It's that time of year, kids! Nothing gets the atmosphere at Heat and Meat buzzing quite like the WNBA draft, where we transition almost immediately from the excitement of the NCAA Women's Final Four right into the draft, where the WNBA welcomes some young blood (hahahahahahaaha) into America's League.
This year, the number one pick is a soft, one-handed slam dunk pick, and everybody knows it. GRINE-TIME. Not only do the people of Phoenix get to watch the gritty on-basemanship of Martin Prado and the glove of Didi Gregorious this summer, they also get to witness the most dominating female force since Marge Thatcher on a near-nightly basis. Things can not be hotter in Phoenix this summer.
Let's get to it, with Meat's 2013 round 1 mock draft.
1. PHOENIX MERCURY - Brittney Griner, Beast, Baylor
Our generation not only has the iPad and Bud Light Limes, we've also been lucky enough to witness Grines dominate the NCAA like no women had done before. Mark Cuban has been making waves about drafting her for the Mavs. Jim Irsay wants her as a wide receiver. But Phoenix Mercury fans, I imagine, are going to be the lucky ones who get to witness her go Ostertag all over the rest of the league. BG is big, fast (-ish, I think, maybe), and strong (I don't know). She's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball right now. She can kind of dunk, and as a matter of fact, I've read that of the 33 rim-rattling dunks in NCAA women's history, Grines is responsible for 18 of them. That's insane! That would be like saying of all the inches of dick in the world, I account for 60% of it. I WOULD KILL ENTIRE TOWNS WITH THAT MEGA-DICK! That's the kind of cock Griner will be bringing to the frontcourt of the Mercury. Oh, and she's fundamentally sound.
2. CHICAGO SKY - Skylar Diggins, Guard, Notre Dame
And the Chicago Sky are left with the unenvious position of drafting after Griner is gone. Is this the Ducks drafting Bobby Ryan after the Pens took Sid Crosby? The Mariners getting Dustin Ackley after the Nats took Strasburg? I don't think so. I think this is the Pens taking Malkin after the Caps got Ovechkin. Because Skylar Diggins can straight BALL, and she can do it fundamentally soundly, I'd imagine. She'll become a Margaret Thatcher-type leading Chicago's backcourt.
HOLD THE F ON.
Since I have basically no idea who the hell Skylar Diggins is, I had to look her up on the internet, and of course, she has naked pictures everywhere. That's unique. Solid second overall pick here for the Sky...local college player, more likely to have fucked T'eo than his actual girlfriend, naked on the internet. And apparently Lil' Wayne is trying desperately to hit that. We live in a strange, strange age.
Yourrrrrrr 2013 Chicago Sky!!!!
3. TULSA SHOCK - TRADE ALERT!
NEW YORK LIBERTY TRADE A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S PICKS AND THEIR 5th OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK TO TULSA FOR THEIR 3rd OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK
NEW YORK LIBERTY - Elena Delle-Donne, Forward, Delaware
OUR FIRST DRAFT SHOCK(ER)! Tulsa can't turn down this bounty of women's picks, not with so many holes to fix. New York, on the other hand, is desperately looking to find the next Becs Lobo and Delle-Donne is also a tall, white girl. I actually think Delle-Donne can ball out pretty hard, if I'm not mistaken, and if Chicago weren't hell bent on acquiring a local naked chick, she'd be a clear-cut second pick.
What a historic women's draft. Delle-Donne, in most years, is an easy number 1 pick. She's probably fundamentally sound. She's 6'5", and size rules in the women's game, where everybody is like, 5'7". And,
she can woman-dunk. Nothing brings down an WNBA house like a thunderous womandunk. New York sees an opening and gives Tulsa whatever it wants. They need the next Lobo, and now's the time to act.
4. WASHINGTON MYSTICS - Kelsey Bone, Center, Texas A&M
Size matters in the WNBA, and the Mystics hurry to the podium to draft a bad bitch in Kelsey Bone, the 6'4" center from Texas A&M. Bone is kinda raw but, if she can put it all together and she puts in the time and sweat to improve, she has the potential to become very fundamentally sound. It's tough to pass on a Tayler Hill at this point, but Washington needs to get some size in the paint if they want to compete with the other women's teams this season.
5. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Tayler Hill, Guard, Ohio State
Tulsa passes on Delle-Donne for the RG-III-esque bounty of, let's say two future first round women's picks and a second rounder this year, and they go with the big guard out of Ohio State. At 5'10", Hill is going to be quite a mismatch for smaller women's basketball players, and women's basketball is a game of mismatches. Miss-matches, I call them, before shooting myself in the face out of embarrassment. Tulsa probably needs help in their women's backcourt, and Tayler "Miss Match" Hill is just the gal to provide it. And, if I might add, in a fundamentally sound manner.
