Friday, November 22, 2013

WOOO FOOTBALL WEEK 12

Image is second result for search of "football yeah". No idea who it belongs to. Good for them.

I'm down $25 and have lost motivation to write for some reason. Weirdly lethargic. I need adderall.

Anyway, here's my bets this week:



6.5 POINT TEASER: Detroit -2.5 over Tampa and Denver/NE OVER 47.5, -120

I think Tampa could win this game, but I do think Detroit will. So I'm going to take Tampa straight up to cover 9 points, but at 2.5? Basically hedging my bets with a large possibility to 'middle' this one. I think Denver/NE over 47.5 is basically automatic. They gon' be flingin' it.




STEELERS +1.0 @ CLEVELAND, -110

I think the Steelers win. Cleveland's defense is awesome but, one great CB isn't going to shut down the Steelers offense like it does the Cowboys or Lions of the world, as even though Antonio Brown is clearly their best WR, no one receiving threat makes this sad offense go. That and Cleveland's offensive showing last week suggests to me that with minimal pick-sixes, Pittsburgh should win this one and keep alive their hopes at getting blown out in the wild card round.



BEARS +1.0 @ ST. LOUIS -105

Same as above - I think the slight road dog wins. St. Louis has looked capable like, two or three times this season. They are coming off of a bye, sure, but I still think they are better at losing than they are at winning. Chicago has been surprisingly competent with Josh McCown and he's facing Kellen Clemens soooo just bet on it. Don't actually watch it.



6-POINT TEASER: DALLAS +8.5 @ NYG, OVER 40.5, -110

Not sure why I teased this, as I think Dallas will win straight up. NYG has put together the least-impressive four game winning streak I've ever seen...seriously, struggle to win v. Minnesota, 15-7 win v. Eagles and Matt Barkley/crippled Vick, struggle haaaard to win at home v. Oakland, and then a win over Scott Tolzein and co. The Cowboys are like the only healthy, decent quarterbacked team they've faced in a month. I guess I figured that over 40.5 is a lock as it will rain fumbles and pick-sixes, but get on Dallas in this one.




SAN DIEGO +5.5 @ KANSAS CITY, -110

I think the Chargers "surprise" the world and beat KC straight up. San Diego is basically the second decent team they'll face to this point in the season that actually has a healthy QB. I don't think KC is that good so I'll take the points.




TAMPA BAY +9.0 @ DETROIT, -110

I also think the Bucs have a good shot here. And Detroit always lets me down. And this week they are the consensus survivor favorite, meaning they WILL fuck you if you pick them. Bucs should at least keep this one within a TD. Detroit hasn't actually beaten anybody by 7+ all season.


Let's get it.








Thursday, November 21, 2013

Stuck in a rut



Damn it, I suck now. 


INDY -3 OVER TENNESSEE (@ TENN) -115


Push.




6-POINT TEASER: NE +8.5 @ CAR and OVER 40.0 -110

Up $9! You're looking at one guy who couldn't give a fuck less about "the call". 




6-POINT TEASER: GREEN BAY +11 @ NYG and CINCINNATI +0.5 over CLEVE -110


Really appreciate that late pick-6, Tolzein. Good job, my man. 




6.5 POINT TEASER: AZ -0.5 @ JAX and DENVER -2.0 v. KC -120


Easy. +$7.




6.5 POINT TEASER: INDY +3.5 and DETROIT +5 @ PITT -120


The Steelers pulling away late on the strength of Jim Schartz'z insane fake field goal call does me in, but I can't complain. Thanks for the gift, Jim! -$3.


And finally, a loss on the big teaser.


AZ -0.5 @ JAX
INDY +3.5 @ TENN
DET +5.0 @ PITT
GB +11.5 @ NYG
GB/NYG OVER 35.5


That leaves me at $-13 for the week and -$25 over the last two. Gotta pick it up this week. 







Thursday, November 14, 2013

Week 11's DRIPPING MOIST ACTION



Ok, I'm down $12 after last week. Let's get it back, $10 per bet, starting with:


INDY -3 OVER TENNESSEE (@ TENN) -115

$100 wins $187, if you bet real actual monies.

Indianapolis has one terrible game and a line that should almost be double digits is 3. This seems a pretty healthy game to at least push (it started at -3.5). Ryan Fitzpatrick is leading the charge for the Titans. Read that again. Ryan Fitzpatrick is at the helm.

