HOLY F-ING S IT'S BEEN FOREVER

It's been fucking AGES since I left yinz with smoking wet bets to make your money fornicate to. I apologize. I will now rectify the shit out of that.

Putting down 7 bets this week, playas. For accounting purposes, assume I bet $100 per bet:


1. BAYLOR @ IOWA STATE OVER 71.5

Dudes, Baylor hits every single queefing over to the point that I have no idea why books keep offering them. They wizened up last week with Oregon (over was above 80 for the Ducks last week), but Baylor will probably beat ISU 70-3, just barely pushing it over 71.5. And just barely paying me sweet, sexy off-shore betting cash.


2. NEW ORLEANS @ DALLAS OVER 53.5

This should be easy. Dallas is still scoring and still giving up a shit ton of points. Hell, even in coming back and beating St. Louis last week they gave up 31. New Orleans has been struggling a little bit but even a struggling Saints team should put 40 on Dallas. I was expecting this over to be in the 60s.

This one should be pushing 40 by halftime. I'm on board.


3. PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO OVER 50.5

I am loving some overs this week. Philadelphia keeps getting overs in the 50s and they keep going over them, easily. San Francisco isn't 2012 SF. They should give up points.

I'm going to keep pounding Philly and Baylor overs until they give me reason not to do so. MAKE IT DRIZZLE


4. JACKSONVILLE @ SAN DIEGO OVER 44.5

STOP BETTING OVERS, MEAT! I can't. They are so burning wet that I can't avoid them.

This one I don't get. I understand SD is all about ball control and whatnot, but Jacksonville won't allow that. Their defense is so bad that the Chargers will have to fall on purpose to hold the ball for 35 minutes. Jacksonville has given up what, 35-40+ in each of the first three weeks? Why won't that continue? In-between picks, Blake Bortles should put up 17 himself. This one seems criminally low.


5. TENNESSEE +7.5 @ INDIANAPOLIS

This seems like an easy Indy bet, but I don't really believe that. Tennessee has talent and only seems to put it together when they aren't supposed to (see week 1 - I had a feeling the Titans would win that one), and I think they might be Mr. Hyde this week. Plus, Indianapolis outside the dropped-interception whisperer Andrew Luck himself is just a shitty team. Their roster is garbage outside of like 5 players, to the point that they gave Gosder motherfucking Cherilus like $40 mil. I don't think the Colts deserve to get 7.5 against anybody not named Jacksonville.



6. NYG +3.5 @ WASHINGTON

Just because Kirk Cousins is in doesn't make Washington suddenly not suck. They are like Indianapolis without the boy wonder QB. The Giants may suck too but they suck less and I like them to win this one straight-up.

If DeAngelo Hall were playing...I'd put even more money on the Giants. Let's go Eli, try not to grimace too much you droopy motherfucker.


7. NYG @ WASHINGTON OVER 46.0 

Might as well close it out with an over. Both these teams suck more on defense than offense, and they have been putting up big point totals in recent weeks. No reason for that to stop here, as the best defensive player on the field will probably be somebody boring like Brian Orakpo. These teams have some godawful rosters on that side of the ball especially.


So that's that! Oh, survivor pick:

PITTSBURGH

I am not taking San Diego because I don't take the consensus (Heat is all over that one though) and this week like, 70% of people are taking SD. Upsets happen and when they do in a game like this, 70% of people are out with them. If taking the consensus got you to the top, everybody would finish the season undefeated. But they don't. The key to survivor, IMO, is avoiding those few games that decimate pools.

I don't love Pittsburgh because they don't deserve your confidence and Tampa strangely matches up well against them - tall WRs to get pass interferences, good running game, and a shitty QB who makes shitty reads because the Steelers don't get interceptions and therefore shitty QBs like Ryan Fitzpatrick have like 9 lives against them to retardedly gunsling) - but they are playing at home and should win this one.

Also considered: New Orleans @ Dallas, Houston (guh) v. Buffalo

WOOO FOOTBALL WEEK 12

Image is second result for search of "football yeah". No idea who it belongs to. Good for them.

I'm down $25 and have lost motivation to write for some reason. Weirdly lethargic. I need adderall.

Anyway, here's my bets this week:



6.5 POINT TEASER: Detroit -2.5 over Tampa and Denver/NE OVER 47.5, -120

I think Tampa could win this game, but I do think Detroit will. So I'm going to take Tampa straight up to cover 9 points, but at 2.5? Basically hedging my bets with a large possibility to 'middle' this one. I think Denver/NE over 47.5 is basically automatic. They gon' be flingin' it.




