MANTI TE'O INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

Hey y'all, if you dougs haven't had the time to watch the Manti Te'o interview with Katie Couric because you're busy or maybe because you just don't give a fuck about the whens and whys but, like myself, were just entertained by the sheer wtf-ness of the whole ordeal, then you are in luck. In fact, the only reason I watched was because I felt a sense of duty and obligation to you all as a founding father of this blog, which you guys have kept going through your faithful following and generous donations and for which Heat and I both thank you from the bases of our girthy cocks.

So let's get on to the meat (hahaahahahaahahaha no pun intended) of this interview:

 Manti - let me touch on one theory that has been out there making the rounds in the blogosphere and I'll give you a chance to address it. There's been a lot of chatter that you were behind this...

Ain't that some shit.

...that you were using this as a cover up, you know, to hide your sexuality. So let me just ask you something. Manti, are you gay?

No...no way. Far from it. Very far from it.

*laughs* Ok, so definitely not gay.

Katie, I would fuck you so deep right now that you would cry. I would drill that hot MILF-puss like fuckin' ANWaR. Dear Lord would I tear up that vag.

Well I'd better keep these legs crossed!

*nervous laughter*

See how you had to change your clothes, Katie? Because of how wet I made you? Katie, in Hawaii we know rain. We know moisture. It rains more in Hawaii than any other state. But that doesn't count that hot clit of yours - weather services don't recognize that shit. Why don't we get a rain gauge? I'll show you how not gay I am.

Ok, this is getting carried away. Look, I changed back. That was the only picture that they could find of me. We understand that you aren't gay...

Do you? Do you recognize how not gay I am? How much I live and die for the vagine? I would bleed for the vagina. I wouldn't bleed for the dick. I fucking hate the dick, Katie. I hate it. I hate how veiny it is and how it shoots hot white cum at you when you play with it. I hate that shit. Hate the clean up. But the vagina is majestic and I'm in fucking love with it.

Well, that actually sounds like a pretty gay explanation.

*pulls out cock*

You want me to prove it to you? You want this runner-up dick?

You need to put that away now.

Why don't you put it away for me?

Manti, I'm not going to touch your dick on National television...

Why? Afraid you might like this straight dick? Afraid you can't handle a not-gay cock? Maybe that's why Lennay faked her death. She knew I'd have her walking like FDR if we had ever met up.

No no no...Manti...she's not real! Lennay never existed!

No that's what you think! You can't prove that she didn't. You can't prove that she wasn't afraid of the pounding I was about to put on her. I was going to loosen her up with this Hawaiian boa. I was going to RUIN that girl. That's how not gay I am. Lenny...I mean Lennay....was going to ride this dick straight into the fuckin' HOSPITAL. Maybe she didn't have health insurance. Or maybe it doesn't cover "injuries resulting from Manti Te'o's huge Samoan mancock". Does your insurance cover that? You probably have good insurance. If you are so not lesbian, why don't you hop on?

Ok moving along here...

I'm not gay.

Yes, I know, I know.

I'M NOT FUCKING GAY KATIE COURIC! I'M NOT GAY AT ALL! I'M STRAIGHT AS FUCK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh Dear God...

 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

...ok we better cut to commercial.

Take your old cell phones...and in seconds, ATTACH THEM TO YOUR FACE!