Heat would lick this guy's balls
Mock draft time! You know this shit is gonna happen, GUARANTEED. You don't even have to watch the draft.
MIAMI DOLPHINS TRADE UP TO #1 - GIVING KC THEIR FIRST ROUNDER THIS YEAR, HANDJOBS FOR THE COACHING STAFF, AND LET'S SAY TWO 2NDS
MIAMI SELECTS LUKE JOECKEL, OT, TEXAS A&M
Ok. This shit makes sense. The top of this draft SUCKS. It sucks cock. There are three positions available - Tackle (Joeckel and Fisher), rush LB (Jordan/Ansah/Jones/etc), and DT (Floyd/Lotuleiti (sp?)).
The Chiefs have rush OLBs, kinda have a tackle, and lead the world in picking bust DLs early (haaaa Dontari Poe). Every mock drafter is giving them Joeckel, but why? Joeckel reminds me of Jake Long - going #1 because of the weak class. This is no Orlando Pace. Watch tape of Orlando Pace at OSU - he absolutely MAULED people. It was like he was Casey Anthony and the defensive linemen were his unwanted children. He was like the Waterboy out there. Neither Jake Long nor Joeckel were quite at that level. Ideally, the Chiefs would take a QB here but...they have the grand fortune of getting the top draft pick in the worst draft for QBs since Jim Druckenmiller went in the first round. So...
TRADE IT TO THE DOLPHINS!
Rumor says the Dolphins are interested in Joeckel and Eric Fisher. Neither will last until pick 12. It's a weak first round, so it would take too much to move all the way up. And the Dolphins would certainly do this. The Dolphins are comically bland, and they'd like to get even blander. So let's watch this paint dry, Miami. Fins up!
2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT DION JORDAN, OLB, OREGON
I'm not completely sold on Jordan, but he has the physical characteristics of beastliness and, let's face it, Jacksonville can take anybody at any position and upgrade. They are the only team more boring than Miami. They suck. Florida's teams are as exciting as its terrain. Watching a Jags/Jets game is like watching the live birth of trees. So they can do whatever they want here.
After picking Blaine Gabbert early two years ago, they would have presumably learned their lesson not to make the same mistake here. Take a guy like Jordan who many compare to Von Miller, suck ass again with Gabbert, and then take either Manziel or Teddy Bridgewater next year. Or hell, Jadaveon Clowney. Just don't blow it again on a QB. Knowing this team, they'll probably take Geno Smith. I think their recent lack of success picking high DL will cause them to shift away from Floyd and Lutoleitejhte. Let's just call him Star. That's a lot easier.
3. OAKLAND RAIDERS SELECT STAR LOTULELEI, DT, UTAH
Finally looked up this dude's name.
Ok, the Commitment to Excellence ended years ago, and was buried when the Raiders gave up two firsts and a second for the remains of Carson Palmer. But supposedly Reg McKenzie is bringing some sense to the team, and so I'm going to make a pick that I feel is sensible.
After finally releasing Tommie Kelly and his Al Davisian salary, the Raiders have a huge black hole at DT. And most mocks have them taking Sharrif Floyd. But...assuming it's not a 4-3 v. 3-4 thing...I like Lotulelei a lot more. I can't watch much on these dudes because I can't Youtube all day, but Lotulelei looks a lot more forceful and effective. I know he wasn't playing in the SE-fucking-C, where superstars everywhere else become mere backups, but he was throwing people around on the reg. Yeah they were highlight tapes but whatever. There's no 4.2 receiver here for the Raiders to cum all over (well...there is Tavon Austin...Al Davis probably would have picked him, fa rill)....so I think they'll replace Kelly with the beast NT.
4. EAGLES TRADE TO SOMEBODY
There's nothing here that makes sense for the Eagles, in my mind. At least not at 4. If the Chiefs use their first pick on Joeckel I could see the Fins trading up to this spot to take Eric Fisher. Anybody want Eric Fisher? Hmm.
EAGLES TRADE PICK TO ARIZONA FOR THEIR FIRST THIS YEAR, A ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO BRAZZERS.COM AND A 2ND AND 3RD
CARDINALS SELECT ERIC FISHER, OT, CENTRAL MICHIGAN
This actually, I think, makes a dickton of sense. Lane Johnson is this year's Riley Reiff. He'll fall, so I don't think AZ would take him 7th. They are also considering a trade for Brandon Albert of the Chiefs, which shows how desperate they are for an OT. This also allows me to keep Milliner at Detroit's spot.