Bet against Ryan Fitzpatrick.



6-POINT TEASER: NE +8.5 @ CAR and OVER 40.0 -110

I think New England wins this one straight-up, and I think a relatively healthy number of points will be scored (MNF teams seem to be flingin' it this year), so I'll certainly take NE and eight and a half and over a middling total of 40. Seems like one of those 27-24 types. My only fear is Bad Cam showing up and sabotaging everything.



6-POINT TEASER: GREEN BAY +11 @ NYG and CINCINNATI +0.5 over CLEVE -110

I'm liking the 6-point teasers as they have similar vigs to the straight up bets, and this one allows you to cross 10 off for GB and get the Bengals as a pick 'em in a game they should win. You can make a living at 60% hit rate on 6-point teasers (betting $100 and hitting 60% would leave you with $115). I think GB will easily keep it within 10 of the Eli Manning Pick-Six Express what with Tolzein actually practicing this week like he's going to play football, so I'm quite comfortable throwing them in with Cincy here. This is a huge game for the Bengals, at home, and they need to win it. As a Steeler fan, I hope they fuck it up, but I'm being pragmatic here.



6.5 POINT TEASER: AZ -0.5 @ JAX and DENVER -2.0 v. KC -120

Went with 6.5 instead of 6 so I could get AZ as a straight win. They should murder the Jags, that win they had last week was fluky as absolute fuck and while I have nightmares anytime I bet on Carson Palmer, I think this is a game they win like 95% of the time. It's my survivor pick this week, as Jaxmas has come and gone and I can now start backing Jags opponents. I wanted to tease this with Houston straight-up over Oakland, but the site wouldn't let me include that one in the teaser. As such, I'll throw Denver in because I think they'll win this going away. In hindsight, I should have thrown Denver into a 6 point teaser since the half-point is meaningless, but whatever.



6.5 POINT TEASER: INDY +3.5 and DETROIT +5 @ PITT -120

Do you see either of these teams losing by more than a field goal, if you see them losing period? I don't, give me my monayyyy!



This week's large teaser (5 team, 6.5 pt teaser, +350 odds) with all of my week 11 favorites and an over to tie it together:

AZ -0.5 @ JAX
INDY +3.5 @ TENN
DET +5.0 @ PITT
GB +11.5 @ NYG
GB/NYG OVER 35.5

Uh-oh. I have a lot riding on road teams.

Oh well, these saucy picks are guaranteed to pay big!








SON OF A...


Way to come back with a bang, Meat.

Was away all week, no bets on week 10. Week 9's results:

7-POINT TEASER: ATLANTA +14.5 and ATL/CAR OVER 37.0

Loss, ATL is a joke. - $10


ATLANTA +7.5 over CAROLINA

See above. -$20 cummulative 


7 POINT TEASER: NEW ENGLAND (+0) and PIT/NE OVER 37.0

Woo! A win! I'll round the payout up to $8. -$12


7 POINT TEASER: MIAMI +10 and BUFFALO +10.5 and CLEVELAND +10 and HOUSTON +10

Thank goodness for this one. Paid out at two to one, so I get $20 back. +$8



7 POINT TEASER: SEATTLE -10 and GREEN BAY -3.5

Both easy losses. -$2



U. of FLORIDA +2.5 over GEORGIA

Georgia by...fucking 3. -$12 for the week. Will be better today!


SEASON TOTAL: -$12

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

MEAT'S BACK IN THE HOUSE


Why the hell not? I still bet, I still have fingers, it's 5:30 so I don't want to work anymore today, why not get the old band back together? Jk, Heat ain't coming back.

Due to my extremely sexy betting success last year, I have more money in my account than when I started. So you know what? LET'S GET FUCKING WILD. Last year I bet $5 a bet because losing large bets sucks ass and small bets are still fun for me. But starting now...$10 A BET. Yeah, you fucking heard me. Ten dollars. I know that's an entire Hamilton, but when your picks are as dripping wet as mine are...you can afford it.

Oh, and now I just pretty much do 2-team teasers all day because they are fun. If you don't like it, you can suck Marty Mornhinweg's dick. I had to look up how to spell his stupid name.

Sure thing, Marty

Let's get down to biznasssss

7-POINT TEASER: ATLANTA +14.5 and ATL/CAR OVER 37.0

You gotta look for those football numbers - any spreads that are multiples of 3 or 7. Because that's what the fuck happens in most games, as most normal non-cocksucking teams score 3s or 7s. Or 0s in Jacksonville.

