Meat's Dripping Wet Week 12 Picks

Alright, here's how I'm going to do this. Since I straight up ball, sons, I'm gonna pretend I have $1,000 in my gambling account. I don't have to spend the whole G right away; this is just to set a baseline.

So let's go through week 12 and see which matchups are just dripping wet with excitement!!!

(all odds come from sportsbetting.ag unless otherwise stated)


HOUSTON @ DETROIT (+3)

Alright, I didn't watch a snap of the Lions game last week, a close 24-20 loss to Green Bay. And I've heard that it was a game they probably should have won. But...I fucking hate the Lions.

Hate this team.

They are overrated as shit, Ndamowhatever Suh would rather beast on OL and hit QBs than actually stop a run right in front of his face, Matt Stafford has regressed about 8 steps, Titus Young is a dickhead, the coaches are fighting each other because Titus Young is a dickhead, Dominic Raiola is a talentless blowhard who mouths off about something every single fucking week about being disrespected because no one puts his 4-6 team at the top of the power rankings, and Jim Schwartz is the Reagan-esque tampon that trickles douche all the way down the roster from the top.

But Louis Delmas is coming back! Great! Louis Delmas is back in the building!

I know Houston got embarrassed last week by Jax (beating Jacksonville in OT is the equivalent of losing by 20 to an actual NFL team). I don't trust Matt Schaub like I once did, regardless of how many yards he threw for (he also threw an OT pick that should have lost the game). I know they got carved up by Green Bay in a match-up against an actual good football team. But I want to pick Detroit and just can't after thinking about it. I hate Detroit too much. Every time I think man, I think Detroit's gonna win this game, I remember how much I hate them. So I can't put a dollar down on this game. Save your money. This is one of Meat's Overcooked Beefs of the week.

PICK: None, fuck this shit. $0

IF I HAD TO: Detroit and the points.


WASHINGTON @ DALLAS (-3)

Another bone-dry beef of the week, it appears. Another tough week in the NFL. I have no idea what's going to happen in this game because Dallas has been so wildly inconsistent. Or I guess they've been Dallas as shit this year. Which Dallas do we expect? The one from the Giants game, where Romo threw like 8 picks in the first half? Or the one from the Giants game, where Romo rebounded for one of the best second halves I've ever seen him play? I think you get the point.

The Cowboys almost wrecked survivor for many people last week, ultimately winning in overtime against the Browns. Washington, on the other hand, finally played good defense and throttled the Eagles. However, it was Nick Foles's Eagles. Nick fucking Foles. I know Romo can suck but there's no way he goes down to the level of a Nick Foles, right?

I think RGIII will score some points. I think Romo will score some points. I don't think Dallas has any kind of homefield advantage whatsoever. So if I think the game will be decided by a field goal, I may as well take the team getting 3.

PICK: WASHINGTON +3, I'll say $20



NEW ENGLAND @ NY JETS (+7)

The Jets. THE JETS! God do I hate the damn Jets. Who knows what you are going to get?

Well, I think I do.

The Jets have showed up big against some bad teams this year to make it look like they are some kind of semblance of a decent football team. But against good teams, they've generally been awful. They did take the Patriots to OT in New England, but I'm thinking that was an anomaly. I think just last year they almost beat the Patriots in their first matchup and then lost the next by about 104.

So...I'm going to play the odds. I think New England, in most simulations, would pound the everliving fuck out of the Jets. And I don't bet on kick returns and fumbles, so I'll play the odds here. I'll take New England to run the score up all over the Jets and lose Brandon Spikes to a freak torn ACL on a late-game punt block.

PICK: NEW ENGLAND -7, how bouts $30



DENVER @ KANSAS CITY (+10.5)

Kansas City is garbage. They have no Dwayne Bowe, and even when he does play he doesn't really give a fuck once his team gets to 1-8. We're past the Dwayne Bowe gives-a-fuck part of the season. They should put on October 27th on every calendar, "Last Day Dwayne Bowe Gives a Single Solitary Fuck". He's given as many fucks in the past few games as Tim Tebow has ever gotten. If there were a company that baked "cream-filled Dwayne Bowe fucks", it would be Hostess. If you sent somebody out to fish for wide-mouthed Pacific Dwayne Bowe Fuckfish, it would be Laci Peterson. Oh, and Brady Quinn is making his triumphant, bounce-passy return to the starting line-up. Last time he started, he managed to throw a pick to Oakland and then get concussed basically before Dwayne Bowe realized that the game had even started. Fuck the shit out of this shitty-ass team.