6. SEATTLE STORM - Kayla Alexander, Center, Syracuse
Another 6'4" center going in the first round, this one to Seattle. Kayla Alexander will give Seattle that big shot-blocker in the paint who can grab boards and then pass them to Sue Bird. "All-Day" Kay is, I'm sure, very fundamentally sound and we all know the "Liebermann Equation"...size + fundamentals = championships. It's basically the e=m
c2 of the WNBA. Kayla Anderson is about to become the Storm's Einstein. I haven't seen a bitch this bad since Margaret Thatcher.
7. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Toni Young, Forward, Oklahoma State
Oh snap! Turns out the Liberty had another first rounder this year that they had received from the Atlanta women's basketball team. Let's assume that this pick goes to Tulsa in the Delle-Donne deal. Tulsa will then turn around and take who I've read is the best natural athlete in this draft, 6'1" forward Toni Young out of Oklahoma State. Athleticism is nice and Toni will likely put out her own personal highlight reel of super-athletic lay-ups, but, if it's going to work out in the end, she needs to become fundamentally sound. She's going to have to work hard at the next level if she's to reach her full potential. She's going to have to learn how the pros play and really work on her all-around game. She basically needs to find her inner Margaret Thatcher.
8. SAN ANTONIO SILVER STARS - Tianna Hawkins, Forward, Maryland
Due to a rash of injuries and tragic pregnancies to their big girls, San Antonio is going to be desperate to add some size down low in this draft. Luckily for them, this epically strong draft is going to allow a fundamentally sound, Margaret Thatcher-type leader like Tianna Hawkins to fall to them in the 8th spot. Hawkins rebounds in her sleep, and rebounding is a key part of fundamentals, which are half of the Liebermann Equation. The Silver Stars hope that adding a solid fundamental force like Hawkins will allow them to continue to compete for the championship, year after year.
9. INDIANA FEVER - Kelly Faris, Guard, UCONN
Adding a woman's player from UCONN is the equivalent of adding a football player from Alabama or a bowler from Maryland-Eastern Shore. You know what you're getting from these excellent programs, and it can't hurt to add players who were brought up in an atmosphere that demands consistent success. Faris is no different. A tenacious, gritty defender, she's also fundamentally sound offensively and she can shoot that little ball they use quite well. It would behoove any team to add a player like this, and with no clear-cut choice here with Hawkins off the board, the Fever decide to do just that. Players like this are the types that really help a perennial contender like the Fever stay on top, as Nancy Liebermann probably likes to say.
10. LOS ANGELES SPARKS - Sugar Rodgers, Guard, Georgetown
A surprise pick here, as the Sparks select the lady Iverson, Sugar Rodgers. Sugar is just a natural scorer in the Iverson/Eddie House type of mold, and the Sparks here choose to go with flash. Sugs is a bit of a gunner, and she's going to have to become more fundamentally sound at the highest level of women's basketball, but her determination to get the ball in the hoop is quite impressive. It's very Margaret Thatcher of her.
11. CONNECTICUT SUN - Lindsey Moore, Guard, Nebraska
What? The team in Connecticut is called the "Sun"? Are they in a division with the Detroit Well-To-Dos and the Mississippi Tolerance? Well, regardless of their moniker, they are missing their top two guards this year due to season-ending injuries. They need somebody to step in right away, and at this point, the most likely to do that is Lindsey Moore from Nebraska. She's not the quickest or fastest or anything, but she's very fundamentally sound, she can lead the offense, and she can shoot a bit, too. Like Nancy Liebermann probably said at some point, "when in doubt, go for the fundamentals. Fundamentals are to the women's game what hepatitis is to the Hispanic population". Nancy Liebermann is kinda racist. But she's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball, and when she speaks, you listen.
12. MINNESOTA LYNX - Markel Walker, Forward, UCLA
The reigning WNBA champion Minnseota Lynx don't need much, so in this instance I think they are going to add a hybrid guard/forward in Markel Walker. Walker is a straight-up fundamental BEAST down low. A real
Karl Malone type, and that's quite apt because the postal service hires a
shit-ton of women these days. And Walker can really carry the letters,
rain, sleet or perfect indoor women's basketball weather.
Walker
is going to bang some bodies down in the paint and if these other girls
don't like it, they can go play tennis. She's also quite capable of handling the little rock and running the offense from the wing. The kind of cog that can really help a championship team like Minnesota. Walker is going to make Minnesotans forget about whoever their last women's star was real
quick.
Well, that's it, since there are only 12 teams in women's basketball. The Atlanta Dream don't have a first rounder, so fuck them. They can pick up some fresh young ladies in rounds 2 and 3. As always, please stay tuned to your source for hot WNBA action, Heat and Meat's Dripping Wet Sports Picks.