STEELERS +1.0 @ CLEVELAND, -110

I think the Steelers win. Cleveland's defense is awesome but, one great CB isn't going to shut down the Steelers offense like it does the Cowboys or Lions of the world, as even though Antonio Brown is clearly their best WR, no one receiving threat makes this sad offense go. That and Cleveland's offensive showing last week suggests to me that with minimal pick-sixes, Pittsburgh should win this one and keep alive their hopes at getting blown out in the wild card round.



BEARS +1.0 @ ST. LOUIS -105

Same as above - I think the slight road dog wins. St. Louis has looked capable like, two or three times this season. They are coming off of a bye, sure, but I still think they are better at losing than they are at winning. Chicago has been surprisingly competent with Josh McCown and he's facing Kellen Clemens soooo just bet on it. Don't actually watch it.



6-POINT TEASER: DALLAS +8.5 @ NYG, OVER 40.5, -110

Not sure why I teased this, as I think Dallas will win straight up. NYG has put together the least-impressive four game winning streak I've ever seen...seriously, struggle to win v. Minnesota, 15-7 win v. Eagles and Matt Barkley/crippled Vick, struggle haaaard to win at home v. Oakland, and then a win over Scott Tolzein and co. The Cowboys are like the only healthy, decent quarterbacked team they've faced in a month. I guess I figured that over 40.5 is a lock as it will rain fumbles and pick-sixes, but get on Dallas in this one.




SAN DIEGO +5.5 @ KANSAS CITY, -110

I think the Chargers "surprise" the world and beat KC straight up. San Diego is basically the second decent team they'll face to this point in the season that actually has a healthy QB. I don't think KC is that good so I'll take the points.




TAMPA BAY +9.0 @ DETROIT, -110

I also think the Bucs have a good shot here. And Detroit always lets me down. And this week they are the consensus survivor favorite, meaning they WILL fuck you if you pick them. Bucs should at least keep this one within a TD. Detroit hasn't actually beaten anybody by 7+ all season.


Let's get it.

Stuck in a rut

Damn it, I suck now. 

INDY -3 OVER TENNESSEE (@ TENN) -115

Push.



6-POINT TEASER: NE +8.5 @ CAR and OVER 40.0 -110

Up $9! You're looking at one guy who couldn't give a fuck less about "the call". 



6-POINT TEASER: GREEN BAY +11 @ NYG and CINCINNATI +0.5 over CLEVE -110

Really appreciate that late pick-6, Tolzein. Good job, my man. 



6.5 POINT TEASER: AZ -0.5 @ JAX and DENVER -2.0 v. KC -120

Easy. +$7.



6.5 POINT TEASER: INDY +3.5 and DETROIT +5 @ PITT -120

The Steelers pulling away late on the strength of Jim Schartz'z insane fake field goal call does me in, but I can't complain. Thanks for the gift, Jim! -$3.

And finally, a loss on the big teaser.

AZ -0.5 @ JAX
INDY +3.5 @ TENN
DET +5.0 @ PITT
GB +11.5 @ NYG
GB/NYG OVER 35.5

That leaves me at $-13 for the week and -$25 over the last two. Gotta pick it up this week. 

Week 11's DRIPPING MOIST ACTION

Ok, I'm down $12 after last week. Let's get it back, $10 per bet, starting with:


INDY -3 OVER TENNESSEE (@ TENN) -115

$100 wins $187, if you bet real actual monies.

Indianapolis has one terrible game and a line that should almost be double digits is 3. This seems a pretty healthy game to at least push (it started at -3.5). Ryan Fitzpatrick is leading the charge for the Titans. Read that again. Ryan Fitzpatrick is at the helm.

Bet against Ryan Fitzpatrick.



6-POINT TEASER: NE +8.5 @ CAR and OVER 40.0 -110

I think New England wins this one straight-up, and I think a relatively healthy number of points will be scored (MNF teams seem to be flingin' it this year), so I'll certainly take NE and eight and a half and over a middling total of 40. Seems like one of those 27-24 types. My only fear is Bad Cam showing up and sabotaging everything.



6-POINT TEASER: GREEN BAY +11 @ NYG and CINCINNATI +0.5 over CLEVE -110

I'm liking the 6-point teasers as they have similar vigs to the straight up bets, and this one allows you to cross 10 off for GB and get the Bengals as a pick 'em in a game they should win. You can make a living at 60% hit rate on 6-point teasers (betting $100 and hitting 60% would leave you with $115). I think GB will easily keep it within 10 of the Eli Manning Pick-Six Express what with Tolzein actually practicing this week like he's going to play football, so I'm quite comfortable throwing them in with Cincy here. This is a huge game for the Bengals, at home, and they need to win it. As a Steeler fan, I hope they fuck it up, but I'm being pragmatic here.



