Heat and Meat MOCK NFL DRAFT UP IN THIS PIECE

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WHAT THE F YO

If I did that parlay yesterday, but accidentally picked the opposite on each one, I'd have won. Wow. What a day.

Thanks for Yovani Gallardo, now every pitcher in MLB will be getting DUIs. WHAT A PRECEDENT TO SET GALLARDO.

Taking some time off from betting, as I'm 15-10 now and inching ever closer back to .500. Can't have that shiz yo.

Should have an NFL mock up soon that is perfect and guaranteed to happen exactly as depicted. Stay safe, humans.

Stupid Cavs

The Cavs came out last night with all the energy of an Alabama Gay Pride festival, finding themselves down by 18 after the first quarter in Charlotte. They fought their way back in, but...just not enough. You don't want to get down 18 after one, it's one of Nancy Liebermann's "Golden Rules of Women's Basketball", and it applies to the men's game as well. Liebs was a visionary. Don't challenge her theories...you'll lose.

So, anyway, I'll get on that diamond tonight.


BET 1: GIANTS (M. Cain) @ BREWERS (Y. Gallardo), GIANTS -125

Bet $125 to win $100....sounds like some damn good odds when you've got Matt Cain on the hill against drunk Yovani Gallardo. Gallardo had sucked before his DUI, and hopefully, for karma and society's sake, he doesn't right the ship here. Seriously, pitchers are a very quirky, superstitious bunch...if Gallardo hurls a gem, and they start thinking that DUIs will fix whatever ails them on the mound, these weird motherfuckers will do it. Can't wait to see James McDonald pounding Bud Ices before tearing through the South Side, Alameda Ta'Amu style.


BET 2: PARLAY! (It's been awhile)

A: GIANTS -125, as above

B. TIGERS (Verlander) -170 over MARINERS (Asian Dude), and

C. WHITE SOX @ BLUE JAYS, OVER 7.5

Ok. A. I've explained. B. is Verlander and while a quick check shows Asian Guy has pitched well, I'll take my chances with the tower of power JV on the hill. And C. is a matchup of 2012 aces who have struggled in a hitters park and I think they'll get the 8 runs. This one pays out at +424. I'm thinking that three-way baseball parlays may be the way to go...parlays don't really give you much of a multiplier until you bring that third team in. We shalt see!

Alright, I'm 15-8. I need some wins tonight. Let's get it.

Saved by the Rains

Well, I lost my bet on the Giants as the Zito bandwagon had a Zapruder event as soon as I got on it. And my Cards over Pirates bet was looking bad too, as the Bucs got out to an early 4-2 lead, only to have the game postponed due to rain. So it's like it never happened. Unfortch, I'd rather lose the bet and have the Buccos win. No more betting against them from Meat, I'll let Heat do that if anybody ever sees him.

So that drops me to 15-7. Still HALL OF FAME TERRIFIC AS SHIT, players. Let's get back to Meat's ol' winning ways.



BET 1: CLEVELAND CAVS @ CHARLOTTE - CLEVELAND +2.5

This is the only type of NBA game I'll bet on at this point - two teams who both are out of the playoffs and have nothing to lose.

Now, while both these teams suck, I think Cleveland sucks a whole lot less AND they have a motivated Kyrie Irving, who was just knocked in the media for playing with a "fuck it"-itiveness at the end of the Heat game and then leaving the court before fan appreciation time. He realized his mistake, manned up, and I think he'll be all in for this one. As he's the only thing approaching an NBA player that will be out on this court, that's enough for me. He should be ok beating Bismack Boyombo or whatever his name is, and his team is getting 2.5 points to work with here.




....andddd I don't see any MLB games that I want to bet on. There are a few I want to take (Oakland over Houston for one), but baseball is far too random for me to take -180 or -210 action on a single game.

So let's just ride them Cavs.