Now, Atlanta sucks shit-covered dildos, as most teams that acquire Steven Jackson tend to do (that guy is like the Winston Churchill of sucky football). Julio Jones's metal foot broke again, Roddy White's crippled ass finally sat down on the bench for a week, but...giving 7.5 to Carolina? I'd be pretty confident with Atlanta at +7.5, let alone +14.5. Carolina is too ehh offensively and it just seems that Atlanta always beats Carolina. Over 37 because I hate unders.


ATLANTA +7.5 over CAROLINA

Talked myself into it.


7 POINT TEASER: NEW ENGLAND (+0) and PIT/NE OVER 37.0

The Steelers officially blow, and for seven points, you can get New England to win straight up. There's almost no way these two teams don't put up 37, what with NE moving on the Steelers bend-but-then-break defense and Ben Roethlisberger coming alive in the second half for a storm of meaningless points, like a rising phoenix on colored-people time.

I give this 0 stars because I don't want to rate my stupid bets in stars anymore.


7 POINT TEASER: MIAMI +10 and BUFFALO +10.5 and CLEVELAND +10 and HOUSTON +10

Fuck it, home dog teaser. I can get them all for double-digits. I'm much more confident on the first two but, I mean, Houston still has the talent to keep it close with teams when Schaub isn't throwing pick-twelves and the Ravens kinda blow ass. Miami and Buffalo I think have decent shots to win straight up, as Alex Smith is the most mediocre NFL player in the entire league and Cincinnati plays more boring close games than 49-9 blowouts of a week ago. Don't put actual money on this one, I'm just getting stupid now.


One more football teaser:

7 POINT TEASER: SEATTLE -10 and GREEN BAY -3.5

These teams play Tampa Bay and Chicago at home, respectively. I think they both murder their opponent. I will bear witness to each murder.




U. of FLORIDA +2.5 over GEORGIA

This is Aaron Murray's chance to become the first Georgia QB since Shotgun McWhocares to beat UF three times in a row. This makes it somewhat of a big game for Georgia, I'd say. Georgia loses every single big game, always. You can make a lot of money by betting against Georgia. DO IT

I guess that's it for now, the rest of the college games are either irrelevant or have cartoon spreads. I think FSU pulverizes UM into snortable dust, but the 22.5 point spread gives me pause that they give up halfway through and give up a cheap cover.

Avoid the clap!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Heat and Meat MOCK NFL DRAFT UP IN THIS PIECE

Heat would lick this guy's balls

Mock draft time! You know this shit is gonna happen, GUARANTEED. You don't even have to watch the draft.


1. TRADE!

MIAMI DOLPHINS TRADE UP TO #1 - GIVING KC THEIR FIRST ROUNDER THIS YEAR, HANDJOBS FOR THE COACHING STAFF, AND LET'S SAY TWO 2NDS

MIAMI SELECTS LUKE JOECKEL, OT, TEXAS A&M

Ok. This shit makes sense. The top of this draft SUCKS. It sucks cock. There are three positions available - Tackle (Joeckel and Fisher), rush LB (Jordan/Ansah/Jones/etc), and DT (Floyd/Lotuleiti (sp?)).

The Chiefs have rush OLBs, kinda have a tackle, and lead the world in picking bust DLs early (haaaa Dontari Poe). Every mock drafter is giving them Joeckel, but why? Joeckel reminds me of Jake Long - going #1 because of the weak class. This is no Orlando Pace. Watch tape of Orlando Pace at OSU - he absolutely MAULED people. It was like he was Casey Anthony and the defensive linemen were his unwanted children. He was like the Waterboy out there. Neither Jake Long nor Joeckel were quite at that level. Ideally, the Chiefs would take a QB here but...they have the grand fortune of getting the top draft pick in the worst draft for QBs since Jim Druckenmiller went in the first round. So...

TRADE IT TO THE DOLPHINS!

Rumor says the Dolphins are interested in Joeckel and Eric Fisher. Neither will last until pick 12. It's a weak first round, so it would take too much to move all the way up. And the Dolphins would certainly do this. The Dolphins are comically bland, and they'd like to get even blander. So let's watch this paint dry, Miami. Fins up!