6.5 POINT TEASER: AZ -0.5 @ JAX and DENVER -2.0 v. KC -120

Went with 6.5 instead of 6 so I could get AZ as a straight win. They should murder the Jags, that win they had last week was fluky as absolute fuck and while I have nightmares anytime I bet on Carson Palmer, I think this is a game they win like 95% of the time. It's my survivor pick this week, as Jaxmas has come and gone and I can now start backing Jags opponents. I wanted to tease this with Houston straight-up over Oakland, but the site wouldn't let me include that one in the teaser. As such, I'll throw Denver in because I think they'll win this going away. In hindsight, I should have thrown Denver into a 6 point teaser since the half-point is meaningless, but whatever.



6.5 POINT TEASER: INDY +3.5 and DETROIT +5 @ PITT -120

Do you see either of these teams losing by more than a field goal, if you see them losing period? I don't, give me my monayyyy!



This week's large teaser (5 team, 6.5 pt teaser, +350 odds) with all of my week 11 favorites and an over to tie it together:

AZ -0.5 @ JAX
INDY +3.5 @ TENN
DET +5.0 @ PITT
GB +11.5 @ NYG
GB/NYG OVER 35.5

Uh-oh. I have a lot riding on road teams.

Oh well, these saucy picks are guaranteed to pay big!

SON OF A...

Way to come back with a bang, Meat.

Was away all week, no bets on week 10. Week 9's results:

7-POINT TEASER: ATLANTA +14.5 and ATL/CAR OVER 37.0

Loss, ATL is a joke. - $10


ATLANTA +7.5 over CAROLINA

See above. -$20 cummulative 


7 POINT TEASER: NEW ENGLAND (+0) and PIT/NE OVER 37.0

Woo! A win! I'll round the payout up to $8. -$12


7 POINT TEASER: MIAMI +10 and BUFFALO +10.5 and CLEVELAND +10 and HOUSTON +10

Thank goodness for this one. Paid out at two to one, so I get $20 back. +$8



7 POINT TEASER: SEATTLE -10 and GREEN BAY -3.5

Both easy losses. -$2



U. of FLORIDA +2.5 over GEORGIA

Georgia by...fucking 3. -$12 for the week. Will be better today!


SEASON TOTAL: -$12

MEAT'S BACK IN THE HOUSE

Why the hell not? I still bet, I still have fingers, it's 5:30 so I don't want to work anymore today, why not get the old band back together? Jk, Heat ain't coming back.

Due to my extremely sexy betting success last year, I have more money in my account than when I started. So you know what? LET'S GET FUCKING WILD. Last year I bet $5 a bet because losing large bets sucks ass and small bets are still fun for me. But starting now...$10 A BET. Yeah, you fucking heard me. Ten dollars. I know that's an entire Hamilton, but when your picks are as dripping wet as mine are...you can afford it.

Oh, and now I just pretty much do 2-team teasers all day because they are fun. If you don't like it, you can suck Marty Mornhinweg's dick. I had to look up how to spell his stupid name.

Sure thing, Marty

Let's get down to biznasssss

7-POINT TEASER: ATLANTA +14.5 and ATL/CAR OVER 37.0

You gotta look for those football numbers - any spreads that are multiples of 3 or 7. Because that's what the fuck happens in most games, as most normal non-cocksucking teams score 3s or 7s. Or 0s in Jacksonville.

Now, Atlanta sucks shit-covered dildos, as most teams that acquire Steven Jackson tend to do (that guy is like the Winston Churchill of sucky football). Julio Jones's metal foot broke again, Roddy White's crippled ass finally sat down on the bench for a week, but...giving 7.5 to Carolina? I'd be pretty confident with Atlanta at +7.5, let alone +14.5. Carolina is too ehh offensively and it just seems that Atlanta always beats Carolina. Over 37 because I hate unders.


ATLANTA +7.5 over CAROLINA

Talked myself into it.


7 POINT TEASER: NEW ENGLAND (+0) and PIT/NE OVER 37.0

The Steelers officially blow, and for seven points, you can get New England to win straight up. There's almost no way these two teams don't put up 37, what with NE moving on the Steelers bend-but-then-break defense and Ben Roethlisberger coming alive in the second half for a storm of meaningless points, like a rising phoenix on colored-people time.

I give this 0 stars because I don't want to rate my stupid bets in stars anymore.


7 POINT TEASER: MIAMI +10 and BUFFALO +10.5 and CLEVELAND +10 and HOUSTON +10

Fuck it, home dog teaser. I can get them all for double-digits. I'm much more confident on the first two but, I mean, Houston still has the talent to keep it close with teams when Schaub isn't throwing pick-twelves and the Ravens kinda blow ass. Miami and Buffalo I think have decent shots to win straight up, as Alex Smith is the most mediocre NFL player in the entire league and Cincinnati plays more boring close games than 49-9 blowouts of a week ago. Don't put actual money on this one, I'm just getting stupid now.