Eric Fisher is a small-school guy, which people have theorized will keep him from going no. 1 overall. But here, I think he's fine. Fuck, this just makes too much sense. I'll bet everyone a 'scrip to Brazzers that it does. Jk. I'm a blacksonblondes guy, myself.
5. DETROIT LIONS SELECT DEE MILLINER, CB, ALABAMA
Ok, recent "rumors" are that Milliner's stock is falling and Detroit will go OT (if available) or Ansah instead. But, I said months ago that they go CB, so I'll stick with it. Milliner didn't look amazing when Tyler Eifert was catching go-routes on his face in the NCAA championship game, but Eifert's fuckin' good so I'm going to keep Milliner as the first CB off the board. The Lions need secondary help like Shawn Kemp needs a vasectomy, so I'm not going to panic and give them an LB or OT. They drafted Riley Reiff last year in the first...move him to LT, find a fill-in RT and thank the heavens that someone actually took Gosder Cherilus off of your hands.
6. CLEVELAND BROWNS SELECT TAVON AUSTIN, WR, WVU
My first real surprise pick. But it makes perfect sense.
The Browns are godawff on offense. There is no explosion. No splash plays. They barely displace any liquid at all, even after drafting Greased Pig Richardson 4th overall last year. So do they take a CB like Milliner if he falls? I don't think so. Do they take a QB? Not here. Do they take Ansah or a project like Mingo? I think that their defense, while not exciting, is much less of a concern than their offense. They basically just signed all of last year's Ravens. So let's look at that offense.
They have Greg Little and Josh Gordon on the outsides, and those dudes are ok, but...Austin is motherfucking electric. If he isn't a bust, he will charge the shit out of this offense. Their offense is like stagnant bathtub water, and he's like a plugged-in toaster. He should open everything up. He'll be catching balls 5 yards off the line, so even Brandon Weeden can hit him. I know he's little, but so are Welker and Amendola (ok...bad example), and neither of them are dead yet. A little WR, if used properly, can open everything up. I've seriously just convinced myself that this happens.
7. EAGLES (FROM ARIZONA) SELECT GENO SMITH, QB WVU
This was tough. I don't think the Eagles will select Smith at 4. But at 7? With some extra picks? I mean...maybe they will. You figure you have one more year out of Vick, and he may not even make it through that year. Or he may suck. Dennis Dixon is a backup. Smith is perfect for this offense. And he's CHEAP. Look at SF and Seattle...that's how you do it right now. When you don't have to pay big money to your QB, you can spend it elsewhere and bring in Anquan Boldin and Percy Harvin.
I read that the Eagle interest in Smith is real, but I don't buy it at 4. I can buy it a little bit more at 7. The Eagles may decide they want a QB who hasn't murdered entire piles of dogs, and Smith should at the least give them that.
8. BUFFALO BILLS SELECT CHANCE WARMACK, G, ALABAMA
I don't think they take a QB here, despite their repeated bluster to do so. If they do, I'd go Barkley, who locks down on receivers to the point that they develop Stockholm Syndrome. I can't see Nassib. Or Glennon. But I can see one of those two (or three) in the second round. Or Tyler Bray (haahaaaa, go ahead Buffalo, please draft him) in the third. But not first. Barkley or other position.
And I'll go other position. They are currently pencilling in a guy named David Snow to start at left guard. He was an undrafted FA who got waived and signed a lot. Chance Warmack is supposed to be an unstoppable force of beast. I was thinking Ansah here but...they signed Manny Lawson and have Nigel Bradham who I imagine they'd like to give a shot to and they still smell that Aaron Maybin stank sooooo I'm gonna go with the guard. This team pays both Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller to carry the load and it seems to make sense to put Warmack in front of them. I wouldn't be surprised with a big WR to pair across with Stevie Johnson, but that can probably wait until round 2 in this draft.
9. NY JETS SELECT EDDIE LACY, RB, ALABAMA
I'm mainly doing this because it's so Jets. The Jets would absolutely take a running back in the top 10, and they would think that it will relieve pressure on Sanchize, and they clearly remember employing Shonn Greene as their lead back.
Sanchize will still suck, and this almost certainly won't happen, but I'm going to mock it anyway because it's my world and yinz are just living in it.
10. TENNESSEE TITANS SELECT SHARIFF FLOYD, DT, FLORIDA
Who is Jurrell Casey? No idea. But I know who Shariff Floyd is, and I think he makes a lot of sense here. This team kinda sucks but is mediocre enough at every position that I can't find one that screams out "upgrade me!". Well...maybe DT and OLB. At least I recognize one of the OLB's names, so I'll slot Floyd in here. And he will lead the way to 8-8 City.
11. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS SELECT LANE JOHNSON, OT, OKLAHOMA
I thought Johnson would fall until I saw San Diego's depth chart. I was considering mocking Justin Hunter here, as they could use some firepower, but...holy fuck is their O-Line putrid. It's a joke. They should take OL in their first three picks. AJ Smith was the worst GM in history the way he let this team atrophy....they were good not that long ago. Bad FA signings and awful drafting have done them in. Now they might beat Vanderbilt in college overtime.
12. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS SELECT SHELDON RICHARDSON, DE/DT, MISSOURI
I'm not really sure where to go here. The Chiefs have good book-end OLBs and really need a 3-4 DE (maybe they might stay at the top and select Floyd or Lotulelei, like for reals), but what 3-4 DE is available?
(looks up 3-4 DEs available)
Sheldon Richardson! Sure, another early DE going to the Chiefs. Man they suck.
13. NY JETS SELECT JUSTIN HUNTER, WR, TENNESSEE
Gotta be consistent. If the Jets really try to fix the Sanchize problem by throwing weapons at it, and I believe they will, this makes a lot of sense. When Santonio Holmes went down last year, the receiver corps was completely barren. Stephen Hill isn't quite ready for prime time. Adding a guy like Hunter, who was considered a top-5 talent before a knee injury in 2011, with give Sanchez some more opportunities to badly miss open receivers. Then they'll cut Holmes and Sanchez next offseason and start completely from step one, with no rhyme or reason. GO JETS!
14. CAROLINA PANTHERS SELECT XAVIER RHODES, CB, FLORIDA STATE
Carolina's secondary is awful. I recognize two names, and they are Captain Munnerlyn and Ha-something Nakamuri. That's bad. Real bad.
Rhodes' stock is rising, and I think that the Panthers will go corner before they go safety. Just a hunch. That and I'm not high on Vaccaro.
15. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS SELECT JARVIS JONES, OLB, GEORGIA
Jones was at one point a consensus top-3 player. After a bad combine and everybody remembering that his spine may be irrevocably fucked up, he's dropped like a rock. But, he still lead the NCAA in sacks last year, and he still has better tape than Ansah and Mingo, and it's pretty clear that New Orleans needs a pass-rushing OLB, so I'll slot him here.
16. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT DEANDRE HOPKINS, WR, CLEMSON
I'm surprised Hopkins isn't talked about with the top WRs in this class, while Keenan Allen is. I think Keenan Allen is Koren Robinson's west-coast reincarnate. This pick, for me, comes down to Hopkins v. Patterson. Patterson may have a bit more flash, but I think St. L would go with Hopkins here. They need WRs, they haven't really had one for years AND they just let Amendola walk. The defense is sufficient enough that they can address OLB and safety later...I just don't see them passing on giving Bradford just one weapon to work with here to add Vaccaro.
17. PITTSBURGH STEELERS SELECT CORDARRELLE PATTERSON, WR, TENNESSEE
Well....this one was tough. If Hunter were still available I'd have him here (in the real draft, I'm going to be completely wrong, and he'll probably still actually be available). It's a toss-up for me between Eifert and Cordarrelle Patterson, and I think the Steelers will go with the receiver. Why? Because while Eifert is able to line up and play some WR, as he showed in the NCAA championship catching balls over Dee Milliner's head...I just can't see overreacting to Heath Miller's injury with a guy who may force his way into Heath Miller's job. I'd rather go with the WR here. That doesn't mean I don't think Eifert is a really, really good prospect. He's like Jeff Samardjiza on steroids. 'Cause they're both white dudes.
With Jason Worilds around, I don't see the Steelers going OLB here, no matter what all of the rumors say. Manny Sanders is probably gone, and if Antonio Brown doesn't take the next step, it's going to be hard to justify paying him almost $10 mil per year going forward. I think sticking somebody like Patterson onto the field will make it that much easier for Brown to elevate his game.
18. DALLAS COWBOYS SELECT DJ FLUKER, OT, ALABAMA
Fluker is a motherfucking mountain of a man who mauls the shit out of people. The Cowboys start Doug Free at tackle. Next question.
19. NY GIANTS
Hmm. They really need line help but Fluker and Warmack are gone. I don't think they reach for anyone else.
Their OLBs are awful, but all of the dudes left are 3-4 OLB/DE hybrids. I can't see Ansah here. Or Mingo.
Walterfootball has Bjoern Werner, who I don't really like, but I guess he makes some sense. Hold on a sec.