2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT DION JORDAN, OLB, OREGON

I'm not completely sold on Jordan, but he has the physical characteristics of beastliness and, let's face it, Jacksonville can take anybody at any position and upgrade. They are the only team more boring than Miami. They suck. Florida's teams are as exciting as its terrain. Watching a Jags/Jets game is like watching the live birth of trees. So they can do whatever they want here.

After picking Blaine Gabbert early two years ago, they would have presumably learned their lesson not to make the same mistake here. Take a guy like Jordan who many compare to Von Miller, suck ass again with Gabbert, and then take either Manziel or Teddy Bridgewater next year. Or hell, Jadaveon Clowney. Just don't blow it again on a QB. Knowing this team, they'll probably take Geno Smith. I think their recent lack of success picking high DL will cause them to shift away from Floyd and Lutoleitejhte. Let's just call him Star. That's a lot easier.


3. OAKLAND RAIDERS SELECT STAR LOTULELEI, DT, UTAH

Finally looked up this dude's name.

Ok, the Commitment to Excellence ended years ago, and was buried when the Raiders gave up two firsts and a second for the remains of Carson Palmer. But supposedly Reg McKenzie is bringing some sense to the team, and so I'm going to make a pick that I feel is sensible.

After finally releasing Tommie Kelly and his Al Davisian salary, the Raiders have a huge black hole at DT. And most mocks have them taking Sharrif Floyd. But...assuming it's not a 4-3 v. 3-4 thing...I like Lotulelei a lot more. I can't watch much on these dudes because I can't Youtube all day, but Lotulelei looks a lot more forceful and effective. I know he wasn't playing in the SE-fucking-C, where superstars everywhere else become mere backups, but he was throwing people around on the reg. Yeah they were highlight tapes but whatever. There's no 4.2 receiver here for the Raiders to cum all over (well...there is Tavon Austin...Al Davis probably would have picked him, fa rill)....so I think they'll replace Kelly with the beast NT.



4. EAGLES TRADE TO SOMEBODY

There's nothing here that makes sense for the Eagles, in my mind. At least not at 4. If the Chiefs use their first pick on Joeckel I could see the Fins trading up to this spot to take Eric Fisher. Anybody want Eric Fisher? Hmm.

EAGLES TRADE PICK TO ARIZONA FOR THEIR FIRST THIS YEAR, A ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO BRAZZERS.COM AND A 2ND AND 3RD

CARDINALS SELECT ERIC FISHER, OT, CENTRAL MICHIGAN

This actually, I think, makes a dickton of sense. Lane Johnson is this year's Riley Reiff. He'll fall, so I don't think AZ would take him 7th. They are also considering a trade for Brandon Albert of the Chiefs, which shows how desperate they are for an OT. This also allows me to keep Milliner at Detroit's spot.

Eric Fisher is a small-school guy, which people have theorized will keep him from going no. 1 overall. But here, I think he's fine. Fuck, this just makes too much sense. I'll bet everyone a 'scrip to Brazzers that it does. Jk. I'm a blacksonblondes guy, myself.


5. DETROIT LIONS SELECT DEE MILLINER, CB, ALABAMA

Ok, recent "rumors" are that Milliner's stock is falling and Detroit will go OT (if available) or Ansah instead. But, I said months ago that they go CB, so I'll stick with it. Milliner didn't look amazing when Tyler Eifert was catching go-routes on his face in the NCAA championship game, but Eifert's fuckin' good so I'm going to keep Milliner as the first CB off the board. The Lions need secondary help like Shawn Kemp needs a vasectomy, so I'm not going to panic and give them an LB or OT. They drafted Riley Reiff last year in the first...move him to LT, find a fill-in RT and thank the heavens that someone actually took Gosder Cherilus off of your hands.





6. CLEVELAND BROWNS SELECT TAVON AUSTIN, WR, WVU

My first real surprise pick. But it makes perfect sense.

The Browns are godawff on offense. There is no explosion. No splash plays. They barely displace any liquid at all, even after drafting Greased Pig Richardson 4th overall last year. So do they take a CB like Milliner if he falls? I don't think so. Do they take a QB? Not here. Do they take Ansah or a project like Mingo? I think that their defense, while not exciting, is much less of a concern than their offense. They basically just signed all of last year's Ravens. So let's look at that offense.