In Which Kevin Correia Becomes an ACE

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever

Kevin Correia is awful at baseball. He's not good. He gives up a ton of hard contact. He was facing the Angels. I know they have sucked, but COME ON. Correia gave up like 2 runs in a lot of innings. The Twins put up about 8 runs. That's insane, yo. I'll have to keep betting on MLB games because, I guess, MLB is more about volume and sample size than any other sport.

Thought about taking the A's to rock Erik Bedard, but I remembered Bedard weaving some occasional early-season gems last year. He gave up 7 in the first inning. Oh well.

Anyway, my other two bets hit, so I went 2-1 (well, more like 1.5-1 but whatevs) to bring me to 15-6. Still going to be hard to beat that - you can make a living reading this site!

Let's see if I like anything tonight.


BET 1: CARDINALS (J. Westbrook) @ PIRATES (J. Sanchez), CARDS -1.5 @ +105

I'm not going to put any of my actual money on this because I don't want to bet against the Bucs, but...you should with yours. Jake Westbrook and the Cardinals are facing Jonathan Sanchez, a guy who is probably going to get sent to the minors. A guy who any of you Giants fans would probably be shocked to hear is still in the major leagues. That guy. He's taking on the Cards tonight. Good luck.



BET 2: GIANTS (B. Zito) @ BREWERS (W. Peralta), GIANTS @ -108

I'm just riding the Zito train, basically. I may be late but I'll take my chances. Get off the tracks!



I'm waffling on the A's-Astros OVER 7.5, but I'm gonna avoid it because I can't count on the Astros to score even a single run. Those two above will do for tonight.

Bet strong. Bet with Meat.

April 15th Picks

TAX-DAY SPECIALS AT HEAT AND MEAT!

Looks like nobody gives a fuck about the WNBA draft. Fuckers. Let's get back to what we do best...bettin' on NBA games.



BET 1: MIAMI HEAT @ CLEVELAND, MIAMI +1

What? Is there something I'm missing? Why are the Cavs favored over the Heat? Did LeBron die?

I think the Heat would win this game even in spite of his death, so I'll take the point. I have to be missing something here.



BET 2: CHICAGO BULLS @ ORLANDO, BULLS -165

Obviously like the Bulls to win, but don't want to chance them doing so by 4 or more points. I think this moneyline is decent so I'll take them to win straight up.



BET 3: LA ANGELS (J. Blanton) @ MINNESOTA (K. Correia), LAA -1.5 @ +130

Switching gears and going baseball here, I'll take the Angels to pound Kevin Correia. I know the Angels have kind of sucked, but...it's Kevin Correia. He's usually awful. He gives up a lot of hits and runs and homeruns and stuff. It's going to be cold, and it's going to snow, but...Correia will find a way.


Running total: 13-5

WNBA 2013 MOCK DRAFT!!!!

It's that time of year, kids! Nothing gets the atmosphere at Heat and Meat buzzing quite like the WNBA draft, where we transition almost immediately from the excitement of the NCAA Women's Final Four right into the draft, where the WNBA welcomes some young blood (hahahahahahaaha) into America's League.

This year, the number one pick is a soft, one-handed slam dunk pick, and everybody knows it. GRINE-TIME. Not only do the people of Phoenix get to watch the gritty on-basemanship of Martin Prado and the glove of Didi Gregorious this summer, they also get to witness the most dominating female force since Marge Thatcher on a near-nightly basis. Things can not be hotter in Phoenix this summer.

 Let's get to it, with Meat's 2013 round 1 mock draft.


