PLAYOFFS?!?!?!

Uh oh sons, it's playoff time!

If you were faithfully following either Heat or Meat this regular season, you made money. So why not get on these hot, spicy playoff picks? Guaranteed to make you pre-cum. So be careful at work.

Lines come from topbet.eu as ushe.

CINCINNATI +4.5 @ HOUSTON

Guh. This is a tough one. May actually be the toughest call of the week for me. Cincinnati is still Cincinnati, but the past few weeks can't be ignored. Houston, on the other hand, has sucked whale cock for the past couple of weeks with a bye week on the line. So which Houston team are we going to get?

If it's the early Houston team, they wreck Cincinnati. For all of their awesomeness in the win against Pittsburgh, they basically scored 3 offensive points against a team that had been struggling mightily. Houston, when they aren't sucking on said delicious whale cock, has a great defense. Well...had a great defense. I guess that's the problem. Will these Lone Star retards show up or are they going to end the season with a Vick's dog-ish whimper?

Gun to my head I have to bet against playoff Bengals.

This game will come down to the running attack. Both teams have similar pass offenses and pass defenses. It will be interesting to see if the Texans continue to nosedive their way through the playoffs. Their play has been abysmal lately.  The Tiger's running game lacks the excitement and reliability that the Texans have with the best NFL commercial actor this season in Arian Foster. JJ Watt and the front D line of the Texans will be too much for the slangin ginger.

MEAT'S PICK: Houston -4.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Houston -4.5, $25 Prediction: Houston 27-17

MINNESOTA +7.5 @ GREEN BAY

Minnesota is better than people think, and Green Bay is not as good as people think. A touchdown and a half point is just too much here in my opinion.

It's probably going to be about 4 degrees, snowy and windy enough to make Rodgers look like Ponder and Ponder look like Stephen Hawking. So it could be hard enough to manage 7.5 total points.

After week 2 Meat was telling me how Clay Matthews always goes ape shit and sacks everything in sight during the first couple of games of the season but then fades. Once again, the beefy one was right. I predict that AP will run for 300 yards and Ponder will be shaking so much that his passes will be worse than usual.

On the other side, Minnesota should drop 10 guys into coverage and force Rodgers to hand the ball off. This season he's looked more like Farve, forcing balls into tighter spaces than a Sandusky slumber party.  It is a large spread, but I'm gonna go with the home field advantage. GO PACK GO.

MEAT'S PICK: Minnesota +7.5, $25
HEAT'S PICK: GB -7.5, $25   Prediction: GB 35-27

INDIANAPOLIS +7 @ BALTIMORE

There really aren't that many elite teams this year. I would probably take Minnesota over either of these teams. People think that Indianapolis is killing it because Luck has singlehandedly lead them to an 11-5 record by scoring 20 points every week while also playing great special teams and defense, while people also think that Baltimore is awesome because they are Baltimore and Ray Lewis dances around and Flacco says he's elite and Torrie Smith caught three TDs in a half once.

Well...Luck may be looked at way too fondly for what he's done but he's still capable of throwing some elite passes when he needs to, which you just cannot say of Joe Flacco. Flaccs is just mediocre these days. It's like he's stuck in a Sanchez. He's not mired as deeply in a Sanchez as Mark Sanchez is, but he's in a Sanchez nonetheless. On top of that, Baltimore's defense just ain't that great anymore. I think Indianapolis may be about a coin-flip to win this game provided Ray Rice doesn't run for 500 yards. So seven points? Wayyyyyy too much. I'll probably put real money on this one.

Meat still isn't impressed or convinced by Luck's performance this season. I on the other hand have been on this Luck train since Stanford. The two times I've bet against him, he's punished me with his sweet late game heroics. I learned my lesson. Just like I learned not to bet on Detroit. Indy does have a young team, and a creepy owner (see photo below), but I am bought into what they're doing.

I agree with Meat's assessment of the Ravens team as a whole. Flacco is no where near elite, the defense is just plain old, and they don't feed Ray Rice enough. The only thing I look forward to from the Ravens is seeing Ray Lewis do an extended dance one last time before the game and hopefully tearing his peck whilst bogeying.

MEAT'S PICK: Indianapolis, + 7 $50
HEAT'S PICK: Indy, +7 $50    Prediction: Indy 24-13


Might as well make this one SSSSSIZZZZZZZZZLLLLLEEEE

SEATTLE @ WASHINGTON +3

I am not getting burned again by Seattle. They are just killing it right now and I think they will be too much for Bob Griffin and the Redskins.

Plus, Brandon Browner comes back to an already sizzling defense. They are going to sizzle RGIII's pubes right off. They'll call him SingeBob after this game. It's going to smell like charred pubes throughout the Raljon area.

Big Bert has completely won my heart and kept me in my fantasy league this year. He's the real deal and I pray he never gets hurt. The skins look good with their rookies that ESPN won't shut up about. Yes, we all know Morris went to FAU (Find Another University), it's awesome that he's done so well. Get over it.

Seahawks have been steamrolling good teams, and have had scoring orgasms to end the season. Without the 12th man to help the sexiest uniforms in the league, I don't think their scoring ways will continue in the post season. It will be interesting to watch.

MEAT'S PICK: Seattle -3, $25
HEAT'S PICK: Washington +3, $25    Prediction: 42-35

Look for Russell Wilson to join Rex Ryan on the beach after this game. Maybe they'll get matching Sanchez tattoos!!

So yeah, I'm betting on a lot of road teams but...you never know in the playoffs. Mad crazy ish happens in January, yo. And I love betting against big spreads in playoff games.

So let's go, my picks!
Fuck that! Let's go, Heat's picks!