They have Greg Little and Josh Gordon on the outsides, and those dudes are ok, but...Austin is motherfucking electric. If he isn't a bust, he will charge the shit out of this offense. Their offense is like stagnant bathtub water, and he's like a plugged-in toaster. He should open everything up. He'll be catching balls 5 yards off the line, so even Brandon Weeden can hit him. I know he's little, but so are Welker and Amendola (ok...bad example), and neither of them are dead yet. A little WR, if used properly, can open everything up. I've seriously just convinced myself that this happens.



7. EAGLES (FROM ARIZONA) SELECT GENO SMITH, QB WVU

This was tough. I don't think the Eagles will select Smith at 4. But at 7? With some extra picks? I mean...maybe they will. You figure you have one more year out of Vick, and he may not even make it through that year. Or he may suck. Dennis Dixon is a backup. Smith is perfect for this offense. And he's CHEAP. Look at SF and Seattle...that's how you do it right now. When you don't have to pay big money to your QB, you can spend it elsewhere and bring in Anquan Boldin and Percy Harvin.

I read that the Eagle interest in Smith is real, but I don't buy it at 4. I can buy it a little bit more at 7. The Eagles may decide they want a QB who hasn't murdered entire piles of dogs, and Smith should at the least give them that.





8. BUFFALO BILLS SELECT CHANCE WARMACK, G, ALABAMA

I don't think they take a QB here, despite their repeated bluster to do so. If they do, I'd go Barkley, who locks down on receivers to the point that they develop Stockholm Syndrome. I can't see Nassib. Or Glennon. But I can see one of those two (or three) in the second round. Or Tyler Bray (haahaaaa, go ahead Buffalo, please draft him) in the third. But not first. Barkley or other position.

And I'll go other position. They are currently pencilling in a guy named David Snow to start at left guard. He was an undrafted FA who got waived and signed a lot. Chance Warmack is supposed to be an unstoppable force of beast. I was thinking Ansah here but...they signed Manny Lawson and have Nigel Bradham who I imagine they'd like to give a shot to and they still smell that Aaron Maybin stank sooooo I'm gonna go with the guard. This team pays both Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller to carry the load and it seems to make sense to put Warmack in front of them. I wouldn't be surprised with a big WR to pair across with Stevie Johnson, but that can probably wait until round 2 in this draft.




9. NY JETS SELECT EDDIE LACY, RB, ALABAMA

I'm mainly doing this because it's so Jets. The Jets would absolutely take a running back in the top 10, and they would think that it will relieve pressure on Sanchize, and they clearly remember employing Shonn Greene as their lead back.

Sanchize will still suck, and this almost certainly won't happen, but I'm going to mock it anyway because it's my world and yinz are just living in it.




10. TENNESSEE TITANS SELECT SHARIFF FLOYD, DT, FLORIDA

Who is Jurrell Casey? No idea. But I know who Shariff Floyd is, and I think he makes a lot of sense here. This team kinda sucks but is mediocre enough at every position that I can't find one that screams out "upgrade me!". Well...maybe DT and OLB. At least I recognize one of the OLB's names, so I'll slot Floyd in here. And he will lead the way to 8-8 City.




11. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS SELECT LANE JOHNSON, OT, OKLAHOMA

I thought Johnson would fall until I saw San Diego's depth chart. I was considering mocking Justin Hunter here, as they could use some firepower, but...holy fuck is their O-Line putrid. It's a joke. They should take OL in their first three picks. AJ Smith was the worst GM in history the way he let this team atrophy....they were good not that long ago. Bad FA signings and awful drafting have done them in. Now they might beat Vanderbilt in college overtime.



12. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS SELECT SHELDON RICHARDSON, DE/DT, MISSOURI

I'm not really sure where to go here. The Chiefs have good book-end OLBs and really need a 3-4 DE (maybe they might stay at the top and select Floyd or Lotulelei, like for reals), but what 3-4 DE is available?

(looks up 3-4 DEs available)

Sheldon Richardson! Sure, another early DE going to the Chiefs. Man they suck.



13. NY JETS SELECT JUSTIN HUNTER, WR, TENNESSEE

Gotta be consistent. If the Jets really try to fix the Sanchize problem by throwing weapons at it, and I believe they will, this makes a lot of sense. When Santonio Holmes went down last year, the receiver corps was completely barren. Stephen Hill isn't quite ready for prime time. Adding a guy like Hunter, who was considered a top-5 talent before a knee injury in 2011, with give Sanchez some more opportunities to badly miss open receivers. Then they'll cut Holmes and Sanchez next offseason and start completely from step one, with no rhyme or reason. GO JETS!



