Why I Don't Care That Lance Armstrong Cheated at Bikes

Hmmmm I feel like riding bikes but my ball hurts and I'm wearing a suit

Lance Armstrong has just been confirmed as possibly the world's largest, skeleton-y Sheryl Crow-banging bag of douche. Big fuckin' whoop. And he cheated at riding bikes. The horror! We've been led astray by a cheating fraud! Oh no! Wait...Meat...why don't you care? Why don't you care that Ol' Single Ballt Scotch up there cheated his way to the pinnacle of riding bikes? That he took all kinds of illegal horse steroids that allowed him to ride bikes better than anyone in the history of Ray Lewis's green Earth? Don't you have any moral character? Don't you have any sense of decency?

I don't know. I think I do. Do you want to know why I really, truly don't give the slightest ass?

BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RIDING BIKES.

I don't. Riding bikes is fuckin' retarded. Ohhhh you're the fastest on a bike! Great, I type a lot of words per minute. Why don't you dicks wear bracelets to fight lupus on the strength of my typing? It's not that much less stupid than riding bikes. First off, if I type things, people with eyes can read them, no many how many balls they do or do not possess. Secondly, if I type something that needed to be typed then no one else has to do it and they can spend their time doing something else productive like curing lupus themselves or maybe like, doing business and making business stuff happen. NOBODY ENJOYED THOSE BENEFITS BECAUSE LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS GOOD AT RIDING BIKES. Nobody. Wooo, you rode a bike through the French Alps faster than some other sinewy French cocksucker could. You pedaled bikes really fast up hills. Unless I had a kid that lived on top of that Alp that you were delivering a bike to so that my made-up kid could enjoy riding bikes for a few months, THEN I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE DROP OF LEADER-Y CUM DRIPPING FROM MANTI T'EO'S HAND AFTER HE BEATS IT TO SOME FAKE GIRL ON SKYPE. I don't give a fucking milliliter of that cum.

Lance Armstrong cheated at bikes. But worse, he's a dickhead, too! Whatevs. We've known that for years. Michael Jordan was a dickhead. "But Meat, isn't throwing balls through circles just as stupid when you get down to it as riding bikes through France?".No. I don't know why but it isn't. Here's how much of a shit I am incapable of giving about riding bikes:

I write a blog about placing fake bets on football games and occasional $5 bets on first quarter NBA unders with my pal Heat. Our real names aren't Heat and Meat. We are probably going to bet on WNBA games and have a mock WNBA draft. Heat wanted to know the odds for our young kickball teammate to have a fucking heart attack at the age of 30 before a girl also on our team completes a degree in something that could help save you from heart attacks or something. He wrote a blog post about it. He wrote about a Peen State coach (misspelling intentional) who raped kids in showers and wanted to know my opinion on a subsequent kid rapey lawsuit. I gave my detailed opinion that I formulated methodically over the course of months. I PUT ACTUAL EFFORT INTO ALL OF THIS STUPID SHIT INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A MILLIFUCK ABOUT RIDING BIKES. That's where riding bikes is on my spectrum and why I don't care about Lance at all.

So good for him for leading a strong, single-balled crusade against balls cancer and bad for him for being a calculating, narcissistic, 78-pound douchebag with great steroidy endurance at riding bikes. I don't care. If his cheaty charity ends up saving me from the balls cancer that I'll probably develop at some point, great for him. I won't care if he truly cared about fighting cancer and wanted to save lives and balls. I won't care if he only did it because he's so narcissistic and wanted everybody with balls cancer to know that they owe their entire existence to Lance Armstrong riding bikes. I won't care if no one ever rides bikes as good as Lance Armstrong did. I don't feel more patriotic because Lance Armstrong rode the shit out of some bikes. I won't be all like "hey French queers, you guys suck and America is awesome because Lance Armstrong rode bikes all over your stupid asses". I won't care if French queers are like "ahhhh Meat, you know Lance Armstrong was on ze steroids when he rode ze bikes ahhhhh Viva France! Je suis the best at bikes!". I don't care. I don't care that you were all on steroids. I don't care that Lance Armstrong was the best. I don't care that he fucked over everyone associated with him. I just don't care about Lance Armstrong at all, because I don't care about riding bikes.

Now let's look at the Minnesota Lynx's 2013 schedule.