Tuesday, October 29, 2013

MEAT'S BACK IN THE HOUSE


Why the hell not? I still bet, I still have fingers, it's 5:30 so I don't want to work anymore today, why not get the old band back together? Jk, Heat ain't coming back.

Due to my extremely sexy betting success last year, I have more money in my account than when I started. So you know what? LET'S GET FUCKING WILD. Last year I bet $5 a bet because losing large bets sucks ass and small bets are still fun for me. But starting now...$10 A BET. Yeah, you fucking heard me. Ten dollars. I know that's an entire Hamilton, but when your picks are as dripping wet as mine are...you can afford it.

Oh, and now I just pretty much do 2-team teasers all day because they are fun. If you don't like it, you can suck Marty Mornhinweg's dick. I had to look up how to spell his stupid name.

Sure thing, Marty

Let's get down to biznasssss

7-POINT TEASER: ATLANTA +14.5 and ATL/CAR OVER 37.0

You gotta look for those football numbers - any spreads that are multiples of 3 or 7. Because that's what the fuck happens in most games, as most normal non-cocksucking teams score 3s or 7s. Or 0s in Jacksonville.

Now, Atlanta sucks shit-covered dildos, as most teams that acquire Steven Jackson tend to do (that guy is like the Winston Churchill of sucky football). Julio Jones's metal foot broke again, Roddy White's crippled ass finally sat down on the bench for a week, but...giving 7.5 to Carolina? I'd be pretty confident with Atlanta at +7.5, let alone +14.5. Carolina is too ehh offensively and it just seems that Atlanta always beats Carolina. Over 37 because I hate unders.


ATLANTA +7.5 over CAROLINA

Talked myself into it.


7 POINT TEASER: NEW ENGLAND (+0) and PIT/NE OVER 37.0

The Steelers officially blow, and for seven points, you can get New England to win straight up. There's almost no way these two teams don't put up 37, what with NE moving on the Steelers bend-but-then-break defense and Ben Roethlisberger coming alive in the second half for a storm of meaningless points, like a rising phoenix on colored-people time.

I give this 0 stars because I don't want to rate my stupid bets in stars anymore.


7 POINT TEASER: MIAMI +10 and BUFFALO +10.5 and CLEVELAND +10 and HOUSTON +10

Fuck it, home dog teaser. I can get them all for double-digits. I'm much more confident on the first two but, I mean, Houston still has the talent to keep it close with teams when Schaub isn't throwing pick-twelves and the Ravens kinda blow ass. Miami and Buffalo I think have decent shots to win straight up, as Alex Smith is the most mediocre NFL player in the entire league and Cincinnati plays more boring close games than 49-9 blowouts of a week ago. Don't put actual money on this one, I'm just getting stupid now.


One more football teaser:

7 POINT TEASER: SEATTLE -10 and GREEN BAY -3.5

These teams play Tampa Bay and Chicago at home, respectively. I think they both murder their opponent. I will bear witness to each murder.




U. of FLORIDA +2.5 over GEORGIA

This is Aaron Murray's chance to become the first Georgia QB since Shotgun McWhocares to beat UF three times in a row. This makes it somewhat of a big game for Georgia, I'd say. Georgia loses every single big game, always. You can make a lot of money by betting against Georgia. DO IT

I guess that's it for now, the rest of the college games are either irrelevant or have cartoon spreads. I think FSU pulverizes UM into snortable dust, but the 22.5 point spread gives me pause that they give up halfway through and give up a cheap cover.

Avoid the clap!

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