14. CAROLINA PANTHERS SELECT XAVIER RHODES, CB, FLORIDA STATE

Carolina's secondary is awful. I recognize two names, and they are Captain Munnerlyn and Ha-something Nakamuri. That's bad. Real bad.

Rhodes' stock is rising, and I think that the Panthers will go corner before they go safety. Just a hunch. That and I'm not high on Vaccaro.




15. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS SELECT JARVIS JONES, OLB, GEORGIA

Jones was at one point a consensus top-3 player. After a bad combine and everybody remembering that his spine may be irrevocably fucked up, he's dropped like a rock. But, he still lead the NCAA in sacks last year, and he still has better tape than Ansah and Mingo, and it's pretty clear that New Orleans needs a pass-rushing OLB, so I'll slot him here.




16. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT DEANDRE HOPKINS, WR, CLEMSON

I'm surprised Hopkins isn't talked about with the top WRs in this class, while Keenan Allen is. I think Keenan Allen is Koren Robinson's west-coast reincarnate. This pick, for me, comes down to Hopkins v. Patterson. Patterson may have a bit more flash, but I think St. L would go with Hopkins here. They need WRs, they haven't really had one for years AND they just let Amendola walk. The defense is sufficient enough that they can address OLB and safety later...I just don't see them passing on giving Bradford just one weapon to work with here to add Vaccaro.



17. PITTSBURGH STEELERS SELECT CORDARRELLE PATTERSON, WR, TENNESSEE

Well....this one was tough. If Hunter were still available I'd have him here (in the real draft, I'm going to be completely wrong, and he'll probably still actually be available). It's a toss-up for me between Eifert and Cordarrelle Patterson, and I think the Steelers will go with the receiver. Why? Because while Eifert is able to line up and play some WR, as he showed in the NCAA championship catching balls over Dee Milliner's head...I just can't see overreacting to Heath Miller's injury with a guy who may force his way into Heath Miller's job. I'd rather go with the WR here. That doesn't mean I don't think Eifert is a really, really good prospect. He's like Jeff Samardjiza on steroids. 'Cause they're both white dudes.

With Jason Worilds around, I don't see the Steelers going OLB here, no matter what all of the rumors say. Manny Sanders is probably gone, and if Antonio Brown doesn't take the next step, it's going to be hard to justify paying him almost $10 mil per year going forward. I think sticking somebody like Patterson onto the field will make it that much easier for Brown to elevate his game.




18. DALLAS COWBOYS SELECT DJ FLUKER, OT, ALABAMA


Fluker is a motherfucking mountain of a man who mauls the shit out of people. The Cowboys start Doug Free at tackle. Next question.



19. NY GIANTS

Hmm. They really need line help but Fluker and Warmack are gone. I don't think they reach for anyone else.

Their OLBs are awful, but all of the dudes left are 3-4 OLB/DE hybrids. I can't see Ansah here. Or Mingo.

Walterfootball has Bjoern Werner, who I don't really like, but I guess he makes some sense. Hold on a sec.

NY GIANTS SELECT BJOERN WERNER, DE/OLB, FLORIDA STATE

Bjoern Werner was highly rated at the start of the offseason - like top 5 highly rated. I didn't get it. He had double-digit sacks, but 6 or 7 of them came in the first two games against joke teams. I think he had less than 5 the rest of the way.

But, I read that he's smart and instinctive, and that he is German so he has a way to go as far as understanding the game, so he has some potential. I just don't like it. But I like it better than reaching for an OL prospect.




20. CHICAGO BEARS SELECT TYLER EIFERT, TE, NOTRE DAME

I just mentioned that I think Eifert is an excellent prospect, and the Bears need a tight end bad enough that they signed Matt Spaeth to a big free agent deal a few years ago. Big by Spaeth standards, at least. Sooooo that's pretty much the thought process on this one.




21. CINCINNATI BENGALS SELECT GIOVANNI BERNARD, RB, UNC

The Bengals could presumably go just about anywhere - I don't think they are that great, but they don't really have any holes in their roster. However, running back is probably one of the weaker spots. And they are in the AFC North, where yeah smashmouth, real men, running the ball, ahhhhhh and shit. So I hope they reach like Dhalsim for Giovanni Bernard, who is the top RB on a lot of boards, apparently.




22. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT EZEKIAL ANSAH, DE/OLB, BYU

Well, they still need an OLB. I didn't know they had another pick. Ansah is a 3-4 type OLB, but I need to get him off of my board and so fuck it, he can go to St. Louis and cum all over the arch for all I care.

I see Alec Ogletree consistently mocked to teams in this range as an ILB, St. Louis included. I don't see it. Watch his tape. He's completely lost on a football field - you may as well call him Kevin McAllister. I'd take Minter from LSU and probably even Te'o before I took a chance on Ogletree.



23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS SELECT KAWANN SHORT, DT, PURDUE

They need a DT. Kawann Short is a highly ranked DT. This is the point where I stop caring.




24. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT QB MATT BARKLEY

jk

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT DESMOND TRUFANT, CB, WASHINGTON

The Colts need defenders badly. Somehow they did ok on defense last season, but it ain't gonna last with this roster. This Trufant guy is rated highly, and Trufants out of Washington have done well in recent NFL history.



25. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - KEVIN MINTER, ILB, LSU

Forgot that Minnesota has the Harvin pick. I'd consider a WR here but you can get them later. They need to keep building the middle of that defense back-up, just like the old Vikings teams from 2009 and 2010 that were actually like, good. Minter is a beastly enough to go 1.26.




26. GREEN BAY PACKERS SELECT KENNY VACCARO, S, TEXAS

Green Bay had an awesome secondary a few years ago. That was a few years ago. Injuries and AIDS epidemics have hurt, so I imagine with the pickings available at this point, they'd inject some youth and supposed skill into it.




27. HOUSTON TEXANS SELECT ANY WIDE RECEIVER

They really need somebody across from Andre Johnson, who is no spring chicken himself.

HOW ABOUT KEENAN ALLEN, WR, CALIFORNIA

Fine. I hope they pick him, because I don't think he'll be that good.





28. DENVER BRONCOS SELECT BARKEVIOUS MINGO, DE/OLB

Why not? They just lost Dumervil, Mingo seems kind of like Dumervil, so you do the math.





29. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT JOHNATHAN COOPER, G, UNC

I read about this guy and people seem to think he's awesome. I doubt New England needs a guard, but why not go BPA? They really need a WR but I cannot see them reaching here for Robert Woods or whoever else may be available.




30. ATLANTA FALCONS  SELECT DJ HAYDEN, CB, HOUSTON

Have you read this dude's story? He almost died when a freak hit in practice caused his motherfucking aorta to rupture. Before that, he was considered as possibly the best CB in this draft. This is tremendous value for a team that needs a corner, assuming that Hayden's heart is all back together now.



31. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS SELECT MARGUS HUNT, DE, SMU

Supposedly they like this dude, and Justin Smith is pushing 50, and they have like no real needs, so it makes sense.                                   



32. BALTIMORE RAVENS SELECT DA'RICK ROGERS, WR, TENNESSEE TECH

Fucking finally.

Baltimore just let Boldin go, and I don't understand why. I think he made that offense go. Da'rick Rogers was at Tennessee before using weed or something and getting kicked off of their team. He's a very Boldin-type of receiver, so I think that if he doesn't use weed anymore he'll provide good value at the end of the first.

Ok bye

Friday, April 19, 2013

WHAT THE F YO

If I did that parlay yesterday, but accidentally picked the opposite on each one, I'd have won. Wow. What a day.

Thanks for Yovani Gallardo, now every pitcher in MLB will be getting DUIs. WHAT A PRECEDENT TO SET GALLARDO.

Taking some time off from betting, as I'm 15-10 now and inching ever closer back to .500. Can't have that shiz yo.

Should have an NFL mock up soon that is perfect and guaranteed to happen exactly as depicted. Stay safe, humans.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Stupid Cavs

The Cavs came out last night with all the energy of an Alabama Gay Pride festival, finding themselves down by 18 after the first quarter in Charlotte. They fought their way back in, but...just not enough. You don't want to get down 18 after one, it's one of Nancy Liebermann's "Golden Rules of Women's Basketball", and it applies to the men's game as well. Liebs was a visionary. Don't challenge her theories...you'll lose.

So, anyway, I'll get on that diamond tonight.