1. PHOENIX MERCURY - Brittney Griner, Beast, Baylor

Our generation not only has the iPad and Bud Light Limes, we've also been lucky enough to witness Grines dominate the NCAA like no women had done before. Mark Cuban has been making waves about drafting her for the Mavs. Jim Irsay wants her as a wide receiver. But Phoenix Mercury fans, I imagine, are going to be the lucky ones who get to witness her go Ostertag all over the rest of the league. BG is big, fast (-ish, I think, maybe), and strong (I don't know). She's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball right now. She can kind of dunk, and as a matter of fact, I've read that of the 33 rim-rattling dunks in NCAA women's history, Grines is responsible for 18 of them. That's insane! That would be like saying of all the inches of dick in the world, I account for 60% of it. I WOULD KILL ENTIRE TOWNS WITH THAT MEGA-DICK! That's the kind of cock Griner will be bringing to the frontcourt of the Mercury. Oh, and she's fundamentally sound.


2. CHICAGO SKY - Skylar Diggins, Guard, Notre Dame

And the Chicago Sky are left with the unenvious position of drafting after Griner is gone. Is this the Ducks drafting Bobby Ryan after the Pens took Sid Crosby? The Mariners getting Dustin Ackley after the Nats took Strasburg? I don't think so. I think this is the Pens taking Malkin after the Caps got Ovechkin. Because Skylar Diggins can straight BALL, and she can do it fundamentally soundly, I'd imagine. She'll become a Margaret Thatcher-type leading Chicago's backcourt.

HOLD THE F ON.

Since I have basically no idea who the hell Skylar Diggins is, I had to look her up on the internet, and of course, she has naked pictures everywhere. That's unique. Solid second overall pick here for the Sky...local college player, more likely to have fucked T'eo than his actual girlfriend, naked on the internet. And apparently Lil' Wayne is trying desperately to hit that. We live in a strange, strange age.

Yourrrrrrr 2013 Chicago Sky!!!!



3. TULSA SHOCK - TRADE ALERT!

NEW YORK LIBERTY TRADE A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S PICKS AND THEIR 5th OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK TO TULSA FOR THEIR 3rd OVERALL WOMEN'S PICK

NEW YORK LIBERTY - Elena Delle-Donne, Forward, Delaware

OUR FIRST DRAFT SHOCK(ER)! Tulsa can't turn down this bounty of women's picks, not with so many holes to fix. New York, on the other hand, is desperately looking to find the next Becs Lobo and Delle-Donne is also a tall, white girl. I actually think Delle-Donne can ball out pretty hard, if I'm not mistaken, and if Chicago weren't hell bent on acquiring a local naked chick, she'd be a clear-cut second pick.

What a historic women's draft. Delle-Donne, in most years, is an easy number 1 pick. She's probably fundamentally sound. She's 6'5", and size rules in the women's game, where everybody is like, 5'7". And, she can woman-dunk. Nothing brings down an WNBA house like a thunderous womandunk. New York sees an opening and gives Tulsa whatever it wants. They need the next Lobo, and now's the time to act.



4. WASHINGTON MYSTICS - Kelsey Bone, Center, Texas A&M

Size matters in the WNBA, and the Mystics hurry to the podium to draft a bad bitch in Kelsey Bone, the 6'4" center from Texas A&M. Bone is kinda raw but, if she can put it all together and she puts in the time and sweat to improve, she has the potential to become very fundamentally sound. It's tough to pass on a Tayler Hill at this point, but Washington needs to get some size in the paint if they want to compete with the other women's teams this season.





5. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Tayler Hill, Guard, Ohio State

Tulsa passes on Delle-Donne for the RG-III-esque bounty of, let's say two future first round women's picks and a second rounder this year, and they go with the big guard out of Ohio State. At 5'10", Hill is going to be quite a mismatch for smaller women's basketball players, and women's basketball is a game of mismatches. Miss-matches, I call them, before shooting myself in the face out of embarrassment. Tulsa probably needs help in their women's backcourt, and Tayler "Miss Match" Hill is just the gal to provide it. And, if I might add, in a fundamentally sound manner.





