT YTD: 36-37, +$200
HEAT YTD: 21-11, +$125 +$25 for Cincy error = +$150

Well look at that! After a horrid start I managed to come back and finish way up in the dollar column and almost broke even straight up. Heat is way over .500 in his last two weeks.

So, basically, if you read all of our posts and bet accordingly, you'd be up pretty good right now no matter who you followed. What more can you ask for from a free blog???

Hey Meat!

I'm curious to know your opinion on what's going on with Penn State right now. I don't want to force you into writing a post, but you are a fan and usually provide an educated take on the issue. had an interesting take.


I think the NCAA reacted way too harshly and their punishments to PSU had a lot of collateral damage to people who had no idea what was going on there. This was three or four people (and Sandusky is NOT one of them, they got punished for the cover up, not the rapes) acting like they were above the fray and ruining it for everybody. If Penn State had a bad year, they may have killed the program for all intents and purposes. Still time to do that if it costs them O'Brien or recruiting suffers too much. So I'm for the suit as a fan of the team. I think the NCAA got their message across already and doesn't need to potentially kill PSU as a major football-money making-big name-whatever institution.

However, it IS a football issue. I was originally in the "oh it's a criminal thing" boat but, it was covered up to protect the football program. It was ALL about protecting the program and its integrity and prestige by covering this up and it just made it worse and worse and worse. And the NCAA has to act in a way that deters that from happening in future instances. If Sandusky were fucking kids directly in the ear but Paterno, Curley et. al. allowed it to be reported and allowed a police investigation, it becomes a big story that lasts a month and Joe Paterno comes out with a great image as a guy who put kids first and cleaned up his school and yada yada. It was a hubristic (that's not a word but I want it to be in this instance) decision on their part and it just spiraled this thing out of control.

Soooo, in the end, I think they got their point across and they should make a deal with PSU to cut this four year thing down to two, making next year the last year of the crippling sanctions. It wasn't the same as SMU paying recruits in that it added talent to the football team in an illegal manner, but it was done with the intention of keeping talent from leaving for a less-rapey school, so in the end, yeah, it was all done with the idea of making the football team better. Just in a more roundabout way.

So sue away, I hate the NCAA, but don't act like it's not a football issue and that the NCAA can't sanction a team on those grounds.