NY GIANTS SELECT BJOERN WERNER, DE/OLB, FLORIDA STATE
Bjoern Werner was highly rated at the start of the offseason - like top 5 highly rated. I didn't get it. He had double-digit sacks, but 6 or 7 of them came in the first two games against joke teams. I think he had less than 5 the rest of the way.
But, I read that he's smart and instinctive, and that he is German so he has a way to go as far as understanding the game, so he has some potential. I just don't like it. But I like it better than reaching for an OL prospect.
20. CHICAGO BEARS SELECT TYLER EIFERT, TE, NOTRE DAME
I just mentioned that I think Eifert is an excellent prospect, and the Bears need a tight end bad enough that they signed Matt Spaeth to a big free agent deal a few years ago. Big by Spaeth standards, at least. Sooooo that's pretty much the thought process on this one.
21. CINCINNATI BENGALS SELECT GIOVANNI BERNARD, RB, UNC
The Bengals could presumably go just about anywhere - I don't think they are that great, but they don't really have any holes in their roster. However, running back is probably one of the weaker spots. And they are in the AFC North, where yeah smashmouth, real men, running the ball, ahhhhhh and shit. So I hope they reach like Dhalsim for Giovanni Bernard, who is the top RB on a lot of boards, apparently.
22. ST. LOUIS RAMS SELECT EZEKIAL ANSAH, DE/OLB, BYU
Well, they still need an OLB. I didn't know they had another pick. Ansah is a 3-4 type OLB, but I need to get him off of my board and so fuck it, he can go to St. Louis and cum all over the arch for all I care.
I see Alec Ogletree consistently mocked to teams in this range as an ILB, St. Louis included. I don't see it. Watch his tape. He's completely lost on a football field - you may as well call him Kevin McAllister. I'd take Minter from LSU and probably even Te'o before I took a chance on Ogletree.
23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS SELECT KAWANN SHORT, DT, PURDUE
They need a DT. Kawann Short is a highly ranked DT. This is the point where I stop caring.
24. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT QB MATT BARKLEY
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS SELECT DESMOND TRUFANT, CB, WASHINGTON
The Colts need defenders badly. Somehow they did ok on defense last season, but it ain't gonna last with this roster. This Trufant guy is rated highly, and Trufants out of Washington have done well in recent NFL history.
25. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - KEVIN MINTER, ILB, LSU
Forgot that Minnesota has the Harvin pick. I'd consider a WR here but you can get them later. They need to keep building the middle of that defense back-up, just like the old Vikings teams from 2009 and 2010 that were actually like, good. Minter is a beastly enough to go 1.26.
26. GREEN BAY PACKERS SELECT KENNY VACCARO, S, TEXAS
Green Bay had an awesome secondary a few years ago. That was a few years ago. Injuries and AIDS epidemics have hurt, so I imagine with the pickings available at this point, they'd inject some youth and supposed skill into it.
27. HOUSTON TEXANS SELECT ANY WIDE RECEIVER
They really need somebody across from Andre Johnson, who is no spring chicken himself.
HOW ABOUT KEENAN ALLEN, WR, CALIFORNIA
Fine. I hope they pick him, because I don't think he'll be that good.
28. DENVER BRONCOS SELECT BARKEVIOUS MINGO, DE/OLB
Why not? They just lost Dumervil, Mingo seems kind of like Dumervil, so you do the math.
29. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT JOHNATHAN COOPER, G, UNC
I read about this guy and people seem to think he's awesome. I doubt New England needs a guard, but why not go BPA? They really need a WR but I cannot see them reaching here for Robert Woods or whoever else may be available.
30. ATLANTA FALCONS SELECT DJ HAYDEN, CB, HOUSTON
Have you read this dude's story? He almost died when a freak hit in practice caused his motherfucking aorta to rupture. Before that, he was considered as possibly the best CB in this draft. This is tremendous value for a team that needs a corner, assuming that Hayden's heart is all back together now.
31. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS SELECT MARGUS HUNT, DE, SMU
Supposedly they like this dude, and Justin Smith is pushing 50, and they have like no real needs, so it makes sense.
32. BALTIMORE RAVENS SELECT DA'RICK ROGERS, WR, TENNESSEE TECH
Baltimore just let Boldin go, and I don't understand why. I think he made that offense go. Da'rick Rogers was at Tennessee before using weed or something and getting kicked off of their team. He's a very Boldin-type of receiver, so I think that if he doesn't use weed anymore he'll provide good value at the end of the first.