6. SEATTLE STORM - Kayla Alexander, Center, Syracuse

Another 6'4" center going in the first round, this one to Seattle. Kayla Alexander will give Seattle that big shot-blocker in the paint who can grab boards and then pass them to Sue Bird. "All-Day" Kay is, I'm sure, very fundamentally sound and we all know the "Liebermann Equation"...size + fundamentals = championships. It's basically the e=mc² of the WNBA. Kayla Anderson is about to become the Storm's Einstein. I haven't seen a bitch this bad since Margaret Thatcher.





7. TULSA SHOCK (from NY) - Toni Young, Forward, Oklahoma State

Oh snap! Turns out the Liberty had another first rounder this year that they had received from the Atlanta women's basketball team. Let's assume that this pick goes to Tulsa in the Delle-Donne deal. Tulsa will then turn around and take who I've read is the best natural athlete in this draft, 6'1" forward Toni Young out of Oklahoma State. Athleticism is nice and Toni will likely put out her own personal highlight reel of super-athletic lay-ups, but, if it's going to work out in the end, she needs to become fundamentally sound. She's going to have to work hard at the next level if she's to reach her full potential. She's going to have to learn how the pros play and really work on her all-around game. She basically needs to find her inner Margaret Thatcher.





8. SAN ANTONIO SILVER STARS - Tianna Hawkins, Forward, Maryland

Due to a rash of injuries and tragic pregnancies to their big girls, San Antonio is going to be desperate to add some size down low in this draft. Luckily for them, this epically strong draft is going to allow a fundamentally sound, Margaret Thatcher-type leader like Tianna Hawkins to fall to them in the 8th spot. Hawkins rebounds in her sleep, and rebounding is a key part of fundamentals, which are half of the Liebermann Equation. The Silver Stars hope that adding a solid fundamental force like Hawkins will allow them to continue to compete for the championship, year after year.





9. INDIANA FEVER - Kelly Faris, Guard, UCONN

Adding a woman's player from UCONN is the equivalent of adding a football player from Alabama or a bowler from Maryland-Eastern Shore. You know what you're getting from these excellent programs, and it can't hurt to add players who were brought up in an atmosphere that demands consistent success. Faris is no different. A tenacious, gritty defender, she's also fundamentally sound offensively and she can shoot that little ball they use quite well. It would behoove any team to add a player like this, and with no clear-cut choice here with Hawkins off the board, the Fever decide to do just that. Players like this are the types that really help a perennial contender like the Fever stay on top, as Nancy Liebermann probably likes to say.




10. LOS ANGELES SPARKS - Sugar Rodgers, Guard, Georgetown

A surprise pick here, as the Sparks select the lady Iverson, Sugar Rodgers. Sugar is just a natural scorer in the Iverson/Eddie House type of mold, and the Sparks here choose to go with flash. Sugs is a bit of a gunner, and she's going to have to become more fundamentally sound at the highest level of women's basketball, but her determination to get the ball in the hoop is quite impressive. It's very Margaret Thatcher of her.




11. CONNECTICUT SUN - Lindsey Moore, Guard, Nebraska

What? The team in Connecticut is called the "Sun"? Are they in a division with the Detroit Well-To-Dos and the Mississippi Tolerance? Well, regardless of their moniker, they are missing their top two guards this year due to season-ending injuries. They need somebody to step in right away, and at this point, the most likely to do that is Lindsey Moore from Nebraska. She's not the quickest or fastest or anything, but she's very fundamentally sound, she can lead the offense, and she can shoot a bit, too. Like Nancy Liebermann probably said at some point, "when in doubt, go for the fundamentals. Fundamentals are to the women's game what hepatitis is to the Hispanic population". Nancy Liebermann is kinda racist. But she's basically the Margaret Thatcher of women's basketball, and when she speaks, you listen.






12. MINNESOTA LYNX - Markel Walker, Forward, UCLA

The reigning WNBA champion Minnseota Lynx don't need much, so in this instance I think they are going to add a hybrid guard/forward in Markel Walker. Walker is a straight-up fundamental BEAST down low. A real Karl Malone type, and that's quite apt because the postal service hires a shit-ton of women these days. And Walker can really carry the letters, rain, sleet or perfect indoor women's basketball weather.