"But Meat, how did they keep it close and almost beat Pittsburgh?", you may ask. Well...KC has some talent on their roster. They had an average offense (with Cassel before he stopped giving a fuck) and an average defense. They had just turned the ball over at a record pace. The Pittsburgh defense, however, refuses to force turnovers and has for the past 2 years. So it was one that I could see coming and as such wanted to take Seattle in survivor.

So a team with Von fucking Miller on defense? Good luck, Kansas City. I don't care that this is a divisional game, or that it's in Kansas City. Denver should roll all over KC.

PICK: DENVER -10.5, $25


TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE (-3)

What the fuck is this game? Why is it still being played?

Jacksonville is not starting Gabbert. They are starting Henne. Gabbert is the only NFL QB who can make Henne look good. And look good he did against Houston, almost leading Jacksonville to the win. Do I think that was an aberration? Absolutely. But this spread does not really account for that.

I mean...Tennessee sucks, too. And the game is in Jacksonville. Both teams came off of great performances in their last game (Titans had a bye but rimfucked Miami the week prior). So I don't know which way to go.

This is another bone-dry overcooked beef-fest, and I don't want to be anywhere near it. Both teams have the ability to revert immediately to smoldering piles of dicksuckery. So take your hard-earned fake cash elsewhere.

PICK: Fuck off. $0

HAD TO: I'd bet on Henne reverting to Henne and Blackmon once again forgetting he's an NFL WR now. Tennessee throttled Miami two weeks ago. Jacksonville will never throttle anybody. I guess I'd go with Tennessee and the 3.




BUFFALO @ INDIANAPOLIS (-3)

Ok, I don't really want to go over this again, because I did in the survivor post.

This is a tough one, because I think Indy wins, yet I also explicitly stated that they don't seem to win by much at home when they do win.

But if I'm going to ride them in survivor, may as well ride them all the way.

PICK: INDIANAPOLIS -3, $10



OAKLAND @ CINCINNATI (-9.5)

Also went over this in the survivor post. Basically, this spread is way, way, way way way too high for at team that I think has a decent chance of losing this game.

PICK: OAKLAND +9.5, $30



SEATTLE @ MIAMI (+3)

Another home/away team, like them Colts, is Seattle. Seattle sucks on the road. Russell Wilson blows ass on the road. Pete Carroll fucks himself bloody with Challenger shrapnel on the road.

Miami, on the other hand, is a pretty consistently boring team, outside of that raping by Tennessee two weeks back. They may have the blandest, most boring roster ever assembled, and have for years now. They are not really terrible at any position, but they aren't good anywhere, either. Tannehill is decent and doesn't suck but he's boring as shit too, which makes him perfect. Every time I see a Dolphins uniform I just feel like napping.

So a somnambulant host against a visitor out of their element? I don't know what would happen, but I do NOT expect Miami to win by more than a field goal. Because they just straight up don't do that shit.

EDIT: Got the line wrong. Seattle is favored by 3, not Miami. I'm just going to take the points.

PICK: MIAMI +3, $10



ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY, pick 'em

Oh shizz...I love this. I love how Tampa's been playing, and I've thought for awhile that Atlanta kinda sucked for an undefeated team. So now I'm getting a pick 'em, in Tampa Bay? I'm fucking taking it.

This is one of my dripping wet picks of the week. Freeman's been good, VJax has been good, Doug Martin has been good, everyone has been good. I don't think Ryan will throw 5 INTs like last week, but I don't think he'll tear it up, either. Even when they were just ehh, Tampa showed that their offense could keep up with that of New Orleans. They won't need to do that this week.

If I didn't have the Bengals or Colts left for survivor, I would strongly consider Tampa this week.

PICK: TAMPA BAY +0, $50



BALTIMORE @ SAN DIEGO, pick 'em

Another pick 'em. I LOVE PICK 'EMs!

Baltimore is not the Baltimore we've come to know, but San Diego is just completely godawful now. They did keep it close against Denver, but I don't think that game was really ever in doubt. So this one is anything but an easy decision.