One more football teaser:

7 POINT TEASER: SEATTLE -10 and GREEN BAY -3.5

These teams play Tampa Bay and Chicago at home, respectively. I think they both murder their opponent. I will bear witness to each murder.




U. of FLORIDA +2.5 over GEORGIA

This is Aaron Murray's chance to become the first Georgia QB since Shotgun McWhocares to beat UF three times in a row. This makes it somewhat of a big game for Georgia, I'd say. Georgia loses every single big game, always. You can make a lot of money by betting against Georgia. DO IT

I guess that's it for now, the rest of the college games are either irrelevant or have cartoon spreads. I think FSU pulverizes UM into snortable dust, but the 22.5 point spread gives me pause that they give up halfway through and give up a cheap cover.

Avoid the clap!

Heat and Meat MOCK NFL DRAFT UP IN THIS PIECE

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WHAT THE F YO

If I did that parlay yesterday, but accidentally picked the opposite on each one, I'd have won. Wow. What a day.

Thanks for Yovani Gallardo, now every pitcher in MLB will be getting DUIs. WHAT A PRECEDENT TO SET GALLARDO.

Taking some time off from betting, as I'm 15-10 now and inching ever closer back to .500. Can't have that shiz yo.

Should have an NFL mock up soon that is perfect and guaranteed to happen exactly as depicted. Stay safe, humans.

Stupid Cavs

The Cavs came out last night with all the energy of an Alabama Gay Pride festival, finding themselves down by 18 after the first quarter in Charlotte. They fought their way back in, but...just not enough. You don't want to get down 18 after one, it's one of Nancy Liebermann's "Golden Rules of Women's Basketball", and it applies to the men's game as well. Liebs was a visionary. Don't challenge her theories...you'll lose.

So, anyway, I'll get on that diamond tonight.


BET 1: GIANTS (M. Cain) @ BREWERS (Y. Gallardo), GIANTS -125

Bet $125 to win $100....sounds like some damn good odds when you've got Matt Cain on the hill against drunk Yovani Gallardo. Gallardo had sucked before his DUI, and hopefully, for karma and society's sake, he doesn't right the ship here. Seriously, pitchers are a very quirky, superstitious bunch...if Gallardo hurls a gem, and they start thinking that DUIs will fix whatever ails them on the mound, these weird motherfuckers will do it. Can't wait to see James McDonald pounding Bud Ices before tearing through the South Side, Alameda Ta'Amu style.


BET 2: PARLAY! (It's been awhile)

A: GIANTS -125, as above

B. TIGERS (Verlander) -170 over MARINERS (Asian Dude), and

C. WHITE SOX @ BLUE JAYS, OVER 7.5

Ok. A. I've explained. B. is Verlander and while a quick check shows Asian Guy has pitched well, I'll take my chances with the tower of power JV on the hill. And C. is a matchup of 2012 aces who have struggled in a hitters park and I think they'll get the 8 runs. This one pays out at +424. I'm thinking that three-way baseball parlays may be the way to go...parlays don't really give you much of a multiplier until you bring that third team in. We shalt see!

Alright, I'm 15-8. I need some wins tonight. Let's get it.

Saved by the Rains

Well, I lost my bet on the Giants as the Zito bandwagon had a Zapruder event as soon as I got on it. And my Cards over Pirates bet was looking bad too, as the Bucs got out to an early 4-2 lead, only to have the game postponed due to rain. So it's like it never happened. Unfortch, I'd rather lose the bet and have the Buccos win. No more betting against them from Meat, I'll let Heat do that if anybody ever sees him.

So that drops me to 15-7. Still HALL OF FAME TERRIFIC AS SHIT, players. Let's get back to Meat's ol' winning ways.



BET 1: CLEVELAND CAVS @ CHARLOTTE - CLEVELAND +2.5

This is the only type of NBA game I'll bet on at this point - two teams who both are out of the playoffs and have nothing to lose.

Now, while both these teams suck, I think Cleveland sucks a whole lot less AND they have a motivated Kyrie Irving, who was just knocked in the media for playing with a "fuck it"-itiveness at the end of the Heat game and then leaving the court before fan appreciation time. He realized his mistake, manned up, and I think he'll be all in for this one. As he's the only thing approaching an NBA player that will be out on this court, that's enough for me. He should be ok beating Bismack Boyombo or whatever his name is, and his team is getting 2.5 points to work with here.




....andddd I don't see any MLB games that I want to bet on. There are a few I want to take (Oakland over Houston for one), but baseball is far too random for me to take -180 or -210 action on a single game.

So let's just ride them Cavs.