BET 1: GIANTS (M. Cain) @ BREWERS (Y. Gallardo), GIANTS -125

Bet $125 to win $100....sounds like some damn good odds when you've got Matt Cain on the hill against drunk Yovani Gallardo. Gallardo had sucked before his DUI, and hopefully, for karma and society's sake, he doesn't right the ship here. Seriously, pitchers are a very quirky, superstitious bunch...if Gallardo hurls a gem, and they start thinking that DUIs will fix whatever ails them on the mound, these weird motherfuckers will do it. Can't wait to see James McDonald pounding Bud Ices before tearing through the South Side, Alameda Ta'Amu style.


BET 2: PARLAY! (It's been awhile)

A: GIANTS -125, as above

B. TIGERS (Verlander) -170 over MARINERS (Asian Dude), and

C. WHITE SOX @ BLUE JAYS, OVER 7.5

Ok. A. I've explained. B. is Verlander and while a quick check shows Asian Guy has pitched well, I'll take my chances with the tower of power JV on the hill. And C. is a matchup of 2012 aces who have struggled in a hitters park and I think they'll get the 8 runs. This one pays out at +424. I'm thinking that three-way baseball parlays may be the way to go...parlays don't really give you much of a multiplier until you bring that third team in. We shalt see!

Alright, I'm 15-8. I need some wins tonight. Let's get it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Saved by the Rains

Well, I lost my bet on the Giants as the Zito bandwagon had a Zapruder event as soon as I got on it. And my Cards over Pirates bet was looking bad too, as the Bucs got out to an early 4-2 lead, only to have the game postponed due to rain. So it's like it never happened. Unfortch, I'd rather lose the bet and have the Buccos win. No more betting against them from Meat, I'll let Heat do that if anybody ever sees him.

So that drops me to 15-7. Still HALL OF FAME TERRIFIC AS SHIT, players. Let's get back to Meat's ol' winning ways.



BET 1: CLEVELAND CAVS @ CHARLOTTE - CLEVELAND +2.5

This is the only type of NBA game I'll bet on at this point - two teams who both are out of the playoffs and have nothing to lose.

Now, while both these teams suck, I think Cleveland sucks a whole lot less AND they have a motivated Kyrie Irving, who was just knocked in the media for playing with a "fuck it"-itiveness at the end of the Heat game and then leaving the court before fan appreciation time. He realized his mistake, manned up, and I think he'll be all in for this one. As he's the only thing approaching an NBA player that will be out on this court, that's enough for me. He should be ok beating Bismack Boyombo or whatever his name is, and his team is getting 2.5 points to work with here.




....andddd I don't see any MLB games that I want to bet on. There are a few I want to take (Oakland over Houston for one), but baseball is far too random for me to take -180 or -210 action on a single game.

So let's just ride them Cavs.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

In Which Kevin Correia Becomes an ACE

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever

Kevin Correia is awful at baseball. He's not good. He gives up a ton of hard contact. He was facing the Angels. I know they have sucked, but COME ON. Correia gave up like 2 runs in a lot of innings. The Twins put up about 8 runs. That's insane, yo. I'll have to keep betting on MLB games because, I guess, MLB is more about volume and sample size than any other sport.

Thought about taking the A's to rock Erik Bedard, but I remembered Bedard weaving some occasional early-season gems last year. He gave up 7 in the first inning. Oh well.

Anyway, my other two bets hit, so I went 2-1 (well, more like 1.5-1 but whatevs) to bring me to 15-6. Still going to be hard to beat that - you can make a living reading this site!

Let's see if I like anything tonight.


BET 1: CARDINALS (J. Westbrook) @ PIRATES (J. Sanchez), CARDS -1.5 @ +105

I'm not going to put any of my actual money on this because I don't want to bet against the Bucs, but...you should with yours. Jake Westbrook and the Cardinals are facing Jonathan Sanchez, a guy who is probably going to get sent to the minors. A guy who any of you Giants fans would probably be shocked to hear is still in the major leagues. That guy. He's taking on the Cards tonight. Good luck.



BET 2: GIANTS (B. Zito) @ BREWERS (W. Peralta), GIANTS @ -108

I'm just riding the Zito train, basically. I may be late but I'll take my chances. Get off the tracks!



I'm waffling on the A's-Astros OVER 7.5, but I'm gonna avoid it because I can't count on the Astros to score even a single run. Those two above will do for tonight.

Bet strong. Bet with Meat.