I don't know where to go with this. The Charger defense is ehhh, the Baltimore offense is either pretty good or eh, their defense sucks, and the Chargers suck offensively.

Since I can't really narrow it down the old-fashioned way, I'll go with my gut. I know Baltimore is not the same as they used to be, I know they are traveling to the west coast, I know they just played a tough Sunday nighter, but the Chargers have just been awesome at losing lately. Let's ride the fucking losers.

PICK: BALTIMORE +0, $15



ST. LOUIS @ ARIZONA (-1)

Ok. A matchup of two teams that suck. St. Louis is better but still sucks, and Arizona is awful on offense. Ryan Lindley (who?) is starting for them this week. I repeat: who the fuck is that? Last week with Lindley, they deepthroated whales. Picked off Matt Ryan 5 times and still lost. That's hard to do.

But St. Louis ain't Atlanta.

St. Louis's offense is the opposite of dependable. It's garbage. They do not score. They kick field goals to the point that their kicker has like 8 nicknames. I call him Kick Honetcutt. Actually I don't. But still. And Arizona, for all of their offensive failures, have an awesome defense.

So, St. Louis doesn't really do anything well, while Arizona at least does one thing awesomely. And they are at home. And they need to start winning yesterday if they want any chance at the postseason.

I actually really like AZ here. I didn't before I started writing this, but now I think I may even call this a dripping wet pick. This pick is seasoned beef, kids.

PICK:  ARIZONA -1, $40




SAN FRANCISCO @ NEW ORLEANS (-1)

An awesome game match-up can be a tough betting match-up.

San Francisco pulled it out in SF last year in the playoffs and looked dominant as fuck last week. But please...let's not think these Bears aren't what we thought they were. Do NOT crown their asses. Their OL sucks. It's not an NFL quality offensive line. So all of that havoc that the 9ers wreaked in the backfield will be tough to duplicate.

I love SF but I think New Orleans gets in the end zone here. They always do at home. They've been playing well. We rode them last week to an easy win in Oakland. I think they pull this one out in their dome. Is Kaepernick starting? Serious question...I don't know and I don't feel like looking it up. I don't care how many passes Alex Smith completed against Arizona, Kaepernick is so much better than Smith that it makes dolphins cry and then shit all over the sea.

PICK: NEW ORLEANS -1, $15





GREEN BAY @ NY GIANTS -2.5

You are favoring the Giants by 2.5? I don't think so.

The Giants are a decent team. They aren't bad. They aren't great. There's a reason they go 9-7 every year they win a Super Bowl. They can show up at times. They often don't. Their standard game is an ok game.

Green Bay is rolling. I don't care where this game is, I think they handle the G-men rather easily. I'm happily taking the points - I'd probably take Green Bay -2.5. This pick is just sopping wet.

PICK: GREEN BAY -2.5, $50



CAROLINA @ PHILADELPHIA, NO LINE

Guess the injuries and stuff have forced Vegas to hold off. I hate the Eagles right now. I'd take Carolina even if they were a slight favorite. They've been losing but looking pretty good in doing so. So I think they handle Philadelphia. If I remember, I'll update this when I get a line.



PITTSBURGH @ CLEVELAND, PICK 'EM

Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you pissing all over my face right now? Are you strapping me down to a gourney, arms bound and strapped to the table, completely unable to move, and just pissing all over my face when you tell me this?

Ok. I know Ben Roeth is out. I know the Steelers backups suck and they just signed Goatfucker McHamilton. But a relapsing Josh Hamilton could lead the Steelers over the Browns.

Every time Benjamin is out, the Steelers lose to the Ravens. But even when they do, they beat the spread. The lost in OT to Baltimore with Dennis Dixon a few years back on a 8.5 point spread. They covered this past weekend. And when they play shit teams with the backup, they win. Charlie Batch beat Tampa and St. Louis and Tennessee and all them.

So you're going to give me a pick 'em here? The Steelers NEED this game. They have lost to Cleveland exactly once in the past TEN FUCKING YEARS. I know that loss was one they needed, but still...they just do not lose to the fucking Browns. EVER. This would be the survivoriest pick I'd ever make if I still had Pittsburgh available. So you want to let me pick? Fa rilllllll?

This is Meat's......

SIZZLING PICK OF THE WEEK!

PICK: PITTSBURGH +0, $100


Total bet: $405 riding this week, y'all

See you next week, dougs!