Walker is going to bang some bodies down in the paint and if these other girls don't like it, they can go play tennis. She's also quite capable of handling the little rock and running the offense from the wing. The kind of cog that can really help a championship team like Minnesota. Walker is going to make Minnesotans forget about whoever their last women's star was real quick.





Well, that's it, since there are only 12 teams in women's basketball. The Atlanta Dream don't have a first rounder, so fuck them. They can pick up some fresh young ladies in rounds 2 and 3. As always, please stay tuned to your source for hot WNBA action, Heat and Meat's Dripping Wet Sports Picks.

A's win 8-1

Not exactly how I expected the two teams to combine for 9, but, with the A's hammering the Angels 8-1, they did. And that's all that matters. That moves me to 13-5.

WNBA mock draft is coming up shortly.

OVER

Easy over in the NCAA championship game, moving Meat to 12-5 A.F. (after football). Looked kinda dicey late in the first half, but then the runs started and that's all I needed.

Now, let's bet on baseball.

...looking....

...ok, found one I kind of like.

BET: OAKLAND A'S (AJ Griffin) @ LAA ANGLES (J. Vargas), OVER 8.0

The A's have been on fire, scoring runs in droves this season. The Angels haven't been, but they are certainly capable of it. Griffin is a highly regarded rookie/2nd year guy for Oakland, but he's just that...a young guy with an incomplete track record. Vargas is some dude I've never heard of. Think they can combine for 9 runs? I do.

YUUUUUU! And NCAA Basketball, Of Course

Me strike you out long time!

Damn sons, I expected Yu Darvish to mow down the Astros last week and break me out of my slump, but I didn't expect him to come within an out of perfect-gaming those sad sacks. Yu was cruising, but a high pitch count (he was clearly tired) forced him to go after hitters at the end. One of them, Marwin McWhothefuck, got enough to send one back up the middle and that was all she wrote. Wonder if you can bet on perfect games? Jk, you still would have lost.

So alright, I'm 11-5 now, I think. Maybe 11-6. Either way, slump is busted. 

Which means I'm always going to be right again, and with that in mind, let's get on that NCAA basketball championship game tonight!

Line on the game is Louisville -3.5. I don't know what I like there. I think Michigan wins, but I'm not the biggest college basketball person so I'm not sure enough to bet. If I had to, I'm taking Michigan plus the points. Moneyline is UM +155, which I think is another pretty good value bet if you think the Wolverines are taking this game.

So, instead of betting the line, I'm going to do what I typically do for the Penguins here and just take the over. These teams for the most part have scored 80-ish points a game. I look at this like I look at the UM-Kansas game, which turned into a shootout in the end. If any team gets up at all early, I think this game will go the same way. Louisville got behind against Wichita St on Saturday and just turned it on late. Trey Burke and Michigan are the same way. So an O/U of 138.0? A 69-69 game? I think we'll have that tonight.

MEAT'S PICK: OVER 138.0

Slump Continues

AINT THAT SOME POOP

Alls I remember is Memphis leading by 5 early, and then completely sucking goat-taint the rest of the way. They lost by almost 20. F THEM.

New slumpbuster: whatever Heat says. Jk lololol Heat never posts anything.

Maybe I'll solicit Daddy Long Penis for his best bet. Nah, let's just cherry pick an NBA game.

...checking...

DAMN IT. NBA bets suck tonight. I'm not going to let Washington beat me again.

Ok, I got it.



SLUMPBUSTER BET: Texas Rangers and Yu Darvish -1.5 to beat Lucas Harrell and the Astros

The Rangers, behind Darvish (who's awesome), should put it on the damn Astros, who suck. LET'S BREAK THIS SLUMP.




Record: 10